Christian Married Couples' Difficulty in Seeking Help
Christian married couples may face unique challenges in seeking help, often stemming from biblical interpretations regarding marital roles, individual spiritual anxieties, and the church's historical and contemporary approaches to support. The Bible presents marriage as a profound union, yet also acknowledges the distinct concerns that arise within it, particularly when compared to singleness.
One significant aspect contributing to this difficulty is the perceived division of anxieties between married and unmarried individuals. The apostle Paul, in 1 Corinthians, notes that "the married is anxious for the things of the world, how he shall please the wife" [1]. Similarly, he states that "she that hath married, is anxious for the things of the world, how she may please her husband" [2]. This contrasts with the unmarried woman or virgin, who "is anxious for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy [both] in her body and in her spirit" [2]. This distinction suggests that the very nature of marriage introduces worldly concerns and a focus on pleasing one's spouse, which might inadvertently lead couples to prioritize internal marital dynamics over seeking external spiritual or practical assistance. The emphasis on pleasing a spouse, while a positive aspect of marital commitment, could also create a barrier to acknowledging and addressing difficulties outside the marital unit.
The concept of "help" itself is multifaceted in biblical understanding. In 1 Corinthians 12:28, "helps" can refer to assistance given to those who speak in tongues through interpretation, or more broadly, to the mutual support Christians offer one another, such as caring for the poor and needy [3]. The term "help-meet" (Hebrew: ezer ke-negdo) describes a wife as "a help as his counterpart," suitable to him [5]. This foundational understanding of a spouse as a primary helper within the marriage might lead some couples to believe that all necessary help should be found within the marital relationship, making it harder to reach out when internal resources are insufficient.
Historically, the church has recognized the need for support systems, particularly for vulnerable groups. For instance, the early church was expected to care for widows who lacked wealth or family, as seen in Deuteronomy 10:17-19 and Isaiah 1:17, and later in Acts 6:1-6 and James 1:27 [10]. Adam Clarke, a Methodist commentator, emphasizes that if Christian individuals have poor widowed relatives, they should relieve them to avoid burdening the church's funds, which are reserved for widows employed in church service, such as teaching children or visiting the sick [7]. This highlights a tradition of communal care, yet it primarily focuses on individuals in need rather than married couples facing internal struggles.
The New Testament also addresses situations where one spouse is a believer and the other is not. Paul advises Christian spouses not to abandon their unbelieving partners, as they might become a means of salvation for them [8, 13]. This counsel underscores the importance of maintaining the marital commitment even in challenging spiritual disparities [13]. However, this situation can add another layer of complexity for couples seeking help, as the spiritual divide might make it difficult to find common ground for addressing issues or to seek counsel from a shared faith community. Paul also "strongly discouraged the marriage of Christians to unbelievers" [14], indicating a preference for spiritual unity within marriage, which, when absent, could exacerbate difficulties.
Furthermore, the concept of submission within marriage, as outlined in passages like Ephesians 5:22-33, 1 Corinthians 11:3-10, and Colossians 3:18-19, can influence how couples perceive and seek help [11]. While Christian wives are called to submit to their husbands and show them respect, and husbands are called to love their wives, interpretations of these roles can sometimes lead to an insular approach to marital problems. Some interpretations might foster a belief that marital issues should be resolved strictly within the hierarchical structure of the marriage, potentially discouraging external intervention.
The emphasis on love within the Christian community is also crucial. Revelation 2:4 notes that the Ephesian church had lost its initial strong love for Christ and for each other, suggesting that "correct theology, action, and even suffering... are just an empty shell of Christian life if dynamic love is absent" [12]. This principle applies to marriage as well; a decline in mutual love can make seeking and accepting help more challenging.
The compassionate nature of Christ is presented as an encouragement to prayer and a source of comfort for the weary, weak in faith, tempted, afflicted, and diseased [4]. This divine compassion offers a model for how the church and individuals should approach those in need of help. However, despite this theological foundation, practical barriers can remain. Adam Clarke laments the "envious separation among the different sects that profess to believe in Christ Jesus," arguing that if they "helped each other in the spirit of Christian fellowship, more souls would be brought to the knowledge of the truth" [6]. This observation, made in the context of assisting in ministry, can be extended to marital support, suggesting that denominational or communal divisions can hinder the provision of comprehensive help.
The historical development of Christian thought on marriage and family has often emphasized the sanctity and self-sufficiency of the marital unit. While this promotes stability, it can also inadvertently create an environment where admitting marital difficulties is seen as a failure of the couple, rather than an opportunity for growth and communal support. John Chrysostom, an Eastern Orthodox father, in his homilies on 1 & 2 Corinthians, discusses the "special distinction of the virgin" as caring for God alone and the "widow’s mark" as charity and hospitality [9]. While not directly addressing married couples seeking help, his emphasis on distinct roles and spiritual focuses for different states of life highlights how specific expectations can shape the perception of needs and appropriate responses within the church.
Sources
- I Corinthians “I Corinthians 7:33 (YLT) — and the married is anxious for the things of the world, how he shall please the wife.”
- I Corinthians “I Corinthians 7:34 (Rotherham) — And he is divided; and, the unmarried woman, or the virgin, is anxious for the things of the Lord, that she may be holy [both] in her body and in her spirit; but, she that hath married, is anxious for the things of the world, how she may please her husband.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Helps — (1 Cor. 12:28) may refer to help (i.e., by interpretation) given to him who speaks with tongues, or more probably simply help which Christians can render to one another, such as caring for the poor and needy, etc.”
- Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Compassion and Sympathy of Christ, The — Necessary to his priestly office -- Heb 5:2,7. Manifested for the Weary and heavy-laden. -- Mt 11:28-30. Weak in faith. -- Isa 40:11; 42:3; Mt 12:20. Tempted. -- Heb 2:18. Afflicted. -- Lu 7:13; Joh 11:33,35. Diseased. -- Mt 14:14; Mr 1:41. Poor. -- Mr 8:2. Perishing sinners. -- Mt 9:36; Lu 19:41; Joh 3:16. An encouragement to prayer -- Heb 4:15.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Help-meet — (Heb. ezer ke-negdo; i.e., "a help as his counterpart" = a help suitable to him), a wife (Gen. 2:18-20).”
- Luke (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on Luke 5:7: They beckoned unto their partners - Had not these been called in to assist, the net must have been broken, and all the fish lost. What a pity there should be such envious separation among the different sects that profess to believe in Christ Jesus! Did they help each other in the spirit of Christian fellowship, more souls would be brought to the knowledge of the truth. Some will rather leave souls to perish than admit of partners in the sacred work. It is an intolerable pride to think nothing well done but what we do ourselves; and a diabolic envy to be afraid lest oth”
- 1 Timothy (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on 1 Timothy 5:16: If any man or woman that believeth - If any Christian man or woman have poor widows, which are their relatives, let them relieve them - provide them with the necessaries of life, and not burden the Church with their maintenance, that the funds may be spared for the support of those widows who were employed in its service, teaching children, visiting the sick, etc., etc. For the performing of such offices it is very likely that none but widows were employed; and these were chosen, other things being equal, out of the most indigent of the widows, and therefore call”
- 1 Corinthians (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on 1 Corinthians 7:16: For what knowest thou, O wife - You that are Christians, and who have heathen partners, do not give them up because they are such, for you may become the means of saving them unto eternal life. Bear your cross, and look up to God, and he may give your unbelieving husband or wife to your prayers.”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on 1 & 2 Corinthians: her virgins, then gave great ornament to the churches: but now she is made desolate and void, and the tokens only remain. There are indeed widows now, there are also virgins; but they retain not that adornment which women should have who prepare themselves for such wrestlings. For the special distinction of the virgin is the caring for the things of God alone, and the waiting on Him without distraction: and the widow’s mark too should be not so much the not engaging in a second marriage, as the other things, charity to the poor, hospitality, cont”
- 1 Timothy (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Timothy 5:3: 5:3-16 A widow without wealth or family was alone in a world that did not provide for her. The Christian community was expected to care for such widows among its members (see Deut 10:17-19; Isa 1:17; cp. Acts 6:1-6; Jas 1:27). Some have argued that this passage suggests a religious order of widows in the first-century church at Ephesus, but there is no certain evidence of such an order in the first-century church, only of a ministry of care for community members without means.”
- Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 5:22: 5:22-33 Christian wives are to submit to their husbands, showing them respect. Equally important, Christian husbands are to love their wives (see Col 3:18-19). Christian marriages become a reflection of the union and relationship between the Lord and the church. 5:22 Submission is part of the life to which the wives’ Christian commitment calls them (see 1 Cor 11:3-10; 14:34-35; Col 3:18; 1 Tim 2:11-12; Titus 2:5; 1 Pet 3:1-6).”
- Revelation (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Revelation 2:4: 2:4 You don’t love me or each other as you did at first: When the church was first established, their love for Christ and for each other had been strong. Struggles with false teachers and persecution had caused that original love to grow cold. Correct theology, action, and even suffering (2:2-3) are just an empty shell of Christian life if dynamic love is absent (1 Cor 13).”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:12: 7:12-13 Paul now turns to the case of a Christian married to an unbeliever. • I do not have a direct command from the Lord: Paul knew of no saying of Jesus that was directly applicable, but his counsel is consistent: Believers must be faithful and honor their marriage commitment.”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:39: 7:39 A widow may marry another man, but only if he loves the Lord. Paul strongly discouraged the marriage of Christians to unbelievers (cp. 2 Cor 6:14-16).”