Distinguishing Between Seeking Guidance and Validation in Relationships
Seeking guidance in relationships involves a desire for wisdom and understanding, often rooted in a pursuit of godly principles, whereas seeking validation can stem from a desire for affirmation or self-justification. The book of Proverbs frequently emphasizes the value of seeking wisdom, stating that it is more desirable than gold or silver [2]. This pursuit of wisdom is linked to obtaining God's guidance and avoiding harmful influences [7].
Biblical wisdom literature encourages individuals to seek understanding and instruction. Proverbs 18:1, for instance, can be interpreted as a man, through desire, separating himself to seek and intermeddle with all wisdom [3]. Some interpretations of this verse suggest a rebuke against affected singularity, where individuals might contradict established sentiments to advance their own notions, driven by a desire for vain-glory [10]. This highlights a potential pitfall: what appears to be a search for wisdom could, in some cases, be a self-serving quest for recognition or to assert one's own perspective.
Guidance, particularly in a Christian context, is often sought in matters of love and conduct. The Apostle John, in his epistles, frequently emphasizes the "new commandment" of love, which, while old in its essence, is presented with greater clarity in the Gospel as an imitation of God's love for humanity [4]. This love is not merely an emotion but a principle that performs the law [4]. When believers walk in the confidence of this love, their hearts do not condemn them, leading to confidence toward God and answered prayers [5]. This suggests that seeking guidance in love involves aligning one's actions and heart with divine principles, rather than merely seeking approval from others.
The concept of love is further elaborated as something that can be confirmed and expressed in a kind and tender manner, as seen in Paul's exhortation to the Corinthians regarding a repentant brother [6]. This confirmation of love is meant to be a joint act of the church, reflecting genuine reconciliation and acceptance [6]. In Philippians, Paul prays for the believers' love to abound in knowledge and perception, guarding it from being "ill-judged" [9]. This implies that true love, guided by wisdom, is discerning and not merely an emotional impulse or a desire for external affirmation.
In contrast, seeking validation can manifest in ways that undermine healthy relationships. For example, Proverbs 17:9 states that "whoso is covering transgression is seeking love, And whoso is repeating a matter Is separating a familiar friend" [1]. This verse suggests that covering up faults to maintain a relationship, or conversely, repeatedly bringing up past offenses, can both be detrimental. The former might be a form of seeking validation by avoiding conflict, while the latter can be a way of asserting one's own righteousness or seeking to justify one's anger.
A lack of brotherly love or wisdom can lead to disputes, as observed by John Gill on 1 Corinthians 6:7, where he notes a "defect" among the Corinthians because they were going to law with one another [8]. This indicates that when individuals prioritize their own perceived rights or seek to justify themselves through legal means, it can be a sign of a deeper issue than merely seeking resolution; it may reflect a desire for vindication rather than genuine reconciliation guided by love and wisdom. The pursuit of wisdom, therefore, is crucial for discerning the difference between a genuine desire for guidance and a self-serving quest for validation.
Sources
- Proverbs “Proverbs 17:9 (YLT) — Whoso is covering transgression is seeking love, And whoso is repeating a matter Is separating a familiar friend.”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 16:16 (Geneva1599) — Howe much better is it to get wisedome then golde? and to get vnderstanding, is more to be desired then siluer.”
- King James Version “[KJV] Proverbs 18:1 — Through desire a man, having separated himself, seeketh and intermeddleth with all wisdom.”
- 2 John (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 2 John 1:5: I beseech--rather (compare Note, see on Jo1 5:16), "I request thee," implying some degree of authority. not . . . new commandment--It was old in that Christians heard it from the first in the Gospel preaching; new, in that the Gospel rested love on the new principle of filial imitation of God who first loved us, and gave Jesus to die for us; and also, in that love is now set forth with greater clearness than in the Old Testament dispensation. Love performs both tables of the law, and is the end of the law and the Gospel alike (compare Notes, see on Jo”
- 1 John (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 John 3:21: Beloved--There is no "But" contrasting the two cases, Jo1 3:20-21, because "Beloved" sufficiently marks the transition to the case of the brethren walking in the full confidence of love (Jo1 3:18). The two results of our being able to "assure our hearts before Him" (Jo1 3:19), and of "our heart condemning us not" (of insincerity as to the truth in general, and as to LOVE in particular) are, (1) confidence toward God; (2) a sure answer to our prayers. John does not mean that all whose hearts do not condemn them, are therefore safe before God; for some h”
- 2 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 2 Corinthians 2:8: Wherefore I beseech you,.... Or exhort you: that ye would confirm your love towards him: express your love to him in the most kind and tender manner, show the same, and as strong love to him as you did before, and as if he had never offended; receive him as a brother in the most affectionate manner, and embrace him with the most endearing expressions of respect and friendship; and let your reception of him in this kind and friendly way be with the full consent, and by the joint vote and suffrage of the whole church, for so the word translated "confirm" signifi”
- Proverbs (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Proverbs 2 (introduction): Men are invited to seek wisdom because it teaches those principles by which they may obtain God's guidance and avoid the society and influence of the wicked, whose pernicious courses are described. (Pro. 2:1-22) Diligence in hearing and praying for instruction must be used to secure the great principle of godliness, the fear of God. hide . . . with thee--lay up in store (compare Pro 7:1).”
- 1 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Corinthians 6:7: Now therefore there is utterly a fault among you,.... Or a "defect": a want of brotherly love, or there would be no occasion to go to law at all; a want of wisdom and conduct, or proper persons would be pitched upon, and chosen out from among themselves to be arbitrators and judge between them; and a want of care among their leaders, who else would have pointed out to them such a method of accommodation, and not have suffered them to go the lengths they did: because ye go to law one with another; which would never be, was there not a declension among you, a de”
- Philippians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Philippians 1:9: The subject of his prayer for them (Phi 1:4). your love--to Christ, producing love not only to Paul, Christ's minister, as it did, but also to one another, which it did not altogether as much as it ought (Phi 2:2; Phi 4:2). knowledge--of doctrinal and practical truth. judgment--rather, "perception"; "perceptive sense." Spiritual perceptiveness: spiritual sight, spiritual hearing, spiritual feeling, spiritual taste. Christianity is a vigorous plant, not the hotbed growth of enthusiasm. "Knowledge" and "perception" guard love from being ill-jud”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 18 (introduction): The original here is difficult, and differently understood. 1. Some take it as a rebuke to an affected singularity. When men take a pride in separating themselves from the sentiments and society of others, in contradicting all that has been said before them and advancing new notions of their own, which, though ever so absurd, they are wedded to, it is to gratify a desire or lust of vain-glory, and they are seekers and meddlers with that which does not belong to them. He seeks according to his desire, and intermeddles with every business, pretends to”