Marriage to a Narcissistic Husband with Limited Options
Marriage in Biblical Context
The biblical understanding of marriage is foundational to addressing the complexities of being married to a narcissistic husband. The creation narrative in Genesis establishes marriage as a relationship between a man and a woman, with mutual responsibilities and a hierarchical structure [1]. The Fall introduces an element of antagonism into this relationship, with the woman desiring to control her husband, but he ruling over her (Genesis 3:16) [1].
Biblical Guidance on Marriage
The biblical text provides guidance on marriage, emphasizing the importance of a harmonious relationship. Proverbs warns against the affliction of having a brawling or scolding wife, suggesting that such a situation can embitter the comfort of a man's life (Proverbs 21:9) [6]. Conversely, a good wife is considered a blessing, with the wise man looking to the Lord to give an understanding wife (Proverbs 19:13-14) [3].
Christian Teachings on Marriage and Difficult Circumstances
Christian teachings on marriage emphasize the importance of mutual respect, love, and submission. In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul advises on marriage, recommending celibate life but allowing for marriage if a person's sexual desires prove too much of a temptation (1 Corinthians 7:36-38) [4]. The passage also highlights the difficulties of marriage in times of distress, advising those with wives to be as if they had none (1 Corinthians 7:29) [5].
Historical Christian Perspectives
Historically, Christian perspectives on marriage have varied. John Chrysostom, an Eastern Orthodox father, suggests that a married couple can live a life similar to that of monks if they prioritize their spiritual lives [2]. In his view, the key to a successful marriage lies in the couple's ability to maintain a spiritual focus.
Marriage to a Narcissistic Husband
When considering marriage to a narcissistic husband, the biblical and historical Christian perspectives offer some guidance. A narcissistic husband can be seen as a challenging circumstance, akin to having a "brawling or scolding wife" in Proverbs. The biblical advice to "sit loose to all earthly concerns" and be prepared to face difficulties may be relevant in such situations (1 Corinthians 7:29-31) [5].
Limited Options and Christian Response
For a Christian woman married to a narcissistic husband with limited options, the biblical emphasis on perseverance and faith may be particularly relevant. The story of Abram and Sarai, who faced the tension of Sarai's barrenness and attempted an alternate plan, highlights the importance of trusting in God's promises rather than relying solely on human solutions (Genesis 16:1-16) [7]. In such difficult circumstances, Christian teachings encourage believers to prioritize their spiritual lives and seek support from their faith community.
The early Christian church recognized the challenges of marriage and the importance of maintaining a spiritual focus. The advice of the apostle Paul and the reflections of early Christian fathers like John Chrysostom offer guidance on navigating the complexities of marriage, including those arising from a narcissistic partner [2, 4].
Sources
- Genesis (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Genesis 3:16: 3:16 Judgment falls on the woman’s unique role of childbearing and on her relationship with her husband. • And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you: The marriage relationship now included an element of antagonism rather than just security and fulfillment. New life in Christ allows for the restoration of a man and a woman’s marriage relationship (Eph 5:18-32; cp. Matt 20:25-28).”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Galatians–Colossians–Thessalonians: men; and yet how they spent their lives, in hunger and in thirst. Teach her that there is nothing in life that is to be feared, save only offending against God. If any marry thus, with these views, he will be but little inferior to monks; the married but little below the unmarried. If thou hast a mind to give dinners, and to make entertainments, let there be nothing immodest, nothing disorderly. If thou shouldest find any poor saint able to bless your house, able only just by setting his foot in it to bring in the whole blessing ”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 19:13: 19:13-14 No choice for a son is more important than a good wife (cp. 31:10-31); a poor choice brings agony (see 10:1; 11:22; 12:4; 21:9, 19; 25:24; 27:15-17). The wise man will look to the Lord to give an understanding wife.”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:36: 7:36-38 Paul recommends celibate life in preference to marriage, but he allows for marriage if a person’s sexual desires prove too much of a temptation. Those in firm control of their sexual desires are encouraged to choose the celibate life.”
- 1 Corinthians (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on 1 Corinthians 7:29: The time is short - These persecutions and distresses are at the door, and life itself will soon be run out. Even then Nero was plotting those grievous persecutions with which he not only afflicted, but devastated the Church of Christ. They that have wives - Let none begin to think of any comfortable settlement for his family, let him sit loose to all earthly concerns, and stand ready prepared to escape for his life, or meet death, as the providence of God may permit. The husband will be dragged from the side of his wife to appear before the magistrates, and ”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:9: See here, 1. What a great affliction it is to a man to have a brawling scolding woman for his wife, who upon every occasion, and often upon no occasion, breaks out into a passion, and chides either him or those about her, is fretful to herself and furious to her children and servants, and, in both, vexatious to her husband. If a man has a wide house, spacious and pompous, this will embitter the comfort of it to him - a house of society (so the word is), in which a man may be sociable, and entertain his friends; this will make both him and his house unsociable, a”
- Genesis (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Genesis 16:1: 16:1-16 While waiting for their promised son to be born, Abram and Sarai attempted an alternate plan that was not in keeping with faith. 16:1-3 Abram and Sarai faced the tension of her being barren and beyond childbearing years. By custom, a barren woman could give her servant to her husband as a slave-wife; the child born to that union was considered the wife’s child and could be adopted as the heir. Sarai’s suggestion, unobjectionable by custom, set a problematic human plan in motion. God’s promises would be fulfilled by faith.”