Avoiding Unsolicited Advice in Listening and Empathy
The practice of listening and offering empathy, particularly within a Christian framework, often emphasizes careful communication and the avoidance of unsolicited advice. This approach is rooted in biblical principles that prioritize building up others and exercising wisdom in speech [2, 8].
The Apostle Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians, instructs believers to "Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen" [2]. This verse highlights a core principle: communication should be constructive and beneficial to the hearer. Unsolicited advice, especially when not sought or when delivered insensitively, can fail to meet this standard, potentially causing frustration rather than edification. Similarly, Paul's admonition to Timothy to "guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called 'knowledge'" underscores the importance of discerning and purposeful speech, steering clear of discourse that does not genuinely serve a beneficial purpose [1, 4].
The book of Proverbs frequently addresses the nature of wise speech and the importance of timing and temperament in communication. Proverbs 15:1 suggests that "Moderating emotions and suiting them to the context helps others listen to what we say without reacting" [6]. This implies that the manner in which words are delivered, including advice, significantly impacts their reception. A gentle answer, for instance, can turn away wrath, while harsh words stir up anger (Proverbs 15:1). Matthew Henry, a Nonconformist commentator, notes that "Patience, to bear a present heat without being put into a heat by it, and to wait for a fit opportunity to offer our reasons and to give persons time to consider them" is a means to gain one's point, even with those who are initially averse [10]. This perspective suggests that waiting for the right moment, rather than immediately interjecting with advice, can be more effective.
Furthermore, the concept of "hearing instruction" is presented in Proverbs as a path to wisdom [3]. However, this instruction is often framed as something to be sought or received, rather than imposed. John Gill, a Baptist commentator, advises against taking "heed unto all words that are spoken," particularly those that are foolish or unguarded, suggesting that sometimes it is best to let certain things pass without strict attention or examination [7]. This can be extended to the idea of not always feeling compelled to respond with advice, especially when it has not been requested.
The New Testament also provides examples of careful communication. In Acts, Tertullus, speaking before Governor Felix, states, "But so that I may not impose on you for longer, I implore you to hear us briefly with your customary graciousness" [5]. John Gill interprets this as an acknowledgment of the need to avoid being "tedious" and to respect the listener's patience and time [9]. This demonstrates an awareness of the listener's capacity and willingness to receive information, a principle that applies to offering advice as well.
Sources
- 1 Timothy “1 Timothy 6:20 (NASB) — O Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to you, avoiding worldly and empty chatter and the opposing arguments of what is falsely called "knowledge"--”
- Ephesians “Ephesians 4:29 (BSB) — Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building up the one in need and bringing grace to those who listen.”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 8:33 (YLT) — Hear instruction, and be wise, and slight not.”
- I Timothy “I Timothy 6:20 (BSB) — O Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to you. Avoid irreverent, empty chatter and the opposing arguments of so-called “knowledge,””
- Acts “Acts 24:4 (LEB) — But so that I may not impose on you for longer, I implore you to hear us briefly with your customary graciousness.”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 15:1: 15:1 Moderating emotions and suiting them to the context helps others listen to what we say without reacting.”
- Ecclesiastes (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Ecclesiastes 7:21: Also take no heed unto all words that are spoken,.... Seeing so it is, that imperfection attends the best of men, no man is wise at all times, foolish words and unguarded expressions will sometimes drop from him, which it is better to take no notice of; they should not be strictly attended to, and closely examined, since they will not bear it. A man should not listen to everything that is said of himself or others; he should not curiously inquire what men say of him; and what he himself hears he should take no notice of; it is often best to let it pass, and not ”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 8:32: We have here the application of Wisdom's discourse; the design and tendency of it is to bring us all into an entire subjection to the laws of religion, to make us wise and good, not to fill our heads with speculations, or our tongues with disputes, but to rectify what is amiss in our hearts and lives. In order to this, here is, I. An exhortation to hear and obey the voice of Wisdom, to attend and comply with the good instructions that the word of God gives us, and in them to discern the voice of Christ, as the sheep know the shepherd's voice. 1. We must be dilig”
- Acts (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Acts 24:4: Notwithstanding, that I be not further tedious unto thee,.... Suggesting, that he could say a great deal more under this head, but, for brevity sake, should omit it; and because he would not tire his patience, and hinder business going forward: I pray thee, that thou wouldst hear us of thy clemency a few words; he praises him for his humanity and good nature, and for his patience in hearing causes, and promises him great conciseness in the account he should give him; and entreats that, according to his wonted goodness, he would condescend to hear what he had to lay be”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 25:15: Two things are here recommended to us, in dealing with others, as likely means to gain our point: - 1. Patience, to bear a present heat without being put into a heat by it, and to wait for a fit opportunity to offer our reasons and to give persons time to consider them. By this means even a prince may be persuaded to do a thing which he seemed very averse to, much more a common person. That which is justice and reason now will be so another time, and therefore we need not urge them with violence now, but wait for a more convenient season. 2. Mildness, to speak ”