Dealing with Emotionally Abusive Family Members Biblically

Biblical Foundations for Dealing with Emotionally Abusive Family Members

Dealing with emotionally abusive family members is a challenging and sensitive issue that requires a thoughtful and biblical approach. The Bible provides guidance on how to navigate complex family dynamics, emphasizing the importance of love, respect, and boundaries.

The biblical account of Jacob's family dynamics illustrates the complexities of dealing with emotionally abusive relatives. Jacob's fear of his brother Esau is evident in Genesis 32:11, where he prays for deliverance from Esau's potential violence ^[2]. This passage highlights the need for caution and prayer when dealing with potentially abusive family members.

Principles for Dealing with Emotionally Abusive Family Members

The Bible provides several principles for dealing with emotionally abusive family members. Firstly, it emphasizes the importance of maintaining healthy family relationships through mutual forbearance and unity (Genesis 45:24; 50:17-21) ^[3]. However, this does not mean tolerating abusive behavior. Instead, it involves setting boundaries and seeking support from others.

The book of Psalms highlights God's concern for the vulnerable, including those who are afflicted or oppressed by others (Psalm 10:14; 68:5) ^{[4, 5]}. This concern is echoed in the New Testament, where believers are exhorted to sympathize with, comfort, and relieve those who are afflicted (Romans 12:15; 2 Corinthians 1:4; James 1:27) ^[1].

Setting Boundaries and Seeking Support

In dealing with emotionally abusive family members, setting boundaries is crucial. The Babylonian Talmud advises against imposing excessive fear on household members, citing the example of the husband of the concubine of Gibeah, whose excessive fear led to a disastrous outcome (Gittin 6b.15) ^[8]. This teaching emphasizes the importance of maintaining a balance between authority and compassion in family relationships.

John Calvin notes that parents have a responsibility to educate their children and maintain order in the household, but this must be done in a way that is not overly harsh or abusive (Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 109) ^[9]. Similarly, John Gill comments on the importance of fathers not provoking their children to wrath, either through words or actions (Commentary on Ephesians 6:4) ^[7].

Caring for the Vulnerable

The Bible places a strong emphasis on caring for the vulnerable, including widows and orphans. Maimonides writes that individuals are obligated to show great care for orphans and widows, as their spirits are often low and their feelings depressed (Mishneh Torah, Human Dispositions 6:10) ^[6]. This care involves not only providing for their physical needs but also being sensitive to their emotional well-being.

Conclusion

Dealing with emotionally abusive family members requires a nuanced and biblical approach that balances love, respect, and boundaries. By setting boundaries, seeking support, and caring for the vulnerable, believers can navigate complex family dynamics in a way that honors God and promotes healing. As Charles Hodge notes, the Scriptural rule is simple and comprehensive, prescribing obedience and exceptions that justify themselves to a divinely enlightened conscience (Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 47) ^[10].

Sources

Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Afflicted, Duty Toward The — To pray for them -- Ac 12:5; Php 1:16,19; Jas 5:14-16. To sympathise with them -- Ro 12:15; Ga 6:2. To pity them -- Job 6:14. To bear them in mind -- Heb 13:3. To visit them -- Jas 1:27. To comfort them -- Job 16:5; 29:25; 2Co 1:4; 1Th 4:18. To relieve them -- Job 31:19,20; Isa 58:10; Php 4:14; 1Ti 5:10. To protect them -- Ps 82:3; Pr 22:22; 31:5.”
Genesis “Please deliver me from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he come and strike me, and the mothers with the children. -- Genesis 32:11”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Families — Of saints blessed -- Ps 128:3-6. Should Be taught the Scriptures. -- De 4:9,10. Worship God together. -- 1Co 16:19. Be duly regulated. -- Pr 31:27; 1Ti 3:4,5,12. Live in unity. -- Ge 45:24; Ps 133:1. Live in mutual forbearance. -- Ge 50:17-21; Mt 18:21,22. Rejoice together before God. -- De 14:26. Deceivers and liars should be removed from -- Ps 101:7. Warning against departing from God -- De 29:18. Punishment of irreligious -- Jer 10:25. Good -- Exemplified Abraham. -- Ge 18:19. Jacob. -- Ge 35:2. Joshua. -- Jos 24:15. David. -- 2Sa 6:20. Job. -- Job 1:5.”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Fatherless — Find mercy in God -- Ho 14:3. God will Be a father of. -- Ps 68:5. Be a helper of. -- Ps 10:14. Hear the cry of. -- Ex 22:23. Execute the judgment of. -- De 10:18; Ps 10:18. Punish those who oppress. -- Ex 22:24; Isa 10:1-3; Mal 3:5. Punish those who judge not. -- Jer 5:28,29. Visit in affliction -- Jas 1:27. Let them share in our blessings -- De 14:29. Defend -- Ps 82:3; Isa 1:17. Wrong not, in judgment -- De 24:17. Defraud not -- Pr 23:10. Afflict not -- Ex 22:22. Oppress not -- Zec 7:10. Do no violence to -- Jer 22:3. Blessedness of taking care of -- ”
Psalms “But you do see trouble and grief. You consider it to take it into your hand. You help the victim and the fatherless. -- Psalms 10:14”
Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Human Dispositions 6:10: A person is obligated to show great care for orphans and widows because their spirits are very low and their feelings are depressed. 1 These people tend to be oversensitive and the smallest harshness or slight might cause them pain and thus, constitute a transgression of the prohibition mentioned below. This applies even if they are wealthy. We are commanded to [show this attention] even to a king's widow and his orphans 2 In addition to the possibility of financial difficulties which are often experienced by widows and orph”
Ephesians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Ephesians 6:4: And ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath,.... Neither by words; by unjust and, unreasonable commands; by contumelious and reproachful language; by frequent and public chidings, and by indiscreet and passionate expressions: nor by deeds; preferring one to another; by denying them the necessaries of life; by not allowing them proper recreation; by severe and cruel blows, and inhuman usage; by not giving them suitable education; by an improper disposal of them in marriage; and by profusely spending their estates, and leaving nothing to them: not but that pare”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 6b.15: Rav Ḥisda says: A person should never impose excessive fear upon the members of his household, as the husband of the concubine of Gibeah imposed excessive fear upon her and this ultimately caused the downfall of many tens of thousands of Jews in the resulting war (see Judges 19–20).”
CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 109: Index of Scripture References Genesis 1:2 1:26 1:27 1:31 2:7 2:7 2:17 2:18 2:23 2:23 3:7 3:9 3:12 3:15 3:15 3:15 3:22 4:4 4:7 4:10 4:13 6:3 6:5 6:6 6:18 7:21 8:21 9:6 12:12 12:17 14:18 14:18 15:1 15:1 15:5 15:17 16:9 17:7 17:7 17:10 17:10 17:13 17:15 17:27 18:2 18:23 20:3 20:7 21:1 21:12 21:24 22:1 22:8 22:16-18 23:4 23:19 24:7 24:10 26:27 27:28 27:38-39 28:12 28:20 29 30:2 31:19 31:20 31:40-41 32 32:10 32:13 32:29-30 33 34 36:22 37:18 37:28 37:33 38:18 42 43 43:14 45:5 47:9 47:9 47:29-30 48:14 48:16 49:5-6 49:18 Exodus 2:12 3:2 3”
CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 47: 352 The Scriptural rule is simple and comprehensive. It does not go into unnecessary details. It prescribes the general rule of obedience. The exceptions to that rule must be such as justify themselves to a divinely enlightened conscience, i.e ., a conscience enlightened by the Word and Spirit of God. The general principle given in the Bible in all such cases is, “It is right to obey God rather than man.” The Promise. This commandment has a special promise attached to it. This promise has a theocratical form as it stands in the decalogue,”

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