Navigating Unwanted Memories and Conversations in Christian Relationships
Christian relationships, whether within marriage, family, or the broader community, often involve navigating the complexities of shared history, including both positive and negative memories and conversations. The Bible and Christian theological traditions offer guidance on how believers should approach their interactions, emphasizing purity of speech, conscience, and conduct.
The concept of "conversation" in biblical texts frequently extends beyond mere verbal exchange to encompass one's entire manner of life or behavior [7]. For instance, 1 Peter 2:12 speaks of having an "honest conversation" among the Gentiles, which is interpreted as honorable and proper conduct that aligns with Christian faith [7]. Similarly, Hebrews 13:5 exhorts believers to let their "conversation be without covetousness," indicating that one's lifestyle and attitude towards material possessions are part of their conversation [10]. This broader understanding of "conversation" suggests that navigating relationships involves not only what is said but also how one lives and acts.
Unwanted memories and conversations can arise from past wrongs, unresolved conflicts, or even the lingering effects of ungodly influences. The Apostle Paul, in Colossians 3:8, instructs believers to "put away all these things; wrath, passion, bad feeling, curses, unclean talk" [2]. Matthew Henry interprets this passage as a call to mortify inordinate passions like anger, wrath, and malice, recognizing them as spiritual wickedness that are contrary to the gospel's design [8]. These negative emotions and forms of speech can corrupt good manners and hinder healthy relationships [6]. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown commentary on 1 Corinthians 15:33 notes that "evil communications corrupt good manners," referring to the detrimental influence of associating with those who deny core Christian truths or live profligate lives [6]. This suggests that believers should be discerning about the influences they allow into their lives and conversations.
When addressing past grievances or difficult memories, Christian teaching encourages a focus on reconciliation and purity of conscience. Matthew Henry, commenting on 1 Peter 3:16, states that a Christian's faith is supported by a "good conscience and a good conversation" [3]. A good conscience is one that is "kept pure and uncorrupt, and clear from guilt," which will justify a believer even when others accuse them [3]. This implies that personal integrity and a clear conscience are foundational for navigating challenging relational dynamics. John Gill, in his commentary on 2 Corinthians 7:3, clarifies that his exhortations for holiness and purity of life should not be misunderstood as accusations, but rather as guidance for maintaining a godly walk [4]. This highlights the importance of careful communication, ensuring that intentions are clear and not misconstrued as condemnation.
The wisdom literature, such as Ecclesiastes, acknowledges that there are appropriate times for various actions and emotions. Ecclesiastes 3:5 states, "a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing" [1]. This verse can be understood in the context of relationships as recognizing when to address past issues and when to let them go, when to draw near and when to maintain distance. Discretion in speech is also emphasized in the Psalms, where sins of thought are included in those of speech, and avoiding evil in human relations is based on a right relationship with God [5]. This suggests that the internal state of the heart directly impacts external interactions.
In the Eastern Orthodox tradition, as exemplified by John Chrysostom, the struggle with loss and grief, which can generate unwanted memories, is acknowledged as a natural human experience. Chrysostom, in his homilies, describes the lament of someone who misses a lost loved one, not disbelieving the resurrection, but struggling with the "intermediate separation" and the multitude of troubles that rush in [9]. This perspective recognizes the emotional weight of memories and the need for comfort and understanding within the Christian community, even while holding to theological truths.
Sources
- Ecclesiastes “a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; -- Ecclesiastes 3:5”
- Colossians “Colossians 3:8 (BBE) — But now it is right for you to put away all these things; wrath, passion, bad feeling, curses, unclean talk;”
- 1 Peter (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on 1 Peter 3:16: The confession of a Christian's faith cannot credibly be supported but by the two means here specified - a good conscience and a good conversation. conscience is good when it does its office well, when it is kept pure and uncorrupt, and clear from guilt; then it will justify you, though men accuse you. A good conversation in Christ is a holy life, according to the doctrine and example of Christ. "Look well to your conscience, and to your conversation; and then, though men speak evil of you, and falsely accuse you as evil-doers, you will clear yourselves, and brin”
- 2 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 2 Corinthians 7:3: I speak not this to condemn you,.... Referring either to the exhortations before given, to have no sinful conversation with unbelievers, and to cleanse themselves from all impurity, external and internal; and to go on in a course of holiness, in the fear of God, to the end of life; or to the account just given of himself and fellow ministers; and his sense is this, the exhortations I have given must not be so understood, as though I charged and accused you with keeping company with unbelievers, or as though you were not concerned for purity of life and conversat”
- Psalms (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Psalms 34:13: Sins of thought included in those of speech (Luk 6:45), avoiding evil and doing good in our relations to men are based on a right relation to God.”
- 1 Corinthians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Corinthians 15:33: evil communications corrupt good manners--a current saying, forming a verse in MENANDER, the comic poet, who probably took it from Euripides [SOCRATES, Ecclesiastical History, 3.16]. "Evil communications" refer to intercourse with those who deny the resurrection. Their notion seems to have been that the resurrection is merely spiritual, that sin has its seat solely in the body, and will be left behind when the soul leaves it, if, indeed, the soul survive death at all. good--not only good-natured, but pliant. Intimacy with the profligate socie”
- 1 Peter (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Peter 2:12: conversation--"behavior"; "conduct." There are two things in which "strangers and pilgrims" ought to bear themselves well: (1) the conversation or conduct, as subjects (Pe1 2:13), servants (Pe1 2:18), wives (Pe1 3:1), husbands (Pe1 3:7), all persons under all circumstances (Pe1 2:8); (2) confession of the faith (Pe1 3:15-16). Each of the two is derived from the will of God. Our conversation should correspond to our Saviour's condition; this is in heaven, so ought that to be. honest--honorable, becoming, proper (Pe1 3:16). Contrast "vain conversation”
- Colossians (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Colossians 3:8: As we are to mortify inordinate appetites, so we are to mortify inordinate passions (Col 3:8): But now you also put off all these, anger wrath, malice; for these are contrary to the design of the gospel, as well as grosser impurities; and, though they are more spiritual wickedness, have not less malignity in them. The gospel religion introduces a change of the higher as well as the lower powers of the soul, and supports the dominion of right reason and conscience over appetite and passion. Anger and wrath are bad, but malice is worse, because it is more rooted ”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Galatians–Colossians–Thessalonians: him? He was displaying, you say, good hopes, and I was expecting that he would be my supporter. On this account I miss my husband, on this account my son, on this account I wail and lament, not disbelieving the Resurrection, but being left destitute of support, and having lost my protector, my companion, who shared with me in all things—my comforter. On this account I mourn. I know that he will rise again, but I cannot bear the intermediate separation. A multitude of troubles rushes in upon me. I am exposed to all who are willing”
- Hebrews (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Hebrews 13:5: Let your conversation be without covetousness,.... Which is an immoderate desire, of riches, an over anxious care for worldly things, attended with dissatisfaction, and discontent with their present state: it discovers itself many ways; in preferring the world to religion; in laying up treasure for a man's own self, without being any ways useful to others; in withholding from himself the necessaries of life, and in making no use of his substance for the glory of God, and the interest of religion: this is a very great evil; it is called idolatry, and is said to be the”