Dealing with Adult Children's Disrespect and Boundary Setting
The biblical tradition emphasizes honor and respect for parents, a duty that extends throughout life, even into adulthood. The fifth commandment, "Honor your father and your mother," is foundational to this understanding [7, 8]. This command is not merely about avoiding injurious acts or disrespectful speech but also encompasses acts of kindness, filial respect, and obedience [7].
Disrespect toward parents is viewed seriously in biblical texts. Deuteronomy 27:16 states that dishonoring one's father or mother is a grave offense, ranking just below disrespecting God [4]. The book of Job illustrates the pain of such disrespect, with Job lamenting, "Even young children, despise me, I rise up, and they speak against me" [1]. Proverbs also highlights the expectation that adults will revere the parents they once obeyed [3].
While the Bible strongly upholds parental authority, it also suggests limitations and proper conduct within family relationships. Deuteronomy 21:18 describes a legal process for a "refractory son" who does not heed his parents' discipline. In this scenario, the parents bring the son to the elders, who act as magistrates to uphold parental authority rather than strictly as judges [2]. This passage indicates that parental authority, while significant, was not absolute and could involve community oversight in extreme cases [2].
The New Testament further elaborates on how believers should interact with different age groups within the community, which can inform boundary-setting with adult children. Paul instructs Timothy to treat "elder women as mothers" and "younger as sisters," emphasizing respect and tenderness in addressing their faults [6]. This suggests a model of communication that is both direct and respectful, akin to how one would speak to a family member, but "with all purity" [6]. This principle of proper honor within the "household of God" cuts across social boundaries and applies to interactions with both older and younger individuals [5].
The concept of "honor" in the biblical context implies a deep-seated respect and care. Adam Clarke notes that parents "stand as it were in the place of God to their children" for a significant period, making rebellion against their lawful commands akin to rebellion against God [7]. This perspective underscores the weight of the command to honor parents, suggesting that the duty of respect does not diminish with the child's age. However, the nature of "obedience" may evolve as children mature into adulthood, shifting from direct submission to a more reciprocal relationship of mutual respect and care.
Sources
- Job “Job 19:18 (Rotherham) — Even young children, despise me, I rise up, and they speak against me;”
- Deuteronomy (Lutheran) “Keil & Delitzsch on Deuteronomy 21:18: Punishment of a Refractory Son. - The laws upon this point aim not only at the defence, but also at the limitation, of parental authority. If any one's son was unmanageable and refractory, not hearkening to the voice of his parents, even when they chastised him, his father and mother were to take him and lead him out to the elders of the town into the gate of the place. The elders are not regarded here as judges in the strict sense of the word, but as magistrates, who had to uphold the parental authority, and administer the local police. The gate of the t”
- Proverbs (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Proverbs 23:22: Hearken--that is, obey (Pro 1:8; Eph 6:1). despise . . . old--Adults revere the parents whom, as children, they once obeyed.”
- Deuteronomy (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Deuteronomy 27:16: 27:16 dishonors father or mother: In the various spheres of human relationships, duty to parents ranked just below duty to God (see 5:16). To disrespect and disobey parents was just short of disrespecting God.”
- 1 Timothy (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Timothy 5:1: 5:1–6:2a Right conduct in God’s household (see 3:15) relates to old and young (5:1-2), widows (5:3-16), elders (5:17-25), and slaves (6:1-2a). Proper honor within the household cuts across social boundaries.”
- 1 Timothy (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Timothy 5:2: The elder women as mothers,.... When they offend in any point, they are to be reasoned, and argued, and pleaded with, as children should with their mothers; see Hos 2:2 and are to be considered as mothers in Israel, and to be treated with great tenderness and respect. The younger as sisters; using the freedom as a brother may with a sister; and considering them as sisters in Christ, and in a way becoming the relation, tell them their faults freely and privately, but with all purity: in such manner as to preserve chastity in looks, in words, and actions.”
- Exodus (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on Exodus 20:12: Honor thy father and thy mother - There is a degree of affectionate respect which is owing to parents, that no person else can properly claim. For a considerable time parents stand as it were in the place of God to their children, and therefore rebellion against their lawful commands has been considered as rebellion against God. This precept therefore prohibits, not only all injurious acts, irreverent and unkind speeches to parents, but enjoins all necessary acts of kindness, filial respect, and obedience. We can scarcely suppose that a man honors his parents who, ”
- Exodus (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Exodus 20:12: We have here the laws of the second table, as they are commonly called, the last six of the ten commandments, comprehending our duty to ourselves and to one another, and constituting a comment upon the second great commandment, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. As religion towards God is an essential branch of universal righteousness, so righteousness towards men is an essential branch of true religion. Godliness and honesty must go together. I. The fifth commandment concerns the duties we owe to our relations; those of children to their parents are alone”