Balancing Personal Freedom and Parental Expectations in Dating
The concept of personal freedom, particularly in the context of dating and marriage, often intersects with parental expectations, creating a dynamic tension that has been addressed in various theological traditions. While individuals are understood to possess a "free determination of will for living rightly and acting rightly," this freedom is also seen as operating within a framework of divine grace and communal responsibility [7].
In early Christian thought, the role of parents in their children's marital decisions was significant. Augustine, for instance, recounts his mother Monica's concerns about his romantic entanglements, fearing that a wife might hinder his spiritual aspirations [2]. This suggests a parental desire to guide children toward choices perceived as beneficial for their overall well-being and spiritual path. Similarly, Tertullian notes the transition of young women into maturity, implying a shift in responsibilities and expectations, including those related to marriage [6].
The Apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians, offers advice concerning marriage that touches upon the balance between individual choice and familial considerations. He addresses situations where a father might feel he is not acting honorably towards his daughter if she remains unmarried past a certain age, especially in cultures where this could be seen as a disgrace [1]. Paul's counsel suggests that while celibacy is an ideal for some, marriage is not a sin, and parents should consider their children's reputation and well-being in these matters [1, 10]. The passage in 1 Corinthians 7:36 is often interpreted as Paul advising on the disposal of children in marriage, acknowledging the societal pressures and parental duties of the time [1].
The idea of "freedom" itself has been a subject of theological discussion. Charles Hodge distinguishes between "free agency" and "ability," noting that confusion arises when these terms are used interchangeably [3]. He emphasizes that a proper understanding of free agency is crucial for reconciling theological doctrines like original sin and efficacious grace [5]. This distinction is relevant to dating, as it implies that while individuals have the capacity to choose, their choices are also influenced by various factors, including their spiritual state and the grace of God [7].
Within marriage, Paul also highlights mutual obligations, stating that spouses have authority over each other's bodies and should not withhold sexual intimacy, except by agreement for a time of prayer [8]. This implies that once a marital choice is made, new responsibilities and a different kind of freedom—one exercised within the bounds of the marital covenant—come into play. Augustine, while acknowledging that the primary purpose of marriage is procreation, also recognizes that certain embraces between spouses, even if not for procreation, are permissible to avoid greater sins like fornication [4].
The broader principle of Christian freedom, as articulated in Romans, suggests that while believers are free, they should limit the expression of their freedom out of love for others, particularly to avoid causing guilt or harming the faith of fellow believers [9]. This principle can be extended to dating, where personal choices might need to be tempered by consideration for parental feelings, community standards, and the spiritual well-being of all involved. The goal is to build up the Christian community rather than to assert individual rights without regard for others [9].
Sources
- 1 Corinthians (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on 1 Corinthians 7:36: In this passage the apostle is commonly supposed to give advice about the disposal of children in marriage, upon the principle of his former determination. In this view the general meaning is plain. It was in that age, and those parts of the world, and especially among the Jews, reckoned a disgrace for a woman to remain unmarried past a certain number of years: it gave a suspicion of somewhat that was not for her reputation. "Now," says the apostle, "if any man thinks he behaves unhandsomely towards his daughter, and that it is not for her credit to remain ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. III.---CONCERNING HIS FATHER, A FREEMAN OF THAGASTE, THE ASSISTER OF HIS SON'S STUDIES, AND ON THE ADMONITIONS OF HIS MOTHER ON THE PRESERVATION OF CHASTITY. (part 3): it,--in counselling me to chastity, so bear in mind what she had been told about me by her husband as to restrain in the limits of conjugal affection (if it could not be cut away to the quick) what she knew to be destructive in the present and dangerous in the future. But she took no heed of this, for she was afraid lest a wife should prove a hindrance and a clog to my hopes.”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 2, section 55: the very opposite of liberty, and yet they are said to be identical. One man in asserting the freedom of the will, means to assert free agency, while he denies ability; another means by it full ability. It is certainly important that the same words should not be used to express antagonistic ideas. Confusion of thought and language, however, is not the principal evil which arises from making liberty and ability identical. It necessarily brings us into conflict with the truth, and with the moral judgments of men. There are three truths of w”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 16 [XIV.]--A CERTAIN DEGREE OF INTEMPERANCE IS TO BE TOLERATED IN THE CASE OF MARRIED PERSONS; THE USE OF MATRIMONY FOR THE MERE PLEASURE OF LUST IS NOT WITHOUT SIN, BUT BECAUSE OF THE NUPTIAL R: But in the married, as these things are desirable and praiseworthy, so the others are to be tolerated, that no lapse occur into damnable sins; that is, into fornications and adulteries. To escape this evil, even such embraces of husband and wife as have not procreation for their object, but serve an overbearing concupiscence, are permitted, so far as to b”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 2, section 53: CHAPTER IX. FREE AGENCY. § 3. Certainty Consistent with Liberty . In all discussions concerning sin and grace, the question concerning the nature and necessary conditions of free agency is of necessity involved. This is one of the points in which theology and psychology come into immediate contact. There is a theory of free agency with which the doctrines of original sin and of efficacious grace are utterly irreconcilable, and there is another theory with which those doctrines are perfectly consistent. In all ages of the Church, therefore”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 3: Tertullian — CHAP. XXII.--ANSWER TO THE FOREGOING ARGUMENTS. (part 3): Under our dispensation, let that age which is ignorant of its sex[21] retain the privilege of simplicity. For both Eve and Adam, when it befell them to be "wise,"[22] forthwith veiled what they had learnt to know? [23] At all events, with regard to those in whom girlhood has changed (into maturity), their age ought to remember its duties as to nature, so also, to discipline; for they are being transferred to the rank of "women" both in their persons and in their functions. No one is a "virgin" from the time when ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 7.--GRACE IS NECESSARY ALONG WITH FREE: WILL TO LEAD A GOOD LIFE. Therefore, my dearly beloved, as we have now proved by our former testimonies from Holy Scripture that there is in man a free determination of will for living rightly and acting rightly; so now let us see what are the divine testimonies concerning the grace of God, without which we are not able to do any good thing. And first of all, I will say something about the very profession which you make in your brotherhood. Now your society, in which you are leading lives of continence, coul”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:3: 7:3-4 Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, married Christians must always be considerate of the sexual needs of their spouses. Sexual intimacy is a mutual right for both spouses in a marriage and must not be withheld. Marriage includes yielding the authority over one’s body to one’s spouse, though such authority is clearly not to be abused.”
- Romans (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Romans 14:22: 14:22 keep it between yourself and God: Paul did not contest the freedom of the strong believers, but he instructed them to limit the expression of their freedom out of love for fellow believers so that the whole Christian community could be built up. • Blessed are those who don’t feel guilty: Guilt could come from harming the faith of the weak believers. Christian freedom is only worthwhile when it can be lived out without bringing such guilt.”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:1: 7:1–16:4 Paul now addresses the questions the Corinthians had asked him by letter, beginning with the question of marriage (cp. 7:25; 8:1; 12:1; 16:1). 7:1-40 Paul consistently states his strong conviction that true Christians, as slaves of Christ, are wholly claimed by Christ the Lord for his own service. Because of this, he recommends that Christians remain single, but concedes that getting married is no sin. 7:1 it is good to abstain from sexual relations: Both Paul and Jesus encouraged the ideal of a celibate life for God’s sake (cp. Matt 19:10-12). Paul”