Emotional Unavailability in Christian Relationships and Marriage
Emotional unavailability, while not a term explicitly defined in classical Christian theology, can be understood through the lens of biblical teachings on marriage and human relationships. Christian thought emphasizes the profound unity and mutual obligation inherent in the marital bond, which necessitates emotional engagement and care.
The Bible presents marriage as a sacred institution, symbolizing the relationship between Christ and the Church [4, 5]. This spiritual analogy underscores the depth of commitment and love expected within marriage. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, even to the point of self-sacrifice [6]. This kind of love implies a deep emotional connection and active care, not merely a contractual agreement. Similarly, wives are called to respect their husbands, fostering a relationship of mutual honor and support [9].
The concept of "community of life" between husband and wife is central to understanding Christian marriage [3]. This community extends beyond physical cohabitation to include shared experiences, feelings, and virtues. Charles Hodge notes that marriage calls into exercise "capacities, feelings, and virtues which are not otherwise or elsewhere called into exercise" [3]. This suggests that emotional openness and responsiveness are integral to the full development of individuals within marriage.
From a scholastic perspective, marriage is understood as a sacrament that perfects the natural tie between individuals, just as grace perfects nature [2, 10]. This perfection implies a deepening of the relationship on all levels, including the emotional. Augustine, for instance, speaks of loving "what is characteristic of a human being" in one's spouse, implying a love that embraces the whole person, including their emotional life [7].
Emotional unavailability can be seen as a failure to uphold the responsibilities of this "community of life." While human laws may not recognize "incompatibility of temper" as grounds for divorce, Christian theology emphasizes that the marriage bond requires active participation and recognition of the other spouse [8]. A spouse who is emotionally absent, though physically present, may be seen as failing to fulfill the relational obligations that are intrinsic to the marital covenant. The human nature of Christ, who experienced emotions such as weeping, hungering, and weariness, provides a model of full human engagement and empathy [1]. This divine example suggests that emotional expression and connection are not weaknesses but essential aspects of human experience and relational health.
Sources
- Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Human Nature of Christ, The — Was necessary to his mediatorial office -- 1Ti 2:5; Heb 2:17; Ga 4:4,5; 1Co 15:21; Ro 6:15,19. Is proved by his Conception in the Virgin's womb. -- Mt 1:18; Lu 1:31. Birth. -- Mt 1:16,25; 2:2; Lu 2:7,11. Partaking of flesh and blood. -- Joh 1:14; Heb 2:14. Having a human soul. -- Mt 26:38; Lu 23:46; Ac 2:31. Circumcision. -- Lu 2:21. Increase in wisdom and stature. -- Lu 2:52. Weeping. -- Lu 19:41; Joh 11:35. Hungering. -- Mt 4:2; 21:18. Thirsting. -- Joh 4:7; 19:28. Sleeping. -- Mt 8:24; Mr 4:38. Being subject to weariness. -- Joh 4:6. ”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Supplement (Supplementum), Of the Impediment of Spiritual Relationship, Art. 1: Article: Whether spiritual relationship is an impediment to marriage? I answer that, Just as by carnal procreation man receives natural being, so by the sacraments he receives the spiritual being of grace. Wherefore just as the tie that is contracted by carnal procreation is natural to man, inasmuch as he is a natural being, so the tie that is contracted from the reception of the sacraments is after a fashion natural to man, inasmuch as he is a member of the Church. Therefore as carnal re”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: to its full development in the present state of existence; that there are capacities, feelings, and virtues which are not otherwise or elsewhere called into exercise. All this may be true, but it is not the whole truth. (4.) There is, in a certain sense, a community of life between husband and wife. We are accustomed to say, and to say truly, that the life of parents is communicated to their children. Each nation and every historical family has a form of life by which it is distinguished. As, therefore, the 385 life of a father and the li”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 5:31: For--The propagation of the Church from Christ, as that of Eve from Adam, is the foundation of the spiritual marriage. The natural marriage, wherein "a man leaves father and mother (the oldest manuscripts omit 'his') and is joined unto his wife," is not the principal thing meant here, but the spiritual marriage represented by it, and on which it rests, whereby Christ left the Father's bosom to woo to Himself the Church out of a lost world: Eph 5:32 proves this: His earthly mother as such, also, He holds in secondary account as compared with His spir”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: prophets, apostles, confessors, and martyrs, have been married men. If marriage was not a degradation to them, surely it cannot be to monks and priests. The strongest proof of the sanctity of the marriage relation in the sight of God, is to be found in the fact that both in the Old and in the New Testaments, it is made the symbol of the relation between God and his people. “Thy Maker is thy husband,” are the words of God, and contain a world of truth, of grace, and of love. The departure of the people from God, is illustrated by a referen”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 5:25: "Thou hast seen the measure of obedience; now hear also the measure of love. Do you wish your wife to obey you, as the Church is to obey Christ? Then have a solicitude for her as Christ had for the Church (Eph 5:23, "Himself the Saviour of the body"); and "if it be necessary to give thy life for her, or to be cut in ten thousand pieces, or to endure any other suffering whatever, do not refuse it; and if you suffer thus, not even so do you do what Christ has done; for you indeed do so being already united to her, but He did so for one that treated Hi”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — CHAP. XV.--40. But it is rather that statement which the Lord Himself makes in another passage which is wont to disturb the minds of the little ones, who nevertheless earnestly desire to live now acco (part 2): the corruptible and mortal conjugal connection and sexual intercourse: i.e. to love in her what is characteristic of a human being, to hate what belongs to her as a wife. So also he loves his enemy, not in as far as he is an enemy, but in as far as he is a man; so that he wishes the same prosperity to come to him as to himself, viz. tha”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: Why does death dissolve a marriage? It is because it is a final separation. So is desertion. Incompatibility of temper, cruelty, disease, crime, insanity, etc., which human laws often make grounds of divorce, are not inconsistent with the marriage relation. A woman may have a disagreeable, a cruel, or a wicked husband, but a man in his grave, or one who refuses to recognize her as his wife, cannot be her husband. It is said, indeed, that this doctrine makes marriage depend on the option of the parties. Either may desert the other; and the”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 3: Augustine — On the Holy Trinity — ON THE GOOD OF MARRIAGE. (part 16): any vain fear. Husbands in like manner living at peace and in chastity with your wives, both give ye honor as to the weaker and subject vessel, as with co-heirs of grace, and see that your prayers be not hindered."(7) Is it indeed that such marriages have no thought of the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord? But they are very rare: who denies this? And, being, as they are, rare, nearly all the persons who are such, were not joined together in order to be such, but being already joined together became suc”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Supplement (Supplementum), Of Disparity of Worship As an Impediment to Marriage, Art. 3: Article: Whether the husband, being converted to the faith, may remain with his wife is she be unwilling to be converted? I answer that, The faith of a married person does not dissolve but perfects the marriage. Wherefore, since there is true marriage between unbelievers, as stated above (Article [2], ad 1), the marriage tie is not broken by the fact that one of them is converted to the faith, but sometimes while the marriage tie remains, the marriage is dissolved as to cohabitat”