Demanding or Selfishly Withholding Sex in Marriage
Demanding or Selfishly Withholding Sex in Marriage
The New Testament addresses marital sexual relations most directly in 1 Corinthians 7, where Paul instructs married believers about their mutual obligations. one tradition writes that "the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband" (1 Cor 7:3), establishing sexual intimacy as a reciprocal duty rather than a unilateral privilege [6]. This teaching emerged in a context where some Corinthian Christians, influenced by ascetic tendencies, were questioning whether married couples should abstain from sexual relations altogether [11].
Mutual Authority Over the Body
Paul grounds his instruction in a striking claim about bodily authority: "The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does" (1 Cor 7:4). John Gill's commentary explains this mutual authority as meaning that neither spouse may "withhold due benevolence, or the conjugal debt" from the other, nor may either "abuse it by self-pollution, fornication, adultery, sodomy, or any acts of uncleanness" [7]. The language of authority here is reciprocal and limiting—each spouse's body belongs to the other, which simultaneously creates obligation and constraint.
This reciprocity stands in tension with ancient Near Eastern marriage structures, where husbands typically held unilateral authority. Numbers 30:13 reflects this older framework, stating that a husband "may confirm or nullify any vow or any sworn pledge to deny herself" [1]. The Pauline teaching, by contrast, places husband and wife on equal footing regarding sexual access and obligation.
Withholding as Defrauding
Paul uses economic language to describe sexual refusal: "Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time" (1 Cor 7:5). The Greek term translated "deprive" or "defraud" appears in the Septuagint of Exodus 21:10, which addresses a husband's obligation not to diminish his wife's "marriage duty" [8]. Gill notes that withholding sexual intimacy constitutes "a piece of injustice" because "both have a right to, and therefore, if either party is denied, it is properly a defrauding" [8]. The language of fraud implies that sexual access in marriage is not a favor granted but a debt owed.
The only legitimate exception Paul allows is temporary abstention "by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer" (1 Cor 7:5). Even this exception requires mutual consent, a defined duration, and a spiritual purpose. The instruction assumes that prolonged abstinence creates vulnerability to temptation, which is why Paul adds, "but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control" [8].
The Purpose of Marital Sexuality
The broader biblical framework treats sexual intimacy as integral to marriage's design. Genesis 2:24 establishes that a man "shall hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh," a union that includes but transcends procreation. Proverbs 5:15-18 uses the metaphor of drinking from one's own cistern to encourage a man to "rejoice in the wife of your youth" and find satisfaction in marital sexuality rather than seeking it elsewhere [10]. This positive vision of marital sexuality as a source of joy and mutual satisfaction stands alongside the prohibitions against adultery.
Paul himself acknowledges that marriage serves "to avoid fornication" (1 Cor 7:2), recognizing that sexual desire is a legitimate human need that finds its proper expression within marriage [5]. The Tyndale commentary observes that "sexual intimacy is a mutual right for both spouses in a marriage and must not be withheld," though it adds the crucial qualifier that "such authority is clearly not to be abused" [6]. This qualifier addresses the potential for coercion implicit in language about rights and obligations.
Demanding Versus Defrauding
The tension in Paul's teaching lies in balancing two principles: the mutual obligation to provide sexual intimacy and the prohibition against abusing one's authority over the spouse's body. Demanding sex in a way that disregards the spouse's well-being or circumstances would constitute abuse of the authority granted in 1 Corinthians 7:4. Yet persistently withholding sex without mutual agreement constitutes the "defrauding" Paul explicitly condemns in 7:5.
The text does not provide casuistic rules for every scenario but establishes a framework of mutual consideration. The instruction that married Christians "must always be considerate of the sexual needs of their spouses" [6] implies that both demanding and withholding can become selfish when they ignore the other's legitimate needs and circumstances. The call to mutual authority assumes good-faith negotiation rather than unilateral assertion of rights.
Celibacy and Marriage
Paul's preference for celibacy, expressed in 1 Corinthians 7:7-8, does not diminish his insistence on sexual obligation within marriage. He wishes that all possessed his gift of continence [11], and he recommends celibate life for those "in firm control of their sexual desires" [9]. However, he explicitly states that marriage is "no sin" (1 Cor 7:28) and that it is "better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Cor 7:9). The honor due to marriage, affirmed in Hebrews 13:4, includes the integrity of its sexual dimension [12].
The Mosaic law's provisions regarding adultery—defined as "illicit intercourse with a married or a betrothed woman" [2]—underscore the exclusivity of the marital sexual bond. Jesus' teaching in Matthew 5:32 and 19:9 reinforces this exclusivity by limiting legitimate grounds for divorce to sexual immorality [3, 4]. The seriousness with which Scripture treats violations of marital fidelity implies the corresponding importance of maintaining sexual intimacy within marriage.
Historical and Pastoral Context
The early church's struggle with ascetic impulses, visible in the Corinthian correspondence, required Paul to affirm the goodness of marital sexuality against those who viewed all sexual activity as spiritually suspect. His instruction that abstinence requires mutual agreement and must be temporary reflects pastoral realism about human sexuality and the dangers of prolonged deprivation. The language of mutual authority and mutual debt creates a framework where neither spouse can claim absolute autonomy or absolute control, but both must navigate their shared life with attention to the other's needs and the marriage's spiritual health.
Sources
- Numbers “Numbers 30:13 (BBE) — Every oath, and every undertaking which she gives, to keep herself from pleasure, may be supported or broken by her husband.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Adultery — Conjugal infidelity. An adulterer was a man who had illicit intercourse with a married or a betrothed woman, and such a woman was an adulteress. Intercourse between a married man and an unmarried woman was fornication. Adultery was regarded as a great social wrong, as well as a great sin. The Mosaic law (Num. 5:11-31) prescribed that the suspected wife should be tried by the ordeal of the "water of jealousy." There is, however, no recorded instance of the application of this law. In subsequent times the Rabbis made various regulations with the view of disc”
- King James Version “[KJV] Matthew 5:32 — But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery.”
- King James Version “[KJV] Matthew 19:9 — And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.”
- Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Marriage — Divinely instituted -- Ge 2:24. A covenant relationship -- Mal 2:4. Designed for The happiness of man. -- Ge 2:18. Increasing the human population. -- Ge 1:28; 9:1. Raising up godly seed. -- Mal 2:15. Preventing fornication. -- 1Co 7:2. The expectation of the promised seed of the woman an incentive to, in the early age -- Ge 3:15; 4:1. Lawful in all -- 1Co 7:2,28; 1Ti 5:14. Honourable for all -- Heb 13:4. Should be only in the Lord -- 1Co 7:39. Expressed by Joining together. -- Mt 19:6. Making affinity. -- 1Ki 3:1. Taking to wife. -- Ex 2:1. Giving daughte”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:3: 7:3-4 Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, married Christians must always be considerate of the sexual needs of their spouses. Sexual intimacy is a mutual right for both spouses in a marriage and must not be withheld. Marriage includes yielding the authority over one’s body to one’s spouse, though such authority is clearly not to be abused.”
- 1 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Corinthians 7:4: The wife hath not power of her own body,.... To refrain the use of it from her husband; or to prostitute it to another man: but the husband; he has the sole power over it, and may require when he pleases the use of it: and likewise also the husband has not power over his own body: to withhold due benevolence, or the conjugal debt from his wife; or abuse it by self-pollution, fornication, adultery, sodomy, or any acts of uncleanness: but the wife; she only has a power over it, a right to it, and may claim the use of it: this power over each other's bodies is ”
- 1 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Corinthians 7:5: Defraud ye not one the other,.... By withholding due benevolence, denying the use of the marriage bed, refusing to pay the conjugal debt, and which is called a "diminishing of her marriage duty", Exo 21:10 where the Septuagint use the same word "defraud", as the apostle does here; it is what both have a right to, and therefore, if either party is denied, it is a piece of injustice, it is properly a defrauding; though with proper conditions, such as follow, it may be lawful for married persons to lie apart, and abstain from the use of the bed, but then it should ”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:36: 7:36-38 Paul recommends celibate life in preference to marriage, but he allows for marriage if a person’s sexual desires prove too much of a temptation. Those in firm control of their sexual desires are encouraged to choose the celibate life.”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 5:15: 5:15-18 To drink from one’s own well (see also Song 4:12, 15) is to enjoy sexual relations within marriage. Rather than expend sexual energy on immoral women, a man should cultivate a healthy sexual relationship with his wife. Sex is not to be shared with strangers. This honors marriage (Gen 2:22-25) and keeps the seventh commandment (Exod 20:14 and Deut 5:18).”
- 1 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Corinthians 7:7: For I would that all men were even as I myself,.... The apostle speaks not of his state and condition, as married or unmarried, for it is not certain which he was; some think he had a wife, others not: it looks, however, as if he had not at this time, as appears from Co1 7:8 but be it which it will, it can hardly be thought he should wish all men to be in either state, either all married, or all unmarried; but he speaks of the gift of continency, which he had, as the following words show; and this he desires for all men, that they might not be in any danger from”
- Hebrews (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Hebrews 13:4: 13:4 Give honor to marriage means to protect it and hold it as highly valuable. • Immoral refers to all sexually illicit behavior. • Adultery breaks the marriage vow by engaging in sexual activity outside the marriage relationship.”