Biblical Guidance on Dating and Romantic Relationships
The Bible does not contain a systematic treatment of dating as a modern social practice, since the courtship customs of ancient Israel and the Greco-Roman world differed substantially from contemporary Western patterns. Marriage in biblical times typically involved family negotiation, betrothal periods, and community oversight rather than private romantic exploration. Nevertheless, Scripture establishes principles about love, commitment, and relational conduct that Christian traditions have applied to the formation of romantic partnerships.
Marriage as Covenant
The biblical framework for romantic relationships centers on marriage understood as covenant. Proverbs 2:17 describes the unfaithful wife as one who "forsaketh the guide of her youth, and forgetteth the covenant of her God," identifying the husband as the "lawful husband" and marriage itself as "a covenant made in God's name" [4]. This covenantal language places romantic union within a theological structure: marriage is not merely a private contract but an agreement witnessed and sanctioned by God. The implication for pre-marital relationships is that romantic pursuit should be oriented toward this covenantal end, not toward temporary emotional satisfaction or physical intimacy detached from permanent commitment.
The Priority of Divine Affection
Before addressing human romantic love, Scripture establishes a hierarchy of affections. Torrey's Topical Textbook notes that affections "should be supremely set upon God" (Deuteronomy 6:5; Mark 12:30) and "upon the commandments of God" (Psalm 19:8-10; 119:20, 97, 103, 167) [2]. Christ himself claims "the first place" in human affections, warning that discipleship requires prioritizing him above family bonds (Matthew 10:37; Luke 14:26) [2]. This ordering does not negate romantic love but subordinates it. A Christian approach to dating must therefore assess whether a relationship enhances or competes with one's devotion to God. The danger Jeremiah 2:33 illustrates—"How well you prepare your way to seek love!"—is the idolatrous pursuit of romance, where one's energy and ingenuity are devoted to securing affection rather than seeking God [1].
Love Defined by Self-Giving
The New Testament's most extended treatment of love appears in 1 Corinthians 13, where Paul describes love as patient, kind, not envious or boastful, not arrogant or rude. This passage "emphasizes the willingness to give up one's own desires for the good of others" [6]. While Paul addresses Christian love broadly, the principle applies directly to romantic relationships: love is measured not by emotional intensity or personal fulfillment but by sacrificial action. Ephesians 5:28 extends this to marriage, instructing husbands to "love their own wives as their own bodies," drawing an analogy to Christ's love for the church [7]. The implication for dating is that romantic interest should manifest as concern for the other's spiritual and temporal welfare, not as possessive desire or self-centered gratification.
Community and Accountability
The biblical model of relationship formation assumes community involvement. Hebrews 13:1 instructs believers to "keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters," a command that "applies to everyone in the Christian community" [3]. This communal love provides the context for romantic relationships: they do not develop in isolation but within a network of mutual care and accountability. The absence of explicit dating instructions in Scripture may reflect the assumption that romantic relationships would naturally be subject to the oversight of family and faith community, a safeguard against deception, exploitation, and imprudence.
Warmth and Companionship
Ecclesiastes 4:11 observes, "Again, if two lie together, then they have heat: but how can one be warm alone?" The image, though taken from the intimacy of marriage, "applies universally to the warm sympathy derived from social ties" and extends to "Christian ties" [5]. This text acknowledges the legitimate human need for companionship and emotional warmth. Dating, in this light, is not inherently suspect; it is a means of discerning whether two people can provide mutual support and encouragement. The danger lies in seeking this warmth outside the boundaries God has established for sexual intimacy and covenantal commitment.
Guarding Against Impurity
The biblical warnings about sexual immorality apply directly to dating relationships. The consistent scriptural expectation is that sexual union belongs exclusively within marriage. This boundary shapes how Christians should conduct romantic relationships: physical affection must be disciplined by the recognition that the body is not one's own but belongs to God (1 Corinthians 6:19-20). The modern practice of dating, which often includes extended periods of private interaction and physical intimacy short of intercourse, requires intentional restraint and clear boundaries to honor this standard.
Affection Set on Heavenly Things
Colossians 3:1-2 instructs believers to set their affections "on things above, not on things on the earth" [2]. This does not abolish earthly relationships but reframes them. A Christian dating relationship should cultivate shared devotion to Christ and mutual encouragement in holiness. The test of a godly romantic relationship is whether it draws both parties closer to God or distracts them from spiritual priorities. Affections "enkindled by communion with Christ" (Luke 24:32) [2] provide the proper foundation for human love; romantic relationships that substitute for or compete with this communion are disordered.
Wisdom and Discernment
Proverbs repeatedly emphasizes the need for wisdom in all of life's decisions, and the choice of a spouse is among the most consequential. The book's warnings about the adulteress and the foolish woman serve as cautions about the dangers of romantic entanglement with someone who does not fear God. The positive corollary is that dating should involve careful assessment of character, spiritual maturity, and compatibility in values and life direction. Romantic attraction alone is insufficient; wisdom requires evaluating whether a potential spouse will be a partner in pursuing godliness.
The biblical principles—covenant fidelity, supremacy of divine affection, self-giving love, community accountability, sexual purity, and wisdom—provide a framework for Christians navigating romantic relationships, even as the specific social forms of courtship vary across cultures and eras.
Sources
- Jeremiah “How well you prepare your way to seek love! Therefore you have taught even the wicked women your ways. -- Jeremiah 2:33”
- Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Affections, The — Should be supremely set upon God -- De 6:3; Mr 12:30. Should be set Upon the commandments of God. -- Ps 19:8-10; 119:20,97,103,167. Upon the house and worship of God. -- 1Ch 29:3; Ps 26:8; 27:4; 84:1,2. Upon the people of God. -- Ps 16:3; Ro 12:10; 2Co 7:13-15; 1Th 2:8. Upon heavenly things. -- Col 3:1,2. Should be zealously engaged for God -- Ps 69:9; 119:139; Ga 4:18. Christ claims the first place in -- Mt 10:37; Lu 14:26. Enkindled by communion with Christ -- Lu 24:32. Blessedness of making God the object of -- Ps 91:14. Should not grow cold -- P”
- Hebrews (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Hebrews 13:1: 13:1-6 This series of practical guidelines is similar to other ethics lists in the New Testament. It describes how to love others in the community of faith, a strong ethical foundation for all of life. 13:1 Keep on loving each other as brothers and sisters: Literally Continue in brotherly love. This instruction applies to everyone in the Christian community (see study notes on 2:11; 3:1).”
- Proverbs (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Proverbs 2:17: guide . . . youth--lawful husband (Jer 3:4). covenant . . . God--of marriage made in God's name.”
- Ecclesiastes (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ecclesiastes 4:11: (See on Kg1 1:1). The image is taken from man and wife, but applies universally to the warm sympathy derived from social ties. So Christian ties (Luk 24:32; Act 28:15).”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 13:4: 13:4-7 This description of Christian love emphasizes the willingness to give up one’s own desires for the good of others (see also 8:1–10:33; Rom 5:6-8; 15:3; 2 Cor 8:9; Phil 2:4-8).”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 5:28: Translate, "So ought husbands also (thus the oldest manuscripts read) to love their own (compare Note, see on Eph 5:22) wives as their own bodies." He that loveth his wife loveth himself--So there is the same love and the same union of body between Christ and the Church (Eph 5:30, Eph 5:32).”