Dealing with a Friend's Emotional Withdrawal and Hidden Pain
When a friend experiences emotional withdrawal and hidden pain, the biblical tradition emphasizes the importance of compassionate engagement. The book of Job highlights the expectation that a friend should show pity to the afflicted [2, 8]. Job himself laments that even if he speaks, his pain is not relieved, yet if he holds back, it will not go away, illustrating the difficult dilemma of one suffering in silence [1].
Theological reflection on pain and sorrow often points to the consoling power of friendship. Thomas Aquinas, drawing on philosophical insights, explains that the sympathy of a friend assuages pain because sorrow is a burden, and when others are saddened by one's sorrow, it feels as though they are sharing the burden [3]. This shared grief, or pity, arises when one looks upon another's distress as if it were one's own, often through a "union of the affections" [4]. John Gill, in his commentary on Job, notes that an afflicted person, whether suffering inwardly from a wounded spirit or outwardly from physical or material loss, is an object of pity [8].
However, friends can also exacerbate suffering through unkindness or censure, as Matthew Henry observes regarding Job's companions [5]. Job's complaint underscores the potential for those who should be comforters to become tormentors [5]. Augustine of Hippo speaks from personal experience about the relief found in the love of close friends, especially when "chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world," finding rest in their love without disturbance [6]. He also notes that individuals withdrawing due to internal weakness or shame may find it difficult to articulate their reasons for doing so [7].
Even in profound spiritual distress, there can be a complex interplay of emotions. John Calvin describes how those who feel bitter pain can simultaneously be filled with spiritual joy, experiencing anxiety yet exhilarated by divine consolation. This suggests a "repugnance in their hearts," where natural sense shuns adversity, but pious affection strives to obey God's will [9]. This internal conflict can contribute to a friend's hidden pain and withdrawal.
Sources
- Job “Job 16:6 (BSB) — Even if I speak, my pain is not relieved, and if I hold back, how will it go away?”
- Job “Job 6:14 (KJV) — To him that is afflicted pity should be shewed from his friend; but he forsaketh the fear of the Almighty.”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, First Part of the Second Part (Prima Secundae), Of the Remedies of Sorrow or Pain, Art. 3: Article: Whether pain or sorrow are assuaged by the sympathy of friends? I answer that, When one is in pain, it is natural that the sympathy of a friend should afford consolation: whereof the Philosopher indicates a twofold reason (Ethic. ix, 11). The first is because, since sorrow has a depressing effect, it is like a weight whereof we strive to unburden ourselves: so that when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of Mercy, Art. 2: Article: Whether the reason for taking pity is a defect in the person who pities? I answer that, Since pity is grief for another's distress, as stated above (Article [1]), from the very fact that a person takes pity on anyone, it follows that another's distress grieves him. And since sorrow or grief is about one's own ills, one grieves or sorrows for another's distress, in so far as one looks upon another's distress as one's own. Now this happens in two ways: first, through union of the affections, ”
- Job (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Job 6:14: Eliphaz had been very severe in his censures of Job; and his companions, though as yet they had said little, yet had intimated their concurrence with him. Their unkindness therein poor Job here complains of, as an aggravation of his calamity and a further excuse of his desire to die; for what satisfaction could he ever expect in this world when those that should have been his comforters thus proved his tormentors? I. He shows what reason he had to expect kindness from them. His expectation was grounded upon the common principles of humanity (Job 6:14): "To him that i”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. III. -- 6. I am not acquainted with the writings speaking injuriously of you, which you tell me have come into Africa.. I have, however, received the reply to these which you have been pleased t (part 4): in the manner in which I ought: for I do not wonder that we are less thoroughly known to each other than we are to our most close and intimate friends. Upon the love of such friends I readily cast myself without reservation, especially when chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world; and in their love I rest without any disturbing ca”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 3: Augustine — On the Holy Trinity — CHAP. 13.--OF THE REMEDY FOR THE FOURTH (part 3): person withdrawing is one (inasmuch as it is usually the case in these circumstances that the man is unavoidably urged to that course by the fear that he should even fall, overcome by internal weakness) who has to be initiated in the first sacraments; for a person in this position is at once restrained by the sense of shame from stating the reason of his going, and not permitted to stand through the force of his weakness. This I speak from experience. For this was the case with a certain individual”
- Job (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Job 6:13: To him that is afflicted pity should be showed from his friend,.... An "afflicted" man is an object of pity, one that is afflicted of God; either inwardly with a wounded spirit, with a sense of God's displeasure, with divine desertions, with the arrows of the Almighty sticking in him, the poison thereof drinking up his spirits; or outwardly with diseases of body, with want of the necessaries of life, with loss of near relations, as well as substance, which was Job's case; or afflicted by Satan, shot at, sifted and buffered by him, distressed by his temptations, suggestio”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 63: they feel bitterly, they are at the same time filled with spiritual joy; though pressed with anxiety, breathe exhilarated by the consolation of God. Still there is a certain degree of repugnance in their hearts, because natural sense shuns and dreads what is adverse to it, while pious affection, even through these difficulties, tries to obey the divine will. This repugnance the Lord expressed when he thus addressed Peter: “Verily, verily, I say unto thee, When thou wast young, thou girdedst thyself and walkedst whither thou wouldst”