Honouring an Oppressive Parent in Difficult Family Situations
The biblical command to "honor thy father and mother" is a fundamental principle in Christian ethics, grounded in the Decalogue (Exodus 20:12) [6]. This commandment is reiterated in Ephesians 6:2, where it is cited as the first commandment with a promise [3]. However, the application of this principle becomes complex in situations where parents are oppressive.
Biblical Foundations
The biblical text provides guidance on the treatment of vulnerable individuals, including the fatherless and widows. Isaiah 1:17 instructs readers to "defend the fatherless and plead the case of the widow" [1]. Similarly, Psalms 82:3 commands to "defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; uphold the rights of the afflicted and oppressed" [2]. These passages underscore God's concern for justice and protection of the vulnerable.
Understanding "Honour"
The concept of "honour" in the context of parent-child relationships involves reverence, obedience, and care. According to John Gill, honouring parents includes "loving, fearing, and reverencing them; submitting to their corrections; acknowledging offences against them; bearing with their tempers; and covering their infirmities" [3]. This understanding is echoed in Adam Clarke's commentary on Exodus 20:12, which notes that honouring parents involves "all necessary acts of kindness, filial respect, and obedience" [6].
Challenges in Difficult Family Situations
In situations where parents are oppressive, the duty to honour them can be challenging. The biblical text acknowledges that parents can be flawed and that their actions may provoke their children (Ephesians 6:4) [5]. The Jamieson-Fausset-Brown commentary on Ephesians 6:4 advises fathers not to "provoke not your children to wrath" but instead to bring them up in the "nurture and admonition of the Lord" [5]. This suggests that parents have a responsibility to act in a manner that promotes the well-being of their children.
Balancing Honour with Justice
The biblical tradition also emphasizes the importance of justice and the protection of the vulnerable. In cases where parents are oppressive, the principle of honouring them must be balanced against the need to protect oneself and others from harm. Matthew Henry's commentary on Proverbs 23:10 notes that God is the protector of the fatherless and will "plead their cause against those that do them any injury" [4]. This suggests that God's justice is a safeguard for those who are vulnerable or oppressed.
Historical and Theological Perspectives
Historically, Christian theologians have grappled with the complexities of honouring oppressive parents. The Puritan tradition, represented by Matthew Henry, emphasizes the importance of balancing filial duty with the need to protect oneself from harm [7]. The Reformed tradition, as seen in the commentary of John Gill, underscores the importance of honouring parents while also acknowledging the need for justice and protection of the vulnerable [3].
The command to honour parents remains a fundamental principle in Christian ethics, even in difficult family situations. While the biblical text provides guidance on the treatment of vulnerable individuals and the importance of justice, it also acknowledges the complexities of family relationships. By balancing the principle of honouring parents with the need to protect oneself and others from harm, Christians can navigate these challenging situations in a way that is faithful to their biblical and theological heritage.
In the context of oppressive parenting, the biblical principle of honouring parents is not a straightforward command to obey unjust or abusive behaviour. Rather, it involves a nuanced understanding of reverence, obedience, and care, balanced against the need for justice and protection. As the biblical text and Christian tradition demonstrate, this balance is crucial in navigating the complexities of family relationships.
Sources
- Isaiah “Isaiah 1:17 (BSB) — Learn to do right; seek justice and correct the oppressor. Defend the fatherless and plead the case of the widow.””
- Psalms “Psalms 82:3 (BSB) — Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; uphold the rights of the afflicted and oppressed.”
- Ephesians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Ephesians 6:2: Honour thy father and mother,.... This explains who parents are, and points at some branches of obedience due unto them; for they are not only to be loved, and to be feared, and reverenced, their corrections to be submitted to, offences against them to be acknowledged, their tempers to be bore with, and their infirmities covered; but they are to be honoured in thought, word, and gesture; they are to be highly thought of and esteemed; they are to be spoken to, and of, very honourably, and with great veneration and to be behaved to in a very respectful manner; and the”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 23:10: Note, 1. The fatherless are taken under God's special protection; with him they not only find mercy shown to them (Hos 14:3) but justice done for them. He is their Redeemer, their Goel, their near kinsman, that will take their part and stand up for them with jealousy, as taking himself affronted in the injuries done to them. As their Redeemer he will plead their cause against those that do them any injury, and, one way or other, will not only defend their right, and recover it for them, but avenge the wrongs done to them. And he is mighty, almighty; his omnipot”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 6:4: fathers--including mothers; the fathers are specified as being the fountains of domestic authority. Fathers are more prone to passion in relation to their children than mothers, whose fault is rather over-indulgence. provoke not--irritate not, by vexatious commands, unreasonable blame, and uncertain temper [ALFORD]. Col 3:21, "lest they be discouraged." nurture--Greek, "discipline," namely, training by chastening in act where needed (Job 5:17; Heb 12:7). admonition--training by words (Deu 6:7; "catechise," Pro 22:6, Margin), whether of encourag”
- Exodus (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on Exodus 20:12: Honor thy father and thy mother - There is a degree of affectionate respect which is owing to parents, that no person else can properly claim. For a considerable time parents stand as it were in the place of God to their children, and therefore rebellion against their lawful commands has been considered as rebellion against God. This precept therefore prohibits, not only all injurious acts, irreverent and unkind speeches to parents, but enjoins all necessary acts of kindness, filial respect, and obedience. We can scarcely suppose that a man honors his parents who, ”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 17:25: Observe, 1. Wicked children are an affliction to both their parents. They are an occasion of anger to the father (so the word signifies), because they contemn his authority, but of sorrow and bitterness to the mother, because they abuse her tenderness. The parents, being joint-sufferers, should therefore bring mutual comfort to bear them up under it, and strive to make it as easy as they can, the mother to mollify the father's anger, the father to alleviate the mother's grief. 2. That Solomon often repeats this remark, probably because it was his own case; howe”