Dating Someone Who Drinks Despite Conservative Upbringing
The biblical concept of temperance in drinking is rooted in passages such as Proverbs 20:1, which warns that "wine is a mocker, strong drink is a brawler, and whoever is led astray by them is not wise" [1]. This caution against excessive drinking is echoed in Proverbs 23:20, where readers are advised not to be among "winebibbers" or "riotous eaters of flesh" [12].
In the context of Christian thought, the virtue of sobriety is closely tied to temperance. According to Thomas Aquinas, sobriety is denominated from "measure," and a person is considered sober when they observe this measure. Aquinas argues that sobriety is particularly concerned with the consumption of drink, as it is in this area that it is most difficult to maintain moderation [2].
The early Christian tradition also emphasized the importance of moderation in drinking. Clement of Alexandria, for example, warned against the dangers of intoxication, particularly in social settings where married women were present. He advised that unmarried individuals should avoid being present at banquets where men are under the influence of wine [3].
In Jewish tradition, the issue of drinking is addressed in the context of the sotah ritual, where a woman suspected of adultery is given "bitter water" to drink. The Babylonian Talmud discusses the circumstances under which a woman might refuse to drink the bitter water, and the implications of this refusal for her status [4, 5, 6, 9, 10, 11].
The Reformed tradition has also grappled with the issue of drinking. John Calvin, commenting on 1 Timothy 5:23, advises moderation in drinking, while John Gill, commenting on Proverbs 31:4, notes that it is not fitting for kings or princes to drink to excess [7, 13].
For someone raised in a conservative tradition and considering dating someone who drinks, these sources suggest that the issue is not simply a matter of whether or not one drinks, but rather how one approaches drinking. The biblical warnings against excessive drinking and the emphasis on moderation in Christian and Jewish traditions suggest that drinking in itself is not the problem, but rather the context and manner in which one drinks.
In this light, the decision to date someone who drinks despite being raised in a conservative tradition that discourages or prohibits drinking requires careful consideration. It involves evaluating not just the person's drinking habits, but also their overall character and values. As Augustine notes, habits formed early in life can be difficult to change, and the influence of one's upbringing can shape one's attitudes towards drinking [8].
Sources
- Proverbs “Proverbs 20:1 (BSB) — Wine is a mocker, strong drink is a brawler, and whoever is led astray by them is not wise.”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of Sobriety, Art. 1: Article: Whether drink is the matter of sobriety? I answer that, When a virtue is denominated from some condition common to the virtues, the matter specially belonging to it is that in which it is most difficult and most commendable to satisfy that condition of virtue: thus fortitude is about dangers of death, and temperance about pleasures of touch. Now sobriety takes its name from "measure," for a man is said to be sober because he observes the "bria," i.e. the measure. Wherefore sobriety lays ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 2: Hermas, Tatian, Theophilus, Athenagoras, Clement of Alexandria — CHAP. VII.--DIRECTIONS FOR THOSE WHO LIVE TOGETHER. (part 2): licence of intoxication is dangerous, and prone to deflower; And he names "a married woman," because the danger is greater to him who attempts to break the connubial bond. But if any necessity arises, commanding the presence of married women, let them be well clothed--without by raiment, within by modesty. But as for such as are unmarried, it is the extremest scandal for them to be present at a banquet of men, especially men under the influence of wine. And ”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 99b.38:12: The Gemara answers: This is not difficult; this case, where she is forced to drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision to drink due to fear, as her refusal is not viewed as an admission of guilt, and it is possible that if she drinks she will be found undefiled. And that case, where she does not drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision in a state of good health. Since she does not appear to be afraid, her refusal is viewed as an admission of guilt.”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 19b.12: The Gemara answers: This is not difficult; this case, where she is forced to drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision to drink due to fear, as her refusal is not viewed as an admission of guilt, and it is possible that if she drinks she will be found undefiled. And that case, where she does not drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision in a state of good health. Since she does not appear to be afraid, her refusal is viewed as an admission of guilt.”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 99a.38:12: The Gemara answers: This is not difficult; this case, where she is forced to drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision to drink due to fear, as her refusal is not viewed as an admission of guilt, and it is possible that if she drinks she will be found undefiled. And that case, where she does not drink, is referring to a situation where she retracts her decision in a state of good health. Since she does not appear to be afraid, her refusal is viewed as an admission of guilt.”
- Proverbs (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Proverbs 31:4: It is not for kings, O Lemuel,.... It is not fit for them, it is very unbecoming them; it is dishonourable to them, to such as Lemuel was, or was likely to be; or far be it from kings, let no such thing be do ne by them, nor by thee; it is not for kings to drink wine; nor for princes strong drink; it is lawful for kings to drink wine in a moderate manner, and for princes, counsellors, and judges, to drink strong drink; meaning not such as is made of malt, which in those times was not used; but of honey, dates, pomegranates, and such like things; but then it was ve”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. VIII.--OF THE CONVERSION OF EVODIUS, AND THE DEATH OF HIS MOTHER WHEN RETURNING WITH HIM TO AFRICA; AND WHOSE EDUCATION HE TENDERLY RELATES. (part 2): not control of wine; but when you have come to be married, and made mistresses of storeroom and cellar, you will despise water, but the habit of drinking will remain." By this method of instruction, and power of command, she restrained the longing of their tender age, and regulated the very thirst of the girls to such a becoming limit, as that what was not seemly they did not long for. 18. An”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 99a.51:5: The baraita concludes: With regard to the wife of a mamzer who is married to a mamzer in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a Gibeonite who is married to a Gibeonite in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a convert or an emancipated slave, and a sexually underdeveloped woman, if any of these women becomes a sota she either drinks the bitter water or does not collect payment of her marriage contract, as the marriage is permitted. After citing the entire baraita , the Gemara explains the difficulty: In any event, the baraita teaches that a sexually underde”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 99b.51:5: The baraita concludes: With regard to the wife of a mamzer who is married to a mamzer in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a Gibeonite who is married to a Gibeonite in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a convert or an emancipated slave, and a sexually underdeveloped woman, if any of these women becomes a sota she either drinks the bitter water or does not collect payment of her marriage contract, as the marriage is permitted. After citing the entire baraita , the Gemara explains the difficulty: In any event, the baraita teaches that a sexually underde”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Sotah 26a.5: The baraita concludes: With regard to the wife of a mamzer who is married to a mamzer in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a Gibeonite who is married to a Gibeonite in a permitted marriage, and the wife of a convert or an emancipated slave, and a sexually underdeveloped woman, if any of these women becomes a sota she either drinks the bitter water or does not collect payment of her marriage contract, as the marriage is permitted. After citing the entire baraita , the Gemara explains the difficulty: In any event, the baraita teaches that a sexually underdevel”
- Proverbs (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Proverbs 23:20: Be not amongst winebibbers,.... Who drink to excess, otherwise wine may be drank, provided moderation is used; but it is not good to be in company with, excessive drinkers of it, lost a habit of excessive drinking should be acquired; among riotous eaters of flesh; flesh may be lawfully eaten, but not in a riotous manner, so as to indulge to gluttony and surfeiting; nor should such persons be kept company with that do so, lest their ways should be learned and imitated.”
- CCEL (Reformed) “Calvin, Commentary on 1-2 Timothy, Titus, Philemon, section 24.3: counsels at all times separated from theirs, so that you may keep yourself pure.” If any prefer to view it as a general statement, let him enjoy his opinion; but, for my own part, I reckon it to be more suitable to limit it to the present context. 23 No longer drink water There are some who conjecture that this sentence, which breaks off the train of thought, was not written by Paul. But we see that Paul was not so anxious about keeping up the close connection of a discourse, and that it was very customary with him to intermingl”