Distress Caused by Selfishness in Marriage and Relationships
Selfishness is identified in biblical texts as a root cause of distress and conflict within relationships, particularly marriage. The Apostle James directly links selfish ambition to confusion and "every evil deed" [1]. He further asks, "What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you?" [2]. This suggests that internal, self-centered desires are the origin of external relational strife.
In the context of marriage, this self-centeredness can manifest in various destructive ways. The book of Proverbs frequently warns against the distress caused by a contentious spouse. Matthew Henry, commenting on Proverbs 21:9 and 21:19, describes a "brawling scolding woman" as a significant affliction, noting that such a person "breaks out into a passion" and makes a man's life uneasy [3, 4]. He emphasizes that while a wife is meant to be a "comfort and a meet help," unbridled passions can "embitter and spoil the comfort of all relations" [3]. The absence of peace and love, even between those who are "one flesh," means they have "no joy of their union" [3]. Henry even suggests that it is "better to have no company than bad company" in such situations, implying that the distress caused by a selfish, quarrelsome partner can be worse than solitude [3].
The academic commentary on Philippians reinforces this idea, stating that "self-centeredness is antithetical to genuine care for others" [5, 6]. This perspective highlights how a focus on one's own desires inherently undermines the sacrificial love and consideration necessary for healthy relationships [9]. Complaining and arguing, often symptoms of underlying selfishness, are seen as arising from this self-centeredness, contrasting sharply with the call for believers to practice sacrificial love [9].
Historical examples within the biblical narrative also illustrate the distress caused by selfishness. The account of Hannah and Peninnah in 1 Samuel 1:6 shows how Peninnah's provocation of Hannah, driven by jealousy over Elkanah's affection, created significant domestic strife [7]. This situation is presented as a common outcome of polygamous households, where jealousy and competition for affection lead to "domestic broils" [7].
The creation narrative in Genesis provides a foundational understanding of marriage as a union where companionship and mutual help are central. God declares, "it is not good for the man to be alone," indicating a need for a partner who can fulfill emotional and relational needs [10]. When selfishness enters this dynamic, it disrupts the intended harmony and mutual support. Proverbs 16:27-29 broadly states that "scoundrels, a troublemaker, and violent people all disrupt relationships, creating trouble with their harmful actions," which can be understood as behaviors stemming from self-serving motives [8].
Sources
- James “For where jealousy and selfish ambition are, there is confusion and every evil deed. -- James 3:16”
- James “James 4:1 (BSB) — What causes conflicts and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from the passions at war within you?”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:19: Note, 1. Unbridled passions embitter and spoil the comfort of all relations. A peevish angry wife makes her husband's life uneasy, to whom she should be a comfort and a meet help. Those cannot dwell in peace and happiness that cannot dwell in peace and love. Even those that are one flesh, if they be not withal one spirit, have no joy of their union. 2. It is better to have no company than bad company. The wife of thy covenant is thy companion, and yet, if she be peevish and provoking, it is better to dwell in a solitary wilderness, exposed to wind and weather, ”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:9: See here, 1. What a great affliction it is to a man to have a brawling scolding woman for his wife, who upon every occasion, and often upon no occasion, breaks out into a passion, and chides either him or those about her, is fretful to herself and furious to her children and servants, and, in both, vexatious to her husband. If a man has a wide house, spacious and pompous, this will embitter the comfort of it to him - a house of society (so the word is), in which a man may be sociable, and entertain his friends; this will make both him and his house unsociable, a”
- Philippians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Philippians 2:3: 2:3-4 Don’t be selfish: Self-centeredness is antithetical to genuine care for others (cp. 2:20-21; 1 Cor 10:24; Gal 5:26).”
- Phil (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Phil 2:3: 2:3-4 Don’t be selfish: Self-centeredness is antithetical to genuine care for others (cp. 2:20-21; 1 Cor 10:24; Gal 5:26).”
- 1 Samuel (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Samuel 1:6: her adversary also provoked her sore--The conduct of Peninnah was most unbecoming. But domestic broils in the houses of polygamists are of frequent occurrence, and the most fruitful cause of them has always been jealousy of the husband's superior affection, as in this case of Hannah.”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 16:27: 16:27-29 Scoundrels, a troublemaker, and violent people all disrupt relationships, creating trouble with their harmful actions.”
- Philippians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Philippians 2:14: 2:14 Complaining and arguing arise from self-centeredness (see 1 Cor 10:10; 1 Pet 4:9; Jude 1:16), whereas believers are called to sacrificial love (Phil 2:4).”
- Genesis (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Genesis 2:18: THE MAKING OF WOMAN, AND INSTITUTION OF MARRIAGE. (Gen 2:18-25) it is not good for the man to be alone--In the midst of plenty and delights, he was conscious of feelings he could not gratify. To make him sensible of his wants,”