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Biblical Perspective on Non-Conventional Courtship Relationships

Biblical perspectives on courtship and marriage are primarily rooted in the divine institution of marriage as a covenant relationship [3]. This foundational understanding shapes how various forms of relationships, particularly those considered "non-conventional," are viewed within Christian and Jewish traditions. The Bible establishes marriage as a union divinely instituted for the happiness of humanity, for procreation, for raising godly offspring, and for preventing fornication [3].

One historical "non-conventional" relationship found in the Bible is concubinage. In ancient Israel, a concubine was a female conjugally united to a man, but in a status inferior to that of a wife [1]. While distinct from a principal wife, concubines were still afforded certain protections under the law, such as in Exodus 21:7 and Deuteronomy 21:10-14, and there were limits to their integration into the household, as seen in Genesis 21:14 and 25:6. However, they lacked authority within the family [1]. The existence of concubines in the Old Testament reflects a societal practice that, while regulated, differed from the monogamous ideal often emphasized in later biblical teachings.

The concept of affinity, or relationship by marriage, is another area where biblical law addresses relationships that might be considered non-conventional from a modern perspective, particularly concerning prohibitions against certain unions. Charles Hodge, in his Systematic Theology, explains that the Levitical law prohibits marriage between individuals who are "nearer in blood" to one's spouse than one would be to one's own kindred [5]. This principle means that a man cannot marry his wife's sister, for example, because she is considered a near relation through affinity [4, 5]. Hodge argues that affinity creates a real, though not necessarily as strong, bond of relationship as consanguinity (blood relation) [5]. He emphasizes that the reason for these prohibitions, "nearness of kin," is not specific to the Jews but applies universally across all nations and times [13]. This understanding of affinity extends even after the death of a spouse; for instance, a wife's sister retains a sisterly affection for her widowed brother-in-law, and this relationship is not dissolved by the wife's death [4].

The New Testament further develops the understanding of marriage, often using it as a metaphor for the relationship between Christ and the Church [10, 14]. Augustine, for example, discusses how the Church is the bride of Christ, and this spiritual union is a profound expression of connection [8, 14]. He also addresses the sanctity of the marital bond, even in cases where a couple mutually agrees to abstain from carnal relations, emphasizing that the bond itself is not broken but rather strengthened by an "especial endearment and concord" [11]. Augustine identifies three blessings of matrimony: offspring, fidelity, and the sacramental bond [15]. Fidelity, in particular, is highlighted as a natural good, even among unbelievers, as both husbands and wives naturally dislike adultery [15].

Regarding divorce, Jesus permits it "for the cause of fornication" (Matthew 19:9) [9]. Augustine interprets "fornication" in this context, raising the question of its latitude of meaning [9]. He also notes that if one judges another for fornication, one must first be clear of the same sin oneself [9]. This teaching underscores the seriousness of marital fidelity and the limited grounds for dissolving the marital covenant.

Beyond specific prohibitions and allowances, the broader biblical perspective encourages believers to "set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth" (Colossians 3:2 KJV) [2]. While this verse does not directly address courtship, it speaks to the spiritual orientation that should guide all relationships, including those leading to marriage. Marriage is considered honorable for all and should be undertaken "only in the Lord" [3].

The Jewish tradition, as exemplified by Maimonides in the Mishneh Torah, also provides detailed regulations concerning marital relationships. For instance, Maimonides discusses the legal implications of a man entering into privacy with his divorcee in the presence of witnesses, where such an act can lead to the suspicion of sexual relations, requiring specific conditions for the witnesses' observation [7]. Aquinas, drawing on Rabbi Moses (Maimonides), explains that divine law forbids marriage between those who live together to prevent concupiscence, which marriage itself is intended to repress [6]. This principle is applied to adopted children, who are considered to dwell in the house of their adopted father "like one that is begotten naturally," thus creating an impediment to marriage within that household [6].

The historical development of Christian thought on marriage has consistently affirmed its sacred nature. Charles Hodge notes that the sanctity of marriage is evident in its use as a symbol for the relationship between God and His people in both the Old and New Testaments [10]. He also points out that many revered figures, including prophets, apostles, confessors, and martyrs, were married, demonstrating that marriage is not a degradation but a holy state [10]. The institution of marriage, as described in Genesis 2:24, involves a man leaving his father and mother and being "joined" to his wife, becoming "one flesh" [3, 12]. This original example, instituted by God, serves as the basis for the apostle's admonition for husbands to love their wives [12].

Sources

  1. Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Concubine — In the Bible denotes a female conjugally united to a man, but in a relation inferior to that of a wife. Among the early Jews, from various causes, the difference between a wife and a concubine was less marked than it would be amongst us. The concubine was a wife of secondary rank. There are various laws recorded providing for their protection (Ex. 21:7; Deut. 21:10-14), and setting limits to the relation they sustained to the household to which they belonged (Gen. 21:14; 25:6). They had no authority in the family, nor could they share in the household gov”
  2. King James Version “[KJV] Colossians 3:2 — Set your affection on things above, not on things on the earth.”
  3. Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Marriage — Divinely instituted -- Ge 2:24. A covenant relationship -- Mal 2:4. Designed for The happiness of man. -- Ge 2:18. Increasing the human population. -- Ge 1:28; 9:1. Raising up godly seed. -- Mal 2:15. Preventing fornication. -- 1Co 7:2. The expectation of the promised seed of the woman an incentive to, in the early age -- Ge 3:15; 4:1. Lawful in all -- 1Co 7:2,28; 1Ti 5:14. Honourable for all -- Heb 13:4. Should be only in the Lord -- 1Co 7:39. Expressed by Joining together. -- Mt 19:6. Making affinity. -- 1Ki 3:1. Taking to wife. -- Ex 2:1. Giving daughte”
  4. CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: the case supposed, is a matter of feeling, affection, and intimacy. This relationship is not dissolved by the death of the person through whom it arose. A wife’s sister continues to cherish to her widowed brother-in-law the same sisterly affection after, as before her sister’s death. She can live with him, guide his house, and take charge of his children, without the slightest violation of her self-respect, and without fear of incurring the disrespect of others. Besides, if relationship by affinity is dissolved by death, then a son may, o”
  5. CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: marry any of his wife’s kindred nearer in blood than he may of his own, nor the woman of her husband’s kindred nearer in blood than of her own,” is a simple and comprehensive statement of the law as laid down in Leviticus. In saying that affinity is as real a bond of relationship as consanguinity, it is not meant that it is as strong. A daughter is a nearer relation than a step-daughter, or daughter-in-law; a mother than a step-mother; a sister than a sister-in-law. This, as we have seen, is recognized in the law itself. 420 The Bible ass”
  6. theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Supplement (Supplementum), Of Legal Relationship, Which Is by Adoption, Art. 2: Article: Whether a tie that is an impediment to marriage is contracted through adoption? I answer that, The Divine law especially forbids marriage between those persons who have to live together lest, as Rabbi Moses observes (Doc. Perp. iii, 49), if it were lawful for them to have carnal intercourse, there should be more room for concupiscence to the repression of which marriage is directed. And since the adopted child dwells in the house of his adopted father like one that is begotten na”
  7. Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Divorce 10:18: [There is an extension to the above principle.] If a man entered into privacy with his divorcee in the presence of witnesses, the two witnesses observed [their conduct] simultaneously, 53 It is not sufficient for one to have observed them in private at one time, and the other at a different time, for the two witnesses who observe the consecration of a woman must be together at that time. and [the couple] had been married previously, we suspect that they engaged in sexual relations. The witnesses to their entrance into privacy are thus”
  8. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 4: Augustine — Anti-Manichaean, Anti-Donatist — BOOK XXII. (part 35): how faithfully she maintained her relation to her Husband, till it tried to violate her, and was compelled to yield to the divine testimony borne by the faith of the martyrs, and in the person of later monarchs was brought humbly to honor with gifts the Bride whom their predecessors had not been able to humble by subduing her to themselves. What, in the type, happened in the reign of one and the same king, is fulfilled in the earlier monarchs of this era and their successors. 39. Again, when it is said that the Chu”
  9. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — CHAP. XVI.--43. Here there arises a second question, when the Lord allows a wife to be put away for the cause of fornication, in what latitude of meaning fornication is to be understood in this passag (part 5): his wife because of fornication, if he himself also is convicted of committing fornication. For that passage occurs to one: "For wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things." [4] And for this reason, whosoever wishes to put away his wife because of fornication, ought first to be cle”
  10. CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: prophets, apostles, confessors, and martyrs, have been married men. If marriage was not a degradation to them, surely it cannot be to monks and priests. The strongest proof of the sanctity of the marriage relation in the sight of God, is to be found in the fact that both in the Old and in the New Testaments, it is made the symbol of the relation between God and his people. “Thy Maker is thy husband,” are the words of God, and contain a world of truth, of grace, and of love. The departure of the people from God, is illustrated by a referen”
  11. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 12 [XI.]--MARRIAGE DOES NOT CANCEL A MUTUAL VOW OF CONTINENCE; THERE WAS TRUE WEDLOCK BETWEEN MARY AND JOSEPH; IN WHAT WAY JOSEPH WAS THE FATHER OF CHRIST. (part 1): But God forbid that the nuptial bond should be regarded as broken between those who have by mutual consent agreed to observe a perpetual abstinence from the use of carnal concupiscence. Nay, it will be only a firmer one, whereby they have exchanged pledges together, which will have to be kept by an especial endearment and concord,--not by the voluptuous links of bodies, but by the vol”
  12. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 22.--OF THE CONJUGAL UNION AS IT WAS ORIGINALLY INSTITUTED AND BLESSED BY GOD. (part 2): account of the origin of the woman, who was created from the side of the man. And it is by this original example, which God Himself instituted. that the apostle admonishes all husbands to love their own wives in particular.(2)”
  13. CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: that question, that it always has been regarded as obligatory by the whole Christian Church. 2. The reason assigned for the prohibition contained in that law, has no special reference to the Jews. It is not found is their peculiar circumstances, nor in the design of God in selecting 411 them to be depositaries of his truth to prepare the world for the coming of the Messiah. The reason assigned “is nearness of kin.” This reason has as much force at one time as at another, for all nations as for any one nation. There was nothing peculiar in”
  14. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 4: Augustine — Anti-Manichaean, Anti-Donatist — BOOK XXII. (part 36): to express this connection between God and the creature. It is from this connection that Christ and the Church are called bridegroom and bride, or husband and wife. The other relationship, in which Christ and all the saints are brethren by divine grace and not by earthly consanguinity, or by the father and not by the mother, is more easily expressed in words, and more easily understood. For the same grace makes all the saints to be also brethren of one another; while in their society no one is the bridegroom of all”
  15. Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 19 [XVII.]--BLESSING OF MATRIMONY.: In matrimony, however, let these nuptial blessings be the objects of our love--offspring, fidelity, the sacramental bond.[9] Offspring, not that it be born only, but born again; for it is born to punishment unless it be born again to life. Fidelity, not such as even unbelievers observe one towards the other, in their ardent love of the flesh. For what husband, however impious himself, likes an adulterous wife? Or what wife, however impious she be, likes an adulterous husband? This is indeed a natural good in ma”
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