Dealing with Verbal Abuse from a Narcissistic Personality
Dealing with verbal abuse from a narcissistic personality requires a thoughtful and biblically grounded approach. The Bible provides guidance on responding to abusive speech, emphasizing the importance of gentle and wise communication. Proverbs 15:1 advises that "a gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger" [2]. This principle is echoed in the writings of John Chrysostom, who notes that loud speaking can fuel passion and that binding one's wrath is essential to subduing its destructive power [8].
In the context of verbal abuse, maintaining a calm demeanor is crucial. According to Matthew Henry, patience and mildness are key virtues in dealing with others, particularly those who may be prone to anger or abusive behavior. He suggests that waiting for a more opportune moment to address issues and speaking softly can help to de-escalate tensions [7]. This approach is supported by Proverbs 25:15, which recommends patience and gentle speech in persuading others [7].
The Bible also warns against engaging with abusive speech. Colossians 3:8 instructs believers to put aside "abusive speech from your mouth," indicating the importance of controlling one's own tongue [1]. Furthermore, Proverbs 15:4 notes that a "perverseness" in speech can cause a "breach in the spirit," highlighting the potential harm caused by unkind words [3]. In this context, John Chrysostom's advice to remain silent in the face of insult can be seen as a means of avoiding escalation and promoting healing [6].
When dealing with a narcissistic personality, it is essential to recognize that their behavior is often driven by underlying insecurities. According to Tyndale House, jealousy and anger can be particularly challenging to resolve, but a gentle answer can help to counteract these emotions [4]. In this sense, the biblical principle of responding with gentleness and patience can be seen as a means of addressing the underlying issues driving the abusive behavior.
The early church fathers also provide guidance on responding to abusive speech. John Chrysostom notes that the way we respond to insults is often more a reflection of our own character than the person insulting us. He suggests that we are more likely to be moved by insults from those we consider equals or inferiors, rather than from friends, madmen, or superiors, whom we tend to tolerate more easily [5]. This insight highlights the importance of self-awareness and self-control in responding to verbal abuse.
Sources
- Colossians “Colossians 3:8 (NASB) — But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 15:1 (NASB) — A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.”
- Proverbs (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Proverbs 15:4: A wholesome tongue--(Compare Margin), pacifying and soothing language. tree of life-- (Pro 3:18; Pro 11:30). perverseness therein--cross, ill-natured language. breach . . . spirit--(compare Isa 65:14, Hebrew), grieves, instead of appeasing.”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 27:4: 27:4 Anger can be dangerous but can be countered with a gentle answer (15:1). Jealousy is harder to resolve (6:34-35).”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Acts & Romans: infirmity (that he behaves as he does): endure it. And as for us—it is not so much from the insults as they are in themselves that we are moved, as from our own selves: else how is it that when madmen offer us the same insults, we bear it? Again, if those who insult us be our friends, in that case too we bear it: or also our superiors, in that case also we bear it: how then is it not absurd, that in the case of these three, friends, madmen, and superiors, we bear it, but where they are of the same rank or our inferiors, we do not bear it? I have ofte”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on 1 & 2 Corinthians: For that effect one produces not so well by reproach as by silence. Ver. 14 . [3.] Then since he saw that the blow could not well be borne, he speedily heals it; saying, “I write not these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my beloved children.” “For not as abashing you,” saith he, “do I speak these things.” The very thing which by his words he had done, this he says he had not done: rather he allows that he had done it, not however with an evil and spiteful mind. Why, this mode of soothing is the very best, if we should say what we have”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 25:15: Two things are here recommended to us, in dealing with others, as likely means to gain our point: - 1. Patience, to bear a present heat without being put into a heat by it, and to wait for a fit opportunity to offer our reasons and to give persons time to consider them. By this means even a prince may be persuaded to do a thing which he seemed very averse to, much more a common person. That which is justice and reason now will be so another time, and therefore we need not urge them with violence now, but wait for a more convenient season. 2. Mildness, to speak ”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on John & Hebrews: speaking 692 692 lit. “shouting.” for loud speaking is the fuel of passion. Let us then bind 693 693 lit. “tie the feet of.” the horse, that we may subdue the rider; let us clip the wings of our wrath, so the evil shall no more rise to a height. A keen passion is anger, keen, and skillful to steal our souls; therefore we must on all sides guard against its entrance. It were strange that we should be able to tame wild beasts, and yet should neglect our own savage minds. Wrath is a fierce fire, it devours all things; it harms the body, it destroys the”