Dealing With Family Members Who Seem Distant
Experiences of familial distance and estrangement are reflected throughout biblical and ancient Jewish literature, often described as a source of profound distress. The Psalmist laments, "I have become strange to my brothers, and like a man from a far country to my mother's children" [1]. Similarly, Job expresses his anguish, stating, "My Brethren—from beside me, hath he moved far away, and, mine acquaintance, are wholly estranged from me" [5]. Another psalm notes, "My friends and companions stand aloof from my affliction, and my relatives stand afar off" [4]. These passages highlight the pain associated with being separated or alienated from close kin.
The causes of such distance can vary. Proverbs suggests that "A froward man sendeth forth contention, A tale-bearer is separating a familiar friend" [3], indicating that divisive behavior and gossip can lead to estrangement. In Job's case, the distance from his brethren is attributed to God's actions, interpreted by John Gill as God keeping away those from whom Job might expect comfort and succor, treating him "as with an enemy" [12]. This suggests that external circumstances, or even divine providence, can contribute to familial separation.
Rabbinic tradition also addresses the concept of distance within families. Rashi, commenting on Proverbs 27:10, contrasts a "distant brother" with "the One Who is near to those who call Him," implying that some brothers actively distance themselves, as Esau did from Jacob [7]. The Mishnah discusses the role of Elijah in reconciliation, stating that he will "not come to pronounce unclean or to pronounce clean, to put away or to bring near, but to put away those brought near by force and to bring near those put away by force" [8]. This suggests that familial relationships can be forcibly altered, and Elijah's role is to rectify such injustices, restoring proper familial connections.
The importance of familial bonds is underscored by the emphasis on care for vulnerable family members. Maimonides, in Mishneh Torah, stresses the obligation to show great care for orphans and widows, noting their emotional fragility and susceptibility to pain from even slight harshness [10]. This duty extends even to wealthy individuals and those of high status, like a king's widow, highlighting a broad responsibility for the well-being of family members, especially those in distress [10].
In the early Christian tradition, figures like Augustine experienced and reflected on the complexities of relationships, including those that might involve distance or separation. Augustine himself felt he might appear "hard-hearted" for not sending a deacon, his "own brother," to another bishop, indicating the tension between personal relationships and ecclesiastical duties [6]. Paulinus and Therasia expressed deep affection for Augustine despite physical absence, valuing "familiar brotherly exchange of letters" as a means of connection [14]. This suggests that while physical distance might occur, efforts to maintain spiritual and emotional closeness were valued.
The concept of "nearness of kin" also appears in legal and social contexts, such as in the Book of Ruth, where Boaz acknowledges, "Neither do I deny myself to be near of kin, but there is another nearer than I" [2]. This highlights the structured nature of familial obligations and proximity in ancient societies. The interpretation of Levitical laws regarding marriage, as discussed by Charles Hodge, further illustrates the intricate understanding of familial degrees and prohibitions, some of which were considered "abominable" while others merely "unseemly" [9, 11]. Aquinas also notes that the degrees of consanguinity that impede marriage have varied historically, adapting to societal needs like the propagation of the human race [13].
Sources
- Psalms “Psalms 69:8 (BBE) — I have become strange to my brothers, and like a man from a far country to my mother's children.”
- Ruth “Ruth 3:12 (DRC) — Neither do I deny myself to be near of kin, but there is another nearer than I.”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 16:28 (YLT) — A froward man sendeth forth contention, A tale-bearer is separating a familiar friend.”
- Psalms “Psalms 38:11 (LEB) — My friends and companions stand aloof from my affliction, and my relatives stand afar off.”
- Job “Job 19:13 (Rotherham) — My Brethren—from beside me, hath he moved far away, and, mine acquaintance, are wholly estranged from me;”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — LETTER LXXXIV. (part 1): (A.D. 405.) TO MX? LORD NOVATUS, MOST BLESSED, MY BROTHER AND PARTNER IN THE PRIESTLY OFFICE, ESTEEMED AND LONGED FOR, AND TO THE BRETHREN WHO ARE WITH HIM, AUGUSTIN AND THE BRETHREN WITH HIM SEND GREETING IN THE LORD. t. I myself feel how hard-hearted I must appear to you, and I can scarcely excuse to myself my conduct in not consenting to send to your Holiness my son the deacon Lucillus, your own brother. But when your own time comes to surrender to the claims of Churches in remote places some of those whom you have edu”
- Sefaria (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Rashi (Rabbi Shlomo Yitzchaki) on Proverbs 27:10: than a distant brother It is better that the One Who is near to those who call Him dwell among you than that you should come to your brother who distanced himself by saying (Gen. 27:41): “When the days of mourning for my father are at hand, etc.””
- Mishnah (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishnah, Mishnah Eduyot 8:7: Rabbi Joshua said: I have received a tradition from Rabban Yohanan ben Zakkai, who heard it from his teacher, and his teacher [heard it] from his teacher, as a halakhah [given] to Moses from Sinai, that Elijah will not come to pronounce unclean or to pronounce clean, to put away or to bring near, but to put away those brought near by force and to bring near those put away by force. The family of Beth Tzriphah was on the other side of the Jordan and Ben Zion put it away by force; and yet another family was there, and Ben Zion brought it near by force. It is such as ”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: are included within “the degrees” specified, the Church has considered them as belonging to the class of prohibited marriages. It is, however, to be considered that the word “prohibited,” as here used, is very comprehensive. Some of the marriages specified in the Levitical law are prohibited in very different senses. Some are pronounced abominable, and those who contract them are made punishable with death. Others are pronounced unseemly, or evil, and punished by exclusion from the privileges of the theocracy. Others again incur the penal”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Human Dispositions 6:10: A person is obligated to show great care for orphans and widows because their spirits are very low and their feelings are depressed. 1 These people tend to be oversensitive and the smallest harshness or slight might cause them pain and thus, constitute a transgression of the prohibition mentioned below. This applies even if they are wealthy. We are commanded to [show this attention] even to a king's widow and his orphans 2 In addition to the possibility of financial difficulties which are often experienced by widows and orph”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: are condemned for their violation; and that the New Testament refers to them as still in force: and which heathen nations under the guidance of natural conscience have enacted. How is the Levitical Law to be interpreted? Admitting the Levitical law of marriage to be still in force, the next question is, How is it to be interpreted? Is it to be understood as specifying the degrees of relation, whether of consanguinity or of affinity, within which intermarriage is forbidden? or, is it to be viewed as an enumeration of particular cases, so t”
- Job (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Job 19:12: He hath put my brethren far from me,.... As it is one part of business in war to cut off all communication between the enemy and their confederates and auxiliaries, and to hinder them of all the help and assistance from them they can; so Job here represents God dealing with him as with an enemy, and therefore keeps at a distance from him all such from whom he might expect comfort and succour, as particularly his brethren; by whom may be meant such who in a natural relation are strictly and properly brethren; for such Job had, as appears from Job 42:11; who afterwards pa”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Supplement (Supplementum), Of the Impediment of Consanguinity, Art. 4: Article: Whether the degrees of consanguinity that are an impediment to marriage could be fixed by the Church? I answer that, The degrees within which consanguinity has been an impediment to marriage have varied according to various times. For at the beginning of the human race father and mother alone were debarred from marrying their children, because then mankind were few in number, and then it was necessary for the propagation of the human race to be ensured with very great care, and consequent”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — TO AUGUSTIN, OUR LORD AND HOLY AND BELOVED BROTHER, PAULINUS AND THERASIA, SINNERS, (part 1): SEND GREETING. I. My beloved brother in Christ the Lord, having through your holy and pious works come to know you without your knowledge, and to see you though absent long ago, my mind embraced you with unreserved affection, and I hastened to secure the gratification of hearing you through familiar brotherly exchange of letters. I believe also that by the Lord's hand and favour my letter has reached you; but as the youth whom, before winter, we had sent”