Managing Lust Without Desire For Marriage
The Apostle Paul advises that "if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion" (1 Corinthians 7:9 NASB). This verse suggests marriage as a means to manage sexual desire for those who struggle with self-control [1, 2]. However, the question of managing lust without a desire for marriage has been addressed by various theological traditions.
Augustine of Hippo, a prominent Patristic theologian, distinguished between the good of marriage and the "disease of concupiscence" [5, 10]. While marriage itself is honorable and instituted for procreation, the concupiscence of the flesh, or lust, is a consequence of sin [3, 4, 10]. Augustine viewed lust as a powerful internal movement that can take possession of the body and mind [9]. He noted that even within marriage, there is a need for temperance to reduce carnal delight to its natural use for procreation, rather than for the gratification of lust [8, 10]. Augustine also observed that shame regarding sexual acts, even within marriage, is a natural human response, indicating the fallen nature of concupiscence [7]. He argued that this "disease of concupiscence" is not a matter of will but of necessity, and believers should strive to possess their bodies in sanctification and honor, not in the "disease of desire" [5].
Calvin, one theologian, echoed Paul's sentiment, stating that God prohibits fornication and requires purity and chastity [6]. He advised that individuals should assess their capacity for celibacy, and if they are unable to maintain chastity outside of marriage, they should not "rashly despise matrimony" [6]. This implies that marriage is a legitimate and divinely ordained outlet for sexual desire for those who cannot otherwise control it.
Rabbinic tradition also touches on the management of desire. The Babylonian Talmud discusses how the availability of something can affect desire. It uses the analogy of bread: one who has bread readily available experiences hunger less acutely than one who does not [11, 12]. This suggests that the presence of a legitimate outlet for desire, such as marriage, might help to mitigate the intensity of unfulfilled longing. However, the Talmud also presents a scenario where sages proposed marriage not for consummation but to be in seclusion, with the understanding that no sexual act would occur, thereby preventing anticipatory desire [11, 12]. This highlights a nuanced understanding of desire, where its intensity can be influenced by expectation and availability.
Sources
- 1 Corinthians “1 Corinthians 7:9 (NASB) — But if they do not have self-control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”
- I Corinthians “I Corinthians 7:9 (LITV) — But if they do not have self control, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to be inflamed.”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 42.--THE PELAGIANS TRY TO GET RID OF ORIGINAL SIN BY THEIR PRAISE OF GOD'S WORKS; MARRIAGE, IN ITS NATURE AND BY ITS INSTITUTION, IS NOT THE CAUSE OF SIN. (part 2): is a good, is not the cause of evil; and that consequently from it no man could be born in a sinful state, and having need of a Saviour: just as if we said that marriage is the cause of sin, though it is true that the human being which is born in wedlock is not born without sin. Marriage was instituted not for the purpose of sinning, but of producing children. Accordingly the Lord's bl”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 27 [XXIV.]--THROUGH LUST ORIGINAL SIN IS TRANSMITTED; VENIAL SINS IN MARRIED PERSONS; CONCUPISCENCE OF THE FLESH, THE: DAUGHTER AND MOTHER OF SIN. Wherefore the devil holds infants guilty who are born, not of the good by which marriage is good, but of the evil of concupiscence, which, indeed, marriage uses aright, but at which even marriage has occasion to feel shame. Marriage is itself "honourable in all"[5] the goods which properly appertain to it; but even when it has 275 its "bed undefiled" (not only by fornication and adultery, which are damn”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 9 [VIII.]--THIS DISEASE OF CONCUPISCENCE IN MARRIAGE IS NOT TO BE A MATTER OF WILL, BUT OF NECESSITY; WHAT OUGHT TO BE THE WILL OF BELIEVERS IN THE USE OF MATRIMONY; WHO IS TO BE REGARDED AS USI (part 1): This disease of concupiscence is what the apostle refers to, when, speaking to married believers, he says: "This is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication: that every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour; not in the disease of desire, even as the Gentiles which k”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 44: encumbered in his service, do we not oppose God, and nature as constituted by him, if we do not accommodate our mode of life to the measure of our ability? The Lord prohibits fornication, therefore he requires purity and chastity. The only method which each has of preserving it is to measure himself by his capacity. Let no man rashly despise matrimony as a thing useless or superfluous to him; let no man long for celibacy unless he is able to dispense with the married state. Nor even here let him consult the tranquillity or convenie”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 33.--THE SHAME OF NAKEDNESS.: This kind of shame--this necessity of blushing--is certainly born with every man, and in some measure is commanded by the very laws of nature; so that, in this matter, even virtuous married people are ashamed. Nor can any one go to such an extreme of evil and disgrace, as, because he knows God to be the author of nature and the ordainer of marriage, to have intercourse even with his wife in any one's sight, or not to blush at those impulses and seek secrecy, where he can shun the sight not only of strangers, but even ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 3: Augustine — On the Holy Trinity — ON THE GOOD OF MARRIAGE. (part 19): living here, but from duty of being useful(2), takes food that he may remain in the flesh, which is necessary for the sake of others; so to have intercourse with females in right of marriage, was to holy men at that time a matter of duty not of lust. 18. For what food is unto the conservation of the man, this sexual intercourse is unto the conservation of the race: and both are not without carnal delight: which yet being modified, and by restraint of temperance reduced unto the use after nature, cannot be lust.(”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 16.--OF THE EVIL OF LUST,--A WORD WHICH, THOUGH APPLICABLE TO MANY VICES, IS SPECIALLY APPROPRIATED TO SEXUAL UNCLEANNESS: Although, therefore, lust may have many objects, yet when no object is specified, the word lust usually suggests to the mind the lustful excitement of the organs of generation. And this lust not only takes possession of the whole body and outward members, but also makes itself felt within, and moves the whole man with a passion in which mental emotion is mingled with bodily appetite, so that the pleasure whic”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 5: Augustine — Anti-Pelagian — CHAP. 57 [XXIX.]--THE GOOD OF MARRIAGE; FOUR DIFFERENT CASES OF THE GOOD AND THE EVIL USE OF MATRIMONY. (part 1): The good, then, of marriage lies not in the passion of desire, but in a certain legitimate and honourable measure in using that passion, appropriate to the propagation of children, not the gratification of lust.[3] That, therefore, which is disobediently excited in the members of the body of this death, and endeavours to draw into itself our whole fallen soul, (neither arising nor subsiding at the bidding of the mind), is that evil of sin in”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 18b.5: And if you wish, say instead that these Sages were not actually proposing marriage; rather, they proposed so that they could be in seclusion with the women, without consummating the relationship. Since the women knew that the marriage would not be consummated, they did not experience anticipatory desire. There is no similarity between one who has bread in his basket and one who does not have bread in his basket. One who does not have access to bread experiences hunger more acutely than one for whom bread is available and can eat whenever he chooses. Similarly, an”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Yoma 176a.36:5: And if you wish, say instead that these Sages were not actually proposing marriage; rather, they proposed so that they could be in seclusion with the women, without consummating the relationship. Since the women knew that the marriage would not be consummated, they did not experience anticipatory desire. There is no similarity between one who has bread in his basket and one who does not have bread in his basket. One who does not have access to bread experiences hunger more acutely than one for whom bread is available and can eat whenever he chooses. Similarly”