Misunderstandings and Hurt Feelings in Friendships
Misunderstandings and hurt feelings can be a significant challenge in friendships. The biblical wisdom literature acknowledges this reality, noting that even close friends can be divided by gossip and dissension (Proverbs 16:28) [1]. Sirach 6:9 warns that a friend can turn to enmity, disclosing hatred, strife, and reproaches. In such situations, the hurt can be particularly deep, as the wounds inflicted by a friend are often more painful than those from an enemy (Proverbs 27:6) [3].
The patristic tradition recognizes that human relationships are inherently fragile and prone to misunderstandings. Augustine notes that in our present condition, we frequently mistake a friend for an enemy and vice versa [4]. This uncertainty underscores the importance of cultivating genuine and unfeigned confidence in our friendships. According to Aquinas, the sympathy of friends can be a powerful antidote to sorrow, as it helps to unburden the weight of pain [7].
The biblical wisdom literature offers practical guidance on navigating the complexities of friendships. Proverbs 17:9 suggests that covering an offense can promote love and prevent the separation of close friends [2]. Conversely, repeating a matter can drive friends apart. This wisdom is echoed in the Nonconformist/Puritan tradition, where Matthew Henry notes that true friendship is constant and actuated by a good principle, whereas superficial friendships are fleeting and self-serving [8].
In times of affliction, friends can play a vital role in offering comfort and support. John Gill's commentary on Job 6:13 emphasizes the importance of showing pity to those who are afflicted, whether inwardly or outwardly [5]. Similarly, Augustine's letters highlight the value of mutual love and support among friends, even in the face of scandals and challenges [6].
Sources
- Proverbs “Proverbs 16:28 (BSB) — A perverse man spreads dissension, and a gossip divides close friends.”
- Proverbs “He who covers an offense promotes love; but he who repeats a matter separates best friends. -- Proverbs 17:9”
- Proverbs “Proverbs 27:6 (BSB) — The wounds of a friend are faithful, but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 8.--THAT THE FRIENDSHIP OF GOOD MEN CANNOT BE SECURELY RESTED IN, SO LONG AS THE DANGERS OF THIS LIFE FORCE US TO BE ANXIOUS. (part 1): In our present wretched condition we frequently mistake a friend for an enemy, and an enemy for a friend. And if we escape this pitiable blindness, is not the unfeigned confidence and mutual love of true and good friends our one solace in human society, filled as it is with misunderstandings and calamities? And yet the more friends we have, and the more widely they are scattered, the more numerou”
- Job (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Job 6:13: To him that is afflicted pity should be showed from his friend,.... An "afflicted" man is an object of pity, one that is afflicted of God; either inwardly with a wounded spirit, with a sense of God's displeasure, with divine desertions, with the arrows of the Almighty sticking in him, the poison thereof drinking up his spirits; or outwardly with diseases of body, with want of the necessaries of life, with loss of near relations, as well as substance, which was Job's case; or afflicted by Satan, shot at, sifted and buffered by him, distressed by his temptations, suggestio”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. III. -- 6. I am not acquainted with the writings speaking injuriously of you, which you tell me have come into Africa.. I have, however, received the reply to these which you have been pleased t (part 4): in the manner in which I ought: for I do not wonder that we are less thoroughly known to each other than we are to our most close and intimate friends. Upon the love of such friends I readily cast myself without reservation, especially when chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world; and in their love I rest without any disturbing ca”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, First Part of the Second Part (Prima Secundae), Of the Remedies of Sorrow or Pain, Art. 3: Article: Whether pain or sorrow are assuaged by the sympathy of friends? I answer that, When one is in pain, it is natural that the sympathy of a friend should afford consolation: whereof the Philosopher indicates a twofold reason (Ethic. ix, 11). The first is because, since sorrow has a depressing effect, it is like a weight whereof we strive to unburden ourselves: so that when a man sees others saddened by his own sorrow, it seems as though others were bearing the burden with”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 17:17: This intimates the strength of those bonds by which we are bound to each other and which we ought to be sensible of. 1. Friends must be constant to each other at all times. That is not true friendship which is not constant; it will be so if it be sincere, and actuated by a good principle. Those that are fanciful or selfish in their friendship will love no longer than their humour is pleased and their interest served, and therefore their affections turn with the wind and change with the weather. Swallow-friends, that fly to you in summer, but are gone in winter;”