Dealing With Unrepentant Spousal Anger And Blame
Understanding Unrepentant Spousal Anger and Blame
Unrepentant spousal anger and blame can be a significant challenge in marriages, testing the bonds of love and commitment. The biblical understanding of anger is crucial in addressing this issue. Anger, in itself, is not necessarily sinful; it becomes so when it is causeless, excessive, or protracted [3]. The emotion of anger is a natural susceptibility of human nature, similar to love.
The Bible acknowledges that anger can be a response to evil or wrongdoing. In Ephesians 4:26, believers are cautioned to "be ye angry, and sin not" [8]. This indicates that while anger is not inherently wrong, it can become sinful if not managed properly. The key is to ensure that anger does not lead to sin.
In the context of marriage, unrepentant anger and blame can be particularly damaging. The early Christian writers recognized the potential for marital discord and offered guidance on managing anger within the marital relationship. For instance, Lactantius advised curbing a contentious spirit, especially towards one's husband, to avoid causing scandal or blasphemy [9].
The Catholic tradition, as represented by Thomas Aquinas, views anger as a complex emotion that can be both virtuous and vicious. Aquinas notes that anger can be a simple movement of the will, aimed at inflicting punishment based on a judgment of reason, and in this sense, a lack of anger can be sinful [4]. However, when anger is driven by passion rather than reason, it can become problematic.
In dealing with unrepentant spousal anger and blame, understanding the causes and consequences of anger is essential. According to Aquinas, a person's defect or littleness can provoke anger, especially if it is perceived as unmerited contempt [5]. This insight suggests that addressing the underlying issues and perceptions can be crucial in managing anger within a marital relationship.
The Reformed tradition, as seen in John Calvin's writings, emphasizes the importance of mildness and mercy in dealing with others, including one's spouse. Calvin notes that even in the face of adversity, believers can find comfort in God's sovereignty, as seen in the story of Joseph [6].
In Jewish tradition, the Babylonian Talmud discusses the complexities of marital relationships, including situations where a spouse may be afflicted with certain conditions or behaviors that could lead to marital discord. The Talmud suggests that in some cases, it may be necessary to intervene to prevent harm or ensure the well-being of the spouse [7].
Ultimately, dealing with unrepentant spousal anger and blame requires a nuanced understanding of anger, its causes, and its consequences. By drawing on biblical teachings, as well as insights from various Christian traditions and Jewish thought, individuals can develop strategies for managing anger and fostering healthier marital relationships.
The biblical concept of God's anger towards sin and sinners provides a backdrop for understanding human anger. God's anger is not capricious but is a response to evil and wrongdoing, as seen in passages like Ezekiel 7:8 and Jeremiah 15:8 [1, 2]. This understanding can inform human responses to anger, encouraging a balanced approach that acknowledges the legitimacy of anger in certain contexts while cautioning against its destructive potential.
Sources
- Ezekiel “Now will I shortly pour out my wrath on you, and accomplish my anger against you, and will judge you according to your ways; and I will bring on you all your abominations. -- Ezekiel 7:8”
- Jeremiah “Jeremiah 15:8 (BBE) — I have let their widows be increased in number more than the sand of the seas: I have sent against them, against the mother and the young men, one who makes waste in the heat of the day, causing pain and fears to come on her suddenly.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Anger — The emotion of instant displeasure on account of something evil that presents itself to our view. In itself it is an original susceptibility of our nature, just as love is, and is not necessarily sinful. It may, however, become sinful when causeless, or excessive, or protracted (Matt. 5:22; Eph. 4:26; Col. 3:8). As ascribed to God, it merely denotes his displeasure with sin and with sinners (Ps. 7:11).”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of Anger, Art. 8: Article: Whether there is a vice opposed to anger resulting from lack of anger? I answer that, Anger may be understood in two ways. In one way, as a simple movement of the will, whereby one inflicts punishment, not through passion, but in virtue of a judgment of the reason: and thus without doubt lack of anger is a sin. This is the sense in which anger is taken in the saying of Chrysostom, for he says (Hom. xi in Matth., in the Opus Imperfectum, falsely ascribed to St. John Chrysostom): "Anger, when”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, First Part of the Second Part (Prima Secundae), Of the Cause That Provokes Anger, and of the Remedies of Anger, Art. 4: Article: Whether a person's defect is a reason for being more easily angry with him? I answer that, As stated above (Articles [2],3) unmerited contempt more than anything else is a provocative of anger. Consequently deficiency or littleness in the person with whom we are angry, tends to increase our anger, in so far as it adds to the unmeritedness of being despised. For just as the higher a man's position is, the more undeservedly he is despised; so”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 33: to mildness and mercy, that he even voluntarily comforts his brethren, telling them, “Be not grieved nor angry with yourselves that ye sold me hither; for God did send me before you to preserve life.” “As for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good,” ( Gen. 45:5 ; 50:20). Had Job turned to the Chaldees, by whom he was plundered, he should instantly have been fired with revenge, but recognising the work of the Lord, he solaces himself with this most beautiful sentiment: “The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Ketubot 77b.1: but there, with regard to the blemishes specified in the mishna, if she says: I want to be with him, we leave her alone with him and do not force a divorce, whereas here, in the case of a woman who has not given birth, even though she says: I want to be with him, we do not leave her alone, as her husband is neglecting the mitzva to be fruitful and multiply. The Gemara raises a difficulty: But there is the case of a husband afflicted with boils, where even though she says: I want to be with him, we do not leave her alone with him. As we learned in the mishna: A”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 4:26: Be ye angry, and sin not--So the Septuagint, Psa 4:4. Should circumstances arise to call for anger on your part, let it be as Christ's "anger" (Mar 3:5), without sin. Our natural feelings are not wrong when directed to their legitimate object, and when not exceeding due bounds. As in the future literal, so in the present spiritual, resurrection, no essential constituent is annihilated, but all that is a perversion of the original design is removed. Thus indignation at dishonor done to God, and wrong to man, is justifiable anger. Passion is sinful (d”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 7: Lactantius, Venantius, Asterius, Victorinus, Dionysius — CONCERNING A CONTENTIOUS AND BRAWLING WOMAN.: X. But as to a spirit of contention, be sure to curb it as to all men, but principally as to thine husband; lest, if he be an unbeliever or an heathen, he may have an occasion of scandal or of blaspheming God, and thou be partaker of a woe from God. For, says He, "Woe to him by whom My name is blasphemed among the Gentiles;"(7) and lest, if thy husband be a Christian, he be forced, from his knowledge of the Scriptures, to say that which is written in the book of Wisdom: "It is bett”