Approaching Reconciliation with Someone Who Has Pride Issues
Reconciliation with someone struggling with pride issues requires an understanding of pride's nature and the biblical call to peace. The book of Job encourages reconciliation and peace, stating that "thereby good will come to you" [1]. However, pride, as described by Augustine, can lead individuals to seek reconciliation through their own efforts or "by the pride of learning," rather than through humility and beating their breasts [3].
Theological traditions identify pride as a significant impediment to spiritual and relational well-being. Thomas Aquinas defines pride as the "desire of one's own excellence," which he links to the irascible faculty of the soul, indicating its connection to ambition and difficulty [2]. Augustine further identifies pride as "the great offence" from which one needs to be cleansed [7]. He also notes that pride can subtly affect even "deeds rightly done," making its cure a deep and often tearful struggle for pious souls [6].
Approaching reconciliation with a proud individual may involve recognizing that their pride can manifest as a resistance to acknowledging fault or seeking common ground. Maimonides, in the Mishneh Torah, suggests that to overcome pride, one should intentionally seek disgrace, such as sitting in lowly places or wearing tattered clothes, until the arrogance is uprooted [9]. While this is a personal discipline, it highlights the profound internal shift required to move away from pride.
From a Christian perspective, true reconciliation is ultimately rooted in Christ's work. John Calvin emphasizes that Christ invites the "weary and heavy laden" and "sinners to repentance," implying that humility and an acknowledgment of need are prerequisites for receiving His beneficence [4]. Augustine also stresses that a mediator was necessary to reconcile humanity to God due to sin, and this mediator, Christ, was both human and divine [5]. This suggests that human efforts alone are insufficient for ultimate reconciliation, especially when pride creates a "wide gulf" [5].
Therefore, when seeking reconciliation with a proud person, one might consider that their pride may prevent them from readily accepting overtures. The process may require patience and a recognition that genuine change often involves a deep internal transformation, which, from a theological standpoint, is often facilitated by divine grace [8]. The goal is not merely a superficial agreement but a true peace, as suggested in Job [1].
Sources
- Job “Job 22:21 (BSB) — Reconcile now and be at peace with Him; thereby good will come to you.”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of Pride, Art. 3: Article: Whether the subject of pride is the irascible faculty? I answer that, The subject of any virtue or vice is to be ascertained from its proper object: for the object of a habit or act cannot be other than the object of the power, which is the subject of both. Now the proper object of pride is something difficult, for pride is the desire of one's own excellence, as stated above (Articles [1],2). Wherefore pride must needs pertain in some way to the irascible faculty. Now the irascible may be t”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. XLII.--IN WHAT MANNER MANY SOUGHT: THE MEDIATOR. 67. Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee ? Was I to solicit the angels ? By what prayer ? By what sacraments ? Many striving to return unto Thee, and not able of themselves, have,' as I am told, tried this, and have fallen into a longing for curious visions? and were held worthy to be deceived. For they, being exalted, sought Thee by the pride of learning, thrusting themselves forward rather than beating their breasts, and so by correspondence of heart drew unto themselves the princes of”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 67: that mourn; to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness,” ( Isa. 61:1-3 ). In fulfillment of that mission, the only persons whom he invites to share in his beneficence are the “weary and heavy laden.” In another passage he says, “ I am not come to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance,” ( Mt. 11:28 ; 9:13). 8. Therefore if we would make way for the call of Christ, we must put far from us all arrogance and confidenc”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 3: Augustine — On the Holy Trinity — CHAP. 108.--A MEDIATOR WAS NECESSARY TO RECONCILE US TO GOD; AND UNLESS THIS MEDIATOR HAD BEEN GOD, HE COULD NOT HAVE BEEN OUR REDEEMER,: For we could not be redeemed, even through the one Mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus, if He were not also God. Now when Adam was created, he, being a righteous man, had no need of a mediator. But when sin had placed a wide gulf between God and the human race, it was expedient that a Mediator, who alone of the human race was born, lived, and died without sin, should reconcile us to God, and procu”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 35 [XXXI.] -- WHY GOD DOES NOT IMMEDIATELY CURE PRIDE ITSELF. THE SECRET AND INSIDIOUS GROWTH OF PRIDE. PREVENTING AND SUBSEQUENT GRACE. (part 1): But I would indeed so treat these topics, as to confess myself ignorant of God's deeper counsel, why He does not at once heal the very principle of pride, which lies in wait for man's heart even in deeds rightly done; and for the cure of which pious souls, with tears and strong crying, beseech Him that He would stretch forth His right hand and help their endeavours to overcome it, and somehow tread and ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 8: Augustine — Exposition on Psalms — TO THE END, A PSALM OF DAVID HIMSELF. (part 4): not the proud man, and him who would be his own master, but, Thy servant. "If 56 they get not the dominion over me, then shall I be undefiled." If neither my own secret sins, nor those of others, get the dominion over me, then shall I be undefiled. For there is no third source of sin, but one's own secret sin, by which the devil fell, and another's sin, by which man is seduced, so as by consenting to make it his own. "And I shall be cleansed from the great offence." What but pride? for there is none”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 33.--THROUGH GRACE WE HAVE BOTH THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD, AND THE DELIGHT WHICH IT AFFORDS. (part 1): But when we pray Him to give us His help to do and accomplish righteousness, what else do we pray for than that He would open what was hidden, and impart sweetness to that which gave no pleasure? For even this very duty of praying to Him we have learned by His grace, whereas before it was hidden; and by His grace have come to love it, whereas before it gave us no pleasure,--so that "he who glorieth must glory not in himself, but in the Lord." To be l”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Human Dispositions 2:2: How are they to be healed? We tell the wrathful man to train himself to feel no reaction even if he is beaten or cursed. He should follow this course of behavior for a long time, until the anger is uprooted from his heart. The man who is full of pride should cause himself to experience much disgrace. He should sit in the lowliest of places, dress in tattered rags which shame the wearer, and the like, until the arrogance is uprooted from his heart and he returns to the middle path, which is the proper path. When he returns to ”