Causes of Unresolved Conflict in Marriage and Emotional Distance
Unresolved conflict and emotional distance in marriage often stem from internal "passions at war within you," as described in James 4:1 [1]. These internal struggles can manifest as external disputes and quarrels.
One significant cause of marital strife is unbridled passions and a contentious spirit. Proverbs 21:19 suggests that a "peevish angry wife makes her husband's life uneasy," implying that a lack of peace and love between spouses can lead to a lack of joy in their union [5]. This can lead to a situation where "it is better to have no company than bad company," even within the marital bond [5]. Similarly, some interpretations of Judges 19:2 suggest that frequent brawls and disgust with a spouse could lead to separation [6].
The New Testament also addresses causes of marital breakdown, particularly concerning divorce. Jesus, in Matthew 19:9, permits divorce only in cases of unfaithfulness, emphasizing the permanence of marriage as God's created order [2]. This highlights that actions violating the marital covenant, such as adultery, are significant causes of conflict and potential dissolution. Malachi 2:16 states that God "hates a broken covenant," viewing divorce as an act of treachery and a "cruel social crime" [4]. This perspective underscores that a failure to uphold covenantal faithfulness is a profound source of marital distress.
Historically, the issue of divorce and its causes has been debated. In Jesus' time, there was a controversy between the schools of Hillel and Shammai regarding the grounds for divorce, with some allowing it for "any frivolous cause" [8]. Augustine and Aquinas suggest that the permission for divorce in ancient times was partly to prevent "wife-murder," indicating that extreme hatred could be a "proximate cause of divorce" [9]. This suggests that deep-seated animosity and hatred, often stemming from various "remote causes," can lead to the breakdown of a marriage [9].
Furthermore, Jesus' statement in Matthew 10:34, "I came not to send peace, but a sword," can be interpreted as indicating that following Christ can introduce division even within families, including between spouses, due to differing beliefs and allegiances [3, 7]. This suggests that fundamental disagreements on core values or spiritual paths can also be a source of profound emotional distance and conflict within a marriage.
Sources
- James “James 4:1 (BSB) — What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you?”
- Matthew (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Matthew 19:9: 19:9 Jesus permits only one legitimate reason for a man to divorce: if his wife has been unfaithful (see 5:32). In the face of those who thought divorce could be taken lightly, Jesus affirms God’s created order: Marriage was designed to be permanent (see Mark 10:11-12). • commits adultery: This speaks only of the man who divorces his wife unlawfully. In such a case, his remarriage is adulterous. Jesus’ motivation is to reestablish the permanency of marriage.”
- Matthew (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Matthew 10:34: For I am come to set a man at variance against,.... Or "to divide a man from his father". Here our Lord opens and explains what he means by the sword, intestine divisions, domestic broils, family differences, as well as such as appear in towns, cities, and kingdoms, which are exemplified by other instances following; and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law: the case is this, a father believing in Christ, embracing his Gospel, and submitting to his institutions, is contradicted, opposed, and persecuted by his own son, ”
- Malachi (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Malachi 2:16: 2:16 hate: God hates a broken covenant (see 1:3; Hos 9:15). This is appropriate because God’s relationship with people is characterized by faithfulness, and he expected no less from Israel (Exod 34:6; Deut 7:9). • To divorce (literally send away) means to expel a marriage partner. Malachi wanted to correct the abuse of the divorce laws (see Deut 24:1-4). • to overwhelm her with cruelty: Cruelty entails acts of violence or wrongdoing. The estrangement of divorce is a violent and cruel social crime. To divorce one’s wife is treachery against her and against the mar”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:19: Note, 1. Unbridled passions embitter and spoil the comfort of all relations. A peevish angry wife makes her husband's life uneasy, to whom she should be a comfort and a meet help. Those cannot dwell in peace and happiness that cannot dwell in peace and love. Even those that are one flesh, if they be not withal one spirit, have no joy of their union. 2. It is better to have no company than bad company. The wife of thy covenant is thy companion, and yet, if she be peevish and provoking, it is better to dwell in a solitary wilderness, exposed to wind and weather, ”
- Judges (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Judges 19:2: his concubine . . . went away from him unto her father's house--The cause of the separation assigned in our version rendered it unlawful for her husband to take her back (Deu 24:4); and according to the uniform style of sentiment and practice in the East, she would have been put to death, had she gone to her father's family. Other versions concur with JOSEPHUS, in representing the reason for the flight from her husband's house to be, that she was disgusted with him, through frequent brawls.”
- Matthew (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Matthew 10:34: Think not that I am come to send peace on earth: I came not to send peace, but a sword--strife, discord, conflict; deadly opposition between eternally hostile principles, penetrating into and rending asunder the dearest ties.”
- Matthew (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Matthew 5:31: It hath been said,.... It is not added here, as in the former instances, "by them of old time"; nor prefaced with these words, "ye have heard"; because the case of divorce was not any law of Moses, or of God by him; but only a permission, because of the hardness of the hearts of the Jews: and as to the controversy, about the causes of divorce, this was not debated by them of old time, but was a new thing, just started in the time of Christ; and was a controversy then agitating, between the schools of Hillell and Shammai: the one allowing it upon any frivolous cause; ”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Supplement (Supplementum), Of the Bill of Divorce, Art. 6: Article: Whether the reason for divorce was hatred for the wife? I answer that, It is the general opinion of holy men that the reason for permission being given to divorce a wife was the avoidance of wife-murder. Now the proximate cause of murder is hatred: wherefore the proximate cause of divorce was hatred. But hatred proceeds, like love, from a cause. Wherefore we must assign to divorce certain remote causes which were a cause of hatred. For Augustine says in his gloss (De Serm. Dom. in Monte i, 14): "In t”