Breaking Free from Anger and Unforgiveness in Abusive Family
The Christian tradition addresses anger and unforgiveness, particularly in the context of difficult family relationships, by emphasizing repentance, forgiveness, and the transformation of the inner self. The Testament of Dan, an early Christian apocryphal work, states that "lying and anger are evil, because they teach man all wickedness" [1]. This text highlights the destructive nature of anger and its capacity to lead to further wrongdoing.
Scriptural guidance, such as Ephesians 4:26, instructs believers to "Be ye angry, and sin not" [2]. This verse suggests that while anger itself may arise, it must be managed in a way that does not lead to sinful actions. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown Commentary interprets this as allowing for a righteous indignation, similar to Christ's anger, when directed at dishonor to God or wrong done to humanity, provided it remains within proper bounds [2]. However, uncontrolled passion is considered sinful [2]. Similarly, Matthew Henry's commentary on Colossians 3:8 urges believers to "put off all these, anger wrath, malice," viewing these as contrary to the gospel's design and as "spiritual wickedness" that can be more deeply rooted than other sins [3]. The gospel, in this view, aims to transform both the "higher" and "lower powers of the soul," establishing the dominion of reason and conscience over passion [3].
Forgiveness is presented as a crucial aspect of breaking free from these negative emotions. Clement of Alexandria, in Who Is the Rich Man That Shall Be Saved?, emphasizes that God grants forgiveness for past sins, but for future sins, "each one gives to himself" through repentance [7]. True repentance involves ceasing from sins and not looking back [7]. Augustine, in a letter to Auxilius, urges the cancellation of an ecclesiastical sentence to restore "mutual love" and banish "strife," emphasizing the importance of peace and reconciliation [9]. He also notes that God's drawing of individuals to Christ can occur through "fear of the wrath of God," leading them to seek deliverance from error [10].
In situations where family relationships are abusive or destructive, early Christian thought also considered the possibility of separation. The Testament of Gad discusses how true repentance can destroy unbelief and drive away darkness [8]. The Testament of Reuben also touches on the consequences of sinful actions within a family context [5]. Furthermore, the idea of separation from those who refuse to change is discussed in the Twelve Patriarchs, which posits that it is "just, even entirely" for those who wish to be saved to separate from those who "will not, but who wishes to destroy him along with himself" [4]. This separation is not initiated by those who "understand aright," as they desire to remain with and help their relatives, but it is deemed necessary when remaining would lead to one's own destruction [6]. This perspective suggests that while reconciliation and forgiveness are paramount, self-preservation and spiritual well-being can necessitate difficult choices in extreme circumstances.
Sources
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 8: Twelve Patriarchs, Excerpts, Epistles, Apocrypha, Decretals — VII.--THE TESTAMENT OF DAN CONCERNING ANGER AND LYING. (part 1): 1. The record of the words of Dan, which he spake to his sons in his last days. In the hundred and twenty-fifth year of his life he called together his family, and said: Hearken to my words, ye sons of Dan; give heed to the words of the mouth of your father. I have proved in my heart, and in my whole life, that truth with just dealing is good and well-pleasing to God, and that lying and anger are evil, because they teach man all wickedness. I confess this da”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 4:26: Be ye angry, and sin not--So the Septuagint, Psa 4:4. Should circumstances arise to call for anger on your part, let it be as Christ's "anger" (Mar 3:5), without sin. Our natural feelings are not wrong when directed to their legitimate object, and when not exceeding due bounds. As in the future literal, so in the present spiritual, resurrection, no essential constituent is annihilated, but all that is a perversion of the original design is removed. Thus indignation at dishonor done to God, and wrong to man, is justifiable anger. Passion is sinful (d”
- Colossians (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Colossians 3:8: As we are to mortify inordinate appetites, so we are to mortify inordinate passions (Col 3:8): But now you also put off all these, anger wrath, malice; for these are contrary to the design of the gospel, as well as grosser impurities; and, though they are more spiritual wickedness, have not less malignity in them. The gospel religion introduces a change of the higher as well as the lower powers of the soul, and supports the dominion of right reason and conscience over appetite and passion. Anger and wrath are bad, but malice is worse, because it is more rooted ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 8: Twelve Patriarchs, Excerpts, Epistles, Apocrypha, Decretals — CHAP. XX.--WHAT IF IT BE ALREADY KINDLED?: "And let not any one say, How is this just, that parents should be separated from their children, and children from their parents? It is just, even entirely. For if they remained with them, and, after profiting them nothing, were also destroyed along with them, how is it not just that he who wishes to be saved should be separated from him who will not, but who wishes to destroy him along with himself. Moreover, it is not those who judge better that wish to be separated, but they ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 8: Twelve Patriarchs, Excerpts, Epistles, Apocrypha, Decretals — I.--THE TESTAMENT OF REUBEN CONCERNING THOUGHTS (part 3): done the abominable deed. For while Jacob our father was absent with Isaac his father, when we were in Gader, near to Ephratha in Bethlehem, Bilhah was drunk, and lay asleep uncovered in her chamber; and when I went in and beheld her nakedness, I wrought that impiety, and leaving her sleeping I departed. And forthwith an angel of God revealed to my father Jacob concerning my impiety, and he came and mourned over me, and touched her no more.[2] 4. Pay no heed, there”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 8: Twelve Patriarchs, Excerpts, Epistles, Apocrypha, Decretals — CHAP. V.--HOW THE FIGHT BEGINS.: "But if any one say, How does it seem right for men to be separated from their parents? I will tell you how. Because, if they remained with them in error, they would do no good to them, and they would themselves perish with them. It is therefore right, and very right, that he who will be saved be separated from him who will not. But observe this also, that this separa- 154 tion does not come from those who understand aright; for they wish to be with their relatives, and to do them good, an”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 2: Hermas, Tatian, Theophilus, Athenagoras, Clement of Alexandria — WHO IS THE RICH MAN THAT SHALL BE SAVED? (part 27): forgive the repenting brethren.[10] "And if we, being evil, know to give good gifts,"[11] much more is it the nature of the Father of mercies, the good Father of all consolation, much pitying, very merciful, to be long-suffering, to wait for those who have turned. And to turn is really to cease from our sins, and to look no longer behind. XL. Forgiveness of past sins, then, God gives; but of future, each one gives to himself. And this is to repent, to condemn the past”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 8: Twelve Patriarchs, Excerpts, Epistles, Apocrypha, Decretals — IX.--THE TESTAMENT OF GAD CONCERNING HATRED. (part 3): wrong, being reproved not of another, but of his own heart, because the Lord vieweth his intent: he speaketh not against any man, because the fear of the Most High overcometh hatred. For, fearing lest he should offend the Lord, he will not do any wrong to any man, no, not even in thought. These things I learnt at last, after that I had repented concerning Joseph. For true repentance after a godly sort destroyeth unbelief, and driveth away the darkness, and enlightenet”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — TO HIS BELOVED LORD AND VENERABLE BROTHER AND PARTNER IN THE PRIESTLY OFFICE, AUXILIUS,1 AUGUSTIN SENDS GREETING IN THE LORD. (part 4): with the greatest possible dangers. Cancel, therefore, the ecclesiastical sentence which, perhaps under the influence of unusual excitement, you have passed; and let the mutual love which, even from the time when you were a catechumen, has united him and you, be restored again; let strife be banished and peace invited to return, lest this man who is your friend be lost to you, and the devil who is your enemy rejo”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. II. -- 4. Not every one who is indulgent is a friend; nor is every one an enemy who smites. Better are the wounds of a friend than (part 2): used with any man in order to his deliverance from the fatal consequences of error; and yet you see that, in examples which cannot be disputed, this is done by God, who loves us with more real regard for our profit than any other can; and you hear Christ saying, "No man can come to me except the Father draw him, which is done in the hearts of all those who, through fear of the wrath of God, betake them”