Dealing With Awkward Encounters After Conflict

The Bible and early Christian writers frequently address the challenges of conflict and the subsequent need for reconciliation, emphasizing peace and unity within the community. Jesus, in both Matthew and Luke, urges followers to "reconcile quickly with your adversary" while there is still opportunity, likening it to settling a dispute before reaching court to avoid harsher consequences ^{[1, 5]}. This counsel highlights the urgency of addressing conflict proactively.

The Apostle Paul, in his second letter to the Corinthians, expresses concern over potential divisions and strife within the church, listing "debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults" as issues he fears encountering ^{[2, 4]}. This suggests that unresolved conflicts can lead to a breakdown of communal harmony and spiritual well-being. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown Commentary on Colossians notes Paul's "conflict" for those who have not seen his face, indicating a broader concern for the spiritual state of distant communities ^[10].

Patristic writers also underscore the importance of peaceful coexistence. Lactantius, in ANF Vol 7, instructs bishops to remind their congregations to live peaceably and to resolve any controversies before prayer, ensuring that worship is offered with a clear conscience ^[6]. This practice suggests that reconciliation was seen as a prerequisite for proper participation in communal religious life. Augustine, in City of God, observes that even the earthly city, despite its pursuit of peace, is often plagued by "litigations, wars, quarrels" ^[11]. He also notes that differences in language can create barriers between people, leading to misunderstandings and conflict ^[7]. However, Augustine also advises excusing strong feelings in defense of one's communion, particularly in younger individuals, suggesting a degree of understanding for passionate disagreements ^[8].

The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown Commentary on Luke 12:51 interprets Jesus' words about bringing not peace but division as a recognition that following Christ may initially lead to conflict, even within families, as a result of differing allegiances ^[12]. This perspective acknowledges that not all conflict can be immediately resolved with peace, especially when fundamental beliefs are at stake. However, the general thrust of biblical and patristic teaching leans towards active reconciliation.

Matthew Henry's commentary on Proverbs 25:15 recommends patience and mildness in dealing with others, even those who are initially resistant. He suggests that waiting for a "fit opportunity" and allowing time for consideration can persuade even those in authority to accept a reasonable point of view ^[9]. This approach emphasizes strategic and gentle engagement rather than forceful confrontation.

The early church also recognized the need for discernment in difficult matters. Deuteronomy 17:8 describes a process for resolving disputes that are "too difficult," such as those "between blood and blood, between legal claim and legal claim," by bringing them to a chosen place for judgment ^[3]. This highlights the ancient understanding that some conflicts require external arbitration or a structured process for resolution.

Sources

Matthew “Matthew 5:25 (BSB) — Reconcile quickly with your adversary, while you are still on the way to court. Otherwise, he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison.”
II Corinthians “II Corinthians 12:20 (KJV) — For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults:”
Deuteronomy “Deuteronomy 17:8 (LEB) — “⌞If a matter is too difficult for you⌟, for example disputes between blood and blood, between legal claim and legal claim and between assault and assault and between matters of discernment in your ⌞towns⌟, then you shall get up and you shall go to the place that Yahweh your God will choose;”
King James Version “[KJV] 2 Corinthians 12:20 — For I fear, lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I would, and that I shall be found unto you such as ye would not: lest there be debates, envyings, wraths, strifes, backbitings, whisperings, swellings, tumults:”
Luke “Luke 12:58 (BSB) — Make every effort to reconcile with your adversary while you are on your way to the magistrate. Otherwise, he may drag you off to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and the officer may throw you into prison.”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 7: Lactantius, Venantius, Asterius, Victorinus, Dionysius — THAT THE BISHOPS MUST BY THEIR DEACON PUT THE PEOPLE IN MIND OF THE OBLIGATION THEY ARE UNDER TO LIVE PEACEABLY TOGETHER.: LIV. Wherefore, O bishop, when you are to go to prayer after the lessons, and the psalmody, and the instruction out of the Scriptures, let the deacon stand nigh you, and with a loud voice say: Let none have any quarrel with another; let none come in hypocrisy; that if there be any controversy found among any of you, they may be affected in conscience, and may pray to God, and be reconciled to their brethre”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 7.--OF THE DIVERSITY OF LANGUAGES, BY WHICH THE INTERCOURSE OF MEN IS PREVENTED; AND OF THE MISERY OF WARS, EVEN OF THOSE CALLED JUST. (part 1): After the state or city comes the world, the third circle of human society,--the first being the house, and the second the city. And the world, as it is larger, so it is fuller of dangers, as the greater sea is the more dangerous. And here, in the first place, man is separated from man by the difference of languages. For if two men, each ignorant of the other's language, meet, and are no”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — TO PROCULEIANUS, MY LORD, HONOURABLE AND MOST BELOVED, AUGUSTIN SENDS GREETING. (part 3): who is righteous, lest the unction of smooth but pernicious flattery, which is the oil of the sinner, should anoint our head. Although, therefore, brother Evodius, through undue excitement+in defending the communion to which he belongs, may have said something too vehemently through strong feeling, you ought to excuse him on the ground of his age, and of the importance of the matter in his estimation. 4. I beseech you, however, to remember what you have been”
Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 25:15: Two things are here recommended to us, in dealing with others, as likely means to gain our point: - 1. Patience, to bear a present heat without being put into a heat by it, and to wait for a fit opportunity to offer our reasons and to give persons time to consider them. By this means even a prince may be persuaded to do a thing which he seemed very averse to, much more a common person. That which is justice and reason now will be so another time, and therefore we need not urge them with violence now, but wait for a more convenient season. 2. Mildness, to speak ”
Colossians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Colossians 2:2: Translate, "That their hearts may be comforted." The "their," compared with "you" (Col 2:4), proves that in Col 2:1 the words, "have not seen my face in the flesh," is a general designation of those for whom Paul declares he has "conflict," including the particular species, "you (Colossians) and them at Laodicea." For it is plain, the prayer "that their hearts may be comforted," must include in it the Colossians for whom he expressly says, "I have conflict." Thus it is an abbreviated mode of expression for, "That your and their hearts may be comfort”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 4.--OF THE CONFLICT AND PEACE OF THE: EARTHLY CITY. But the earthly city, which shall not be everlasting (for it will no longer be a city when it has been committed to the extreme penalty), has its good in this world, and rejoices in it with such joy as such things can afford. But as this is not a good which can discharge its devotees of all distresses, this city is often divided against itself by litigations, wars, quarrels, and such victories as are either life-destroying or short-lived. For each part of it that arms against an”
Luke (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Luke 12:51: peace . . . ? Nay, &c.--the reverse of peace, in the first instance. (See on Mat 10:34-36.) The connection of all this with the foregoing warnings about hypocrisy, covetousness, and watchfulness, is deeply solemn: "My conflict hasten apace; Mine over, yours begins; and then, let the servants tread in their Master's steps, uttering their testimony entire and fearless, neither loving nor dreading the world, anticipating awful wrenches of the dearest ties in life, but looking forward, as I do, to the completion of their testimony, when, reaching the haven ”

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