Boundaries in Friendships with High-Energy and Gossipy People
The Bible offers guidance on establishing boundaries in friendships, particularly with individuals prone to gossip or high-energy, contentious behavior. Proverbs frequently warns against the destructive nature of gossip and strife. For instance, "A perverse man spreads dissension, and a gossip divides close friends" [2]. This highlights how tale-bearing can fuel conflict and destroy relationships [10]. The Tyndale House commentary notes that both gossip and quarrelsome individuals act as "fuel to the fire of trouble and discord" [3].
Rabbinic tradition, as seen in Maimonides' Mishneh Torah, considers gossip a severe sin that can lead to significant harm, even death, for many [8]. Rashi further cautions against associating with those who divulge secrets or use smooth words to entice and seduce [5]. Maimonides also lists gossip and quick-temperedness among five qualities that are difficult to abandon and which a person should be careful not to become attached to [6].
The wisdom literature also advises against close association with angry or quick-tempered individuals. John Gill, in his commentary on Proverbs, states, "Make no friendship with an angry man," suggesting that while civility is due to all, one should be cautious about whom they admit into intimate friendship [7]. Matthew Henry echoes this sentiment, advising against intimacy with a "passionate man" because true friendship requires accommodation, and it would be foolish to accommodate oneself to such a person [4]. He further notes that "unbridled passions embitter and spoil the comfort of all relations" [9]. The book of Job also questions the utility of "windy words," asking, "Is there a limit to windy words? What provokes you that you answer?" [1].
These biblical and traditional perspectives suggest that maintaining peace and healthy relationships often requires careful selection of close companions and a conscious effort to avoid those whose words and actions sow discord.
Sources
- Job “Job 16:3 (LEB) — Is there a limit to windy words? What provokes you that you answer?”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 16:28 (BSB) — A perverse man spreads dissension, and a gossip divides close friends.”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 26:20: 26:20-21 A gossip and a quarrelsome person are both like fuel to the fire of trouble and discord.”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 22:24: Here is, 1. A good caution against being intimate with a passionate man. It is the law of friendship that we accommodate ourselves to our friends and be ready to serve them, and therefore we ought to be wise and wary in the choice of a friend, that we come not under the sacred tie to any one whom it would be our folly to accommodate ourselves to. Thought we must be civil to all, yet we must be careful whom we lay in our bosoms and contract a familiarity with. And, among others, a man who is easily provoked, touchy, and apt to resent affronts, who, when he is in”
- Sefaria (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki) on Proverbs 20:19: with one who divulges secrets, one who gossips, or with one who entices with his lips who speaks smoothly to seduce you and entice you.”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Repentance 4:5: Among the [24] are five [qualities] which have the tendency to lead the transgressor to continue to commit them and which are very difficult to abandon. Therefore, a person should be very careful lest he become attached to them, for they are very bad attributes. They are: a) gossip; b) slander; c) quick-temperedness; d) a person preoccupied with sinister thoughts; e) a person who becomes friendly with a wicked person, for he learns from his deeds and they are imprinted on his heart. This was implied by Solomon [Proverbs 13:20]: "A co”
- Proverbs (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Proverbs 22:24: Make no friendship with an angry man,.... Do not associate with him; contract not a familiarity with him; make him not a companion; take him not into an intimacy, or use him as a particular friend and acquaintance: a man should be courteous, and carry it civilly to all men; but he should take care whom he admits as his bosom friend; he should be cautious in his choice of a familiar friend, and not receive any; and, among the rest, avoid an angry and passionate man, one who is much given to passion himself, and stirs it up in others; for there can be no lasting peac”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Human Dispositions 7:1: A person who collects gossip about a colleague violates a prohibition as [Leviticus 19:16] states: "Do not go around gossiping among your people." Even though this transgression is not punished by lashes, it is a severe sin and can cause the death of many Jews. Therefore, [the warning]: "Do not stand still over your neighbor's blood" is placed next to it in the Torah [ ibid. ]. See what happened [because of] Doeg, the Edomite.”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:19: Note, 1. Unbridled passions embitter and spoil the comfort of all relations. A peevish angry wife makes her husband's life uneasy, to whom she should be a comfort and a meet help. Those cannot dwell in peace and happiness that cannot dwell in peace and love. Even those that are one flesh, if they be not withal one spirit, have no joy of their union. 2. It is better to have no company than bad company. The wife of thy covenant is thy companion, and yet, if she be peevish and provoking, it is better to dwell in a solitary wilderness, exposed to wind and weather, ”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 26:20: Contention is as a fire; it heats the spirit, burns up all that is good, and puts families and societies into a flame. Now here we are told how that fire is commonly kindled and kept burning, that we may avoid the occasions of strife and so prevent the mischievous consequences of it. If then we would keep the peace, 1. We must not give ear to talebearers, for they feed the fire of contention with fuel; nay, they spread it with combustible matter; the tales they carry are fireballs. Those who by insinuating base characters, revealing secrets, and misrepresenting”