Overcoming Lust Before Pursuing a Godly Woman
Christ's teaching in the Sermon on the Mount establishes that lust itself constitutes adultery in the heart: "anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart" [5]. This standard makes clear that the battle against lust is not merely about external behavior but about the orientation of desire itself. Before a man can rightly pursue a godly woman, he must address this internal disorder, for the same lustful patterns that corrupt his thoughts will corrupt his pursuit of marriage.
The Nature of Lust and Its Progression
The patristic tradition understood lust as following a dangerous trajectory. Augustine traces the sequence: "every one is tempted when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then lust, when it hath conceived, bringeth forth sin; and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death" [12]. The imagery is deliberate—lust seeks consent like an embrace, and once given, it conceives and brings forth consequences [13]. This progression means that victory must come at the earliest stage, before consent is given to the initial attraction.
Chrysostom emphasizes that the real battle is won through avoidance rather than resistance after engagement: "he who does not look upon a woman, will overcome such lust not only with greater ease, but with a higher purity, as he on the other hand who does look, getteth free with" far greater difficulty [7]. The strategy is not to test one's strength against temptation but to deny it the initial foothold. This requires what Chrysostom elsewhere calls "denying" rather than merely "avoiding"—the greatest distance, the greatest hatred and aversion [10].
Self-Discipline as Foundation
Paul's instruction to "discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness" [3] establishes the positive framework. Calvin interprets this self-denial as the foundation of Christian discipleship: when it "takes hold of the mind, leaves no place either, first, for pride, show, and ostentation; or, secondly, for avarice, lust, luxury, effeminacy, or other vices which are engendered by self love" [6]. The man who has learned to look to God in everything is simultaneously diverted from vain thoughts. This is not mere suppression but redirection—the cultivation of godliness that displaces ungodliness.
The past life of sensuality must be recognized as sufficient: "the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries" [4]. There is a decisive break required, a recognition that the former manner of life belongs to a finished chapter.
The Object of Pursuit
Scripture redirects attention from physical beauty to spiritual character. "Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised" [1]. The deuterocanonical tradition reinforces this: "Depart not from a wise and good wife, whom thou hast gotten in the fear of the Lord: for the grace of her modesty is above gold" [2]. The man who has not overcome lust cannot properly value these qualities, for his vision remains distorted by disordered desire.
Calvin addresses the practical question of marriage directly: "The Lord prohibits fornication, therefore he requires purity and chastity. The only method which each has of preserving it is to measure himself by his capacity" [11]. A man must assess honestly whether he can maintain celibacy; if not, marriage is the proper course. But this assumes he approaches marriage as the remedy for legitimate desire, not as the sanctification of lust. The distinction matters: one seeks a godly woman as a partner in holiness, the other seeks any woman as an outlet for appetite.
The patristic writers warned that even within marriage, lust corrupts: "Let the husband not be insolent nor arrogant towards his wife... not adorning thyself in such a manner as may entice another woman to thee" [9]. The man who has not disciplined his desires before marriage will not suddenly acquire that discipline after. The habits formed in singleness persist, and Augustine notes that yielding to unlawful pleasure, even in small degrees, constitutes grave sin [8]. Victory over lust is therefore not merely preparation for marriage but the necessary condition for honoring any woman rightly.
Sources
- Proverbs “Proverbs 31:30 (BSB) — Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.”
- Sirach “Sirach 7:21 (DRC) — Depart not from a wise and good wife, whom thou hast gotten in the fear of the Lord: for the grace of her modesty is above gold.”
- 1 Timothy “1 Timothy 4:7 (NASB) — But have nothing to do with worldly fables fit only for old women. On the other hand, discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness;”
- 1 Peter “1 Peter 4:3 (NASB) — For the time already past is sufficient for you to have carried out the desire of the Gentiles, having pursued a course of sensuality, lusts, drunkenness, carousing, drinking parties and abominable idolatries.”
- Matthew “Matthew 5:28 (BSB) — But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman to lust after her has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 62: has learned to look to God in everything he does, is at the same time diverted from all vain thoughts. This is that self-denial which Christ so strongly enforces on his disciples from the very outset ( Mt. 16:24 ), which, as soon as it takes hold of the mind, leaves no place either, first, for pride, show, and ostentation; or, secondly, for avarice, lust, luxury, effeminacy, or other vices which are engendered by self love. On the contrary, wherever it reigns not, the foulest vices are indulged in without shame; or, if there is som”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Acts & Romans: beautiful women, as it is while looking to restrain one’s 426 self. Or rather the first would be no trouble at all, but immense toil and labor comes on after looking. Since then this trouble is less (most mss. add, “to the incontinent”), or rather there is no labor at all, nor trouble, but the greater gain, why do we take pains to plunge into an ocean of countless evils? And farther, he who does not look upon a woman, will overcome such lust not only with greater ease, but with a higher purity, as he on the other hand who does look, getteth free with”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — CHAP. XII.--33. "Ye have heard that it was said to them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery: but I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her, hath committed adultery wi (part 2): guilty of this unwillingly. But yet, previous to habit, either there is no pleasure, or it is so slight that there is hardly any; and to yield to it is a great sin, as such pleasure is unlawful. Now, when any one does yield, he commits sin in the heart. If, however, he also proceeds to action, the desire seems to be satis- 16 fied and e”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 7: Lactantius, Venantius, Asterius, Victorinus, Dionysius — CONCERNING THE ADORNMENT OF OURSELVES, AND THE SIN WHICH ARISES FROM THENCE. (part 1): Let the husband not be insolent nor arrogant towards his wife; but compassionate, bountiful, willing to please his own wife alone,(5) and treat her honourably and obligingly, endeavouring to be agreeable to her; (III.) not adorning thyself in such a manner as may entice another woman to thee. For if thou art overcome by her, and sinnest with her, eternal death will overtake thee from God; and thou wilt be punished with sensible and bitter to”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Galatians–Colossians–Thessalonians: for there are two; the first of grace, the second of retribution and justice. “That denying ungodliness,” he says, “and worldly lusts.” See here the foundation of all virtue. He has not said “avoiding,” but “denying.” Denying implies the greatest distance, the greatest hatred and aversion. With as much resolution and zeal as they turned from idols, with so much let them turn from vice itself, and worldly lusts. For these too are idols, that is, worldly lusts, and covetousness, and this he names idolatry. Whatever things are usefu”
- CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 44: encumbered in his service, do we not oppose God, and nature as constituted by him, if we do not accommodate our mode of life to the measure of our ability? The Lord prohibits fornication, therefore he requires purity and chastity. The only method which each has of preserving it is to measure himself by his capacity. Let no man rashly despise matrimony as a thing useless or superfluous to him; let no man long for celibacy unless he is able to dispense with the married state. Nor even here let him consult the tranquillity or convenie”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — AGAIN, ON MATT. VI. ON THE LORD'S PRAYER. TO (part 7): him as his possessor, if God abandon him. Therefore that He may not abandon us, do we say, "Lead us not into temptation." "For every one is tempted," says the same Apostle James, "when he is drawn away of his own lust and enticed. Then lust, when it hath conceived, bringeth forth sin; and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death."(1) What then has he hereby taught us? To fight against our lusts. For ye are about to put away your sins in Holy Baptism; but lusts will still remain, wher”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — AGAIN ON THE LORD'S PRAYER, MATT. VI. TO THE COMPETENTES. (part 8): admitted(6) her embrace. Lust has risen up, deny thyself to her, follow her not. It is a lust unlawful, impure, and shameful, it will alienate thee from God. Give it not then the embrace of thy consent, lest thou have to bewail the birth; for if thou consent, that is, when thou hast embraced her, she conceives, "and when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin." Dost thou not yet fear? "Sin bringeth forth death;" at least, fear death. If thou fear not sin, yet fear that whe”