Dealing with Abusive Parents in Christian Relationships

The Bible establishes the father as the head of the family, reflecting God's authority over creation ^[2]. Parents are entrusted by God with their children ^[1]. Scriptural guidance for parents includes loving their children, bringing them to Christ, training them for God, instructing them in His word, and providing for them ^[1]. Children, in turn, are called to obey and honor their parents ^[6].

However, the Bible also acknowledges that family relationships can be strained or broken. Jesus noted that families would be divided, "father against son, and son against father" ^[4]. While children are generally expected to honor and obey parents, this obedience is not absolute if it conflicts with devotion to God ^[8]. Calvin, for instance, suggests that children should not enter into disputes with parents "except in so far as it can be done without offending God" ^[10].

Scripture condemns harshness and injustice from parents. Fathers are specifically warned not to provoke their children to anger through vexatious commands, unreasonable blame, or an uncertain temper ^{[12, 13]}. Such actions can discourage children ^[12]. Instead, parental discipline should be loving and gentle, aimed at drawing children to the Lord rather than turning them away ^[13]. The concept of "natural affection" is highlighted as essential, with its absence being a characteristic of difficult times ^[9].

The Bible also shows God's special concern for the vulnerable, including the fatherless and afflicted ^{[3, 5]}. God is described as a "father of the fatherless" and promises to execute judgment for them, punishing those who oppress or defraud them ^[3]. This divine care for those who lack proper parental protection suggests a broader principle of protection for those suffering within family structures. While the Bible emphasizes filial piety and care for aging parents ^{[7, 11]}, it also implicitly recognizes situations where parental conduct deviates significantly from God's design, leading to harm.

Sources

Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Parents — Receive their children from God -- Ge 33:5; 1Sa 1:27; Ps 127:3. Their duty to their children is To love them. -- Tit 2:4. To bring them to Christ. -- Mt 19:13,14. To train them up for God. -- Pr 22:6; Eph 6:4. To instruct them in God's word. -- De 4:9; 11:19; Isa 38:19. To tell them of God's judgments. -- Joe 1:3. To tell them of the miraculous works of God. -- Ex 10:2; Ps 78:4. To command them to obey God. -- De 32:46; 1Ch 28:9. To bless them. -- Ge 48:15; Heb 11:20. To pity them. -- Ps 103:13. To provide for them. -- Job 42:15; 2Co 12:14; 1Ti 5:8. To rule”
Smith's Bible Dictionary “Smith's Bible Dictionary: Father — The position and authority of the father as the head of the family are expressly assumed and sanctioned in Scripture, as a likeness of that of the Almighty over his creatures. It lies of course at the root of that so-called patriarchal government, (Genesis 3:16; 1 Corinthians 11:3) which was introductory to the more definite systems which followed, and which in part, but not wholly, superseded it. The father's blessing was regarded as conferring special benefit, but his malediction special injury, on those on whom it fell, (Genesis 9:25,27; 27:27-40; 48:15,20”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Fatherless — Find mercy in God -- Ho 14:3. God will Be a father of. -- Ps 68:5. Be a helper of. -- Ps 10:14. Hear the cry of. -- Ex 22:23. Execute the judgment of. -- De 10:18; Ps 10:18. Punish those who oppress. -- Ex 22:24; Isa 10:1-3; Mal 3:5. Punish those who judge not. -- Jer 5:28,29. Visit in affliction -- Jas 1:27. Let them share in our blessings -- De 14:29. Defend -- Ps 82:3; Isa 1:17. Wrong not, in judgment -- De 24:17. Defraud not -- Pr 23:10. Afflict not -- Ex 22:22. Oppress not -- Zec 7:10. Do no violence to -- Jer 22:3. Blessedness of taking care of -- ”
Luke “They will be divided, father against son, and son against father; mother against daughter, and daughter against her mother; mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law, and daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law.” -- Luke 12:53”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Afflicted, Duty Toward The — To pray for them -- Ac 12:5; Php 1:16,19; Jas 5:14-16. To sympathise with them -- Ro 12:15; Ga 6:2. To pity them -- Job 6:14. To bear them in mind -- Heb 13:3. To visit them -- Jas 1:27. To comfort them -- Job 16:5; 29:25; 2Co 1:4; 1Th 4:18. To relieve them -- Job 31:19,20; Isa 58:10; Php 4:14; 1Ti 5:10. To protect them -- Ps 82:3; Pr 22:22; 31:5.”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Children — Christ was an example to -- Lu 2:51; Joh 19:26,27. Are a gift from God -- Ge 33:5; Ps 127:3. Are capable of glorifying God -- Ps 8:2; 148:12,13; Mt 21:15,16. Should be Brought to Christ. -- Mr 10:13-16. Brought early to the house of God. -- 1Sa 1:24. Instructed in the ways of God. -- De 31:12,13; Pr 22:6. Judiciously trained. -- Pr 22:15; 29:17; Eph 6:4. Should Obey God. -- De 30:2. Fear God. -- Pr 24:21. Remember God. -- Ec 12:1. Attend to parental teaching. -- Pr 1:8,9. Honour parents. -- Ex 20:12; Heb 12:9. Fear parents. -- Le 19:3. Obey parents. -- Pr ”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Children, Good — The Lord is with -- 1Sa 3:19. Know the Scriptures -- 2Ti 3:15. Observe the law of God -- Pr 28:7. Their obedience to parents is well pleasing to God -- Col 3:20. Partake of the promises of God -- Ac 2:39. Shall be blessed -- Pr 3:1-4; Eph 6:2,3. Show love to parents -- Ge 46:29. Obey parents -- Ge 28:7; 47:30. Attend to parental teaching -- Pr 13:1. Take care of parents -- Ge 45:9,11; 47:12. Make their parents' hearts glad -- Pr 10:1; 29:17. Honour the aged -- Job 32:6,7. Adduced as a motive for submission to God -- Heb 12:9. Spirit of, a requisite f”
Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 6:1: 6:1-4 The relationship between parents and children is to be a reflection of their devotion to the Lord. Christian children are to obey their parents, and Christian parents are to discipline their children gently (see Col 3:20-21).”
2 Timothy (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 2 Timothy 3:3: Without natural affection,.... To parents, or children, or wife; parents thrusting their children into religious houses, cloisters, &c. against their wills; children leaving their parents without their knowledge or consent; married bishops and priests being obliged to quit their wives, and declare their children spurious; with many other such unnatural actions. Trucebreakers; or covenant breakers; stirring up princes to break through their treaties and covenants with one another; dissolving the allegiance of subjects to their sovereigns, and moving them to rebelli”
CCEL (Reformed) “Calvin, Commentary on Philippians, Colossians, 1-2 Thessalonians, section 40.3: into dispute with them, as associate with associate, as they say. At the same time, let it be only in so far as it can be done without offending God.” He prohibits parents from exercising an immoderate harshness, lest their children should be so disheartened as to be incapable of receiving any honorable training; for we see, from daily experience, the advantage of a liberal education. 22 Servants, be obedient. Anything that is stated here respecting servants requires no exposition, as it has been already expounded ”
1 Timothy (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Timothy 5:4: if any widow have children--not "a widow indeed," as having children who ought to support her. nephews--rather, as Greek, "descendants," or "grandchildren" [HESYCHIUS]. "Nephews" in old English meant "grandchildren" [HOOKER, Ecclesiastical Polity, 5.20]. let them--the children and descendants. learn first--ere it falls to the Church to support them. to show piety at home--filial piety towards their widowed mother or grandmother, by giving her sustenance. Literally, "to show piety towards their own house." "Piety is applied to the reverential ”
Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 6:4: fathers--including mothers; the fathers are specified as being the fountains of domestic authority. Fathers are more prone to passion in relation to their children than mothers, whose fault is rather over-indulgence. provoke not--irritate not, by vexatious commands, unreasonable blame, and uncertain temper [ALFORD]. Col 3:21, "lest they be discouraged." nurture--Greek, "discipline," namely, training by chastening in act where needed (Job 5:17; Heb 12:7). admonition--training by words (Deu 6:7; "catechise," Pro 22:6, Margin), whether of encourag”
Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 6:4: 6:4 Fathers can often provoke their children to anger by being harsh or unjust (see Col 3:21). Parents should give their children the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord (or the discipline and instruction about the Lord) so that they will learn a way of living that is good and pleases God. Such discipline is not to be excessive, but loving and gentle, so that children are not turned from the Lord but are drawn to him (cp. Heb 12:5-11).”

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