Parental Concerns About Fiancée's Lack of Involvement
Biblical texts and theological traditions offer various perspectives on parental involvement in their children's marital decisions, often emphasizing the parents' role in ensuring their children's well-being and suitability of a match. The apostle Paul, for instance, addresses situations where a father might feel he is not treating his daughter well by leaving her unmarried beyond her prime, suggesting that if "the exigencies of the case require it," the daughter and her suitor should marry [2, 7]. This implies a parental responsibility to consider the daughter's feelings and welfare, and to facilitate marriage when appropriate [2].
Parental concern for a daughter's reputation and future was significant in ancient contexts. It was considered a disgrace for a woman to remain unmarried past a certain age, potentially raising suspicions about her character [7]. In Deuteronomy, a father could declare to elders that he gave his daughter to a man, but the man "has no love for her," indicating a parental right to intervene in cases of perceived mistreatment or abandonment [1]. Similarly, a father might offer a younger sister in marriage if he believed his daughter had been abandoned, possibly to rectify a perceived wrong or ensure his family's honor [3].
The close seclusion of unmarried daughters from men was a common practice, particularly among Jewish communities, where strangers and even male relatives were often not permitted to see them without witnesses [8]. This practice highlights the protective role parents played in safeguarding their daughters' purity and reputation. However, parental partiality could also lead to negative consequences, as seen in the case of Isaac and Rebekah, whose divided affections for their sons led to family strife [5].
While parents held significant authority, children were also enjoined to obey their parents "without any exception," a principle that Calvin interprets as confirming the subjection of wives by divine authority, while also requiring husbands to love their wives and not abuse their authority [4]. This framework suggests a balance of authority and responsibility within the family structure.
Sometimes, a daughter's actions, even if seemingly innocent, could lead to significant trouble for the family. Dinah, Jacob's only daughter, is described as having gone out "to see the daughters of the land," a curiosity that led to much mischief, suggesting that even with parental oversight, children's choices could have far-reaching impacts [9]. The reluctance of a father to bid his daughter farewell, even after a marriage agreement, could also be a reflection of deep parental attachment and concern for her future [6].
Sources
- Deuteronomy “Deuteronomy 22:16 (BBE) — And let the girl's father say to the responsible men, I gave my daughter to this man for his wife, but he has no love for her;”
- 1 Corinthians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Corinthians 7:36: behaveth . . . uncomely--is not treating his daughter well in leaving her unmarried beyond the flower of her age, and thus debarring her from the lawful gratification of her natural feeling as a marriageable woman. need so require--if the exigencies of the case require it; namely, regard to the feelings and welfare of his daughter. Opposed to "having no necessity" (Co1 7:37). let them marry--the daughter and her suitor.”
- Jude (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Jude 15:2: 15:2 The father may have thought that his daughter had been abandoned (see study note on 14:20). The father’s offer of the younger sister might have been an attempt to remedy his own treachery.”
- CCEL (Reformed) “Calvin, Commentary on Philippians, Colossians, 1-2 Thessalonians, section 40.2: I, however, view it rather differently, — As it is fit in the Lord , that is, according to the appointment of the Lord, so that he confirms the subjection of wives by the authority of God. He requires love on the part of husbands, and that they be not bitter , because there is a danger lest they should abuse their authority in the way of tyranny. 20 Children, obey your parents. He enjoins it upon children to obey their parents, 458 458 “ Leurs peres et meres ;” — “Their fathers and mothers.” without any exception. ”
- Genesis (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Genesis 25:28: The parents were divided in their affection; and while the grounds, at least of the father's partiality, were weak, the distinction made between the children led, as such conduct always does, to unhappy consequences.”
- Jude (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Jude 19:5: 19:5-7 Although some have suggested that the delay in leaving was analogous to Samson’s seven-day bridal feast (14:10-20), the picture may reflect nothing more than the father’s reluctance to bid his daughter farewell.”
- 1 Corinthians (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on 1 Corinthians 7:36: In this passage the apostle is commonly supposed to give advice about the disposal of children in marriage, upon the principle of his former determination. In this view the general meaning is plain. It was in that age, and those parts of the world, and especially among the Jews, reckoned a disgrace for a woman to remain unmarried past a certain number of years: it gave a suspicion of somewhat that was not for her reputation. "Now," says the apostle, "if any man thinks he behaves unhandsomely towards his daughter, and that it is not for her credit to remain ”
- 2 Samuel (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 2 Samuel 13:2: for she was a virgin--Unmarried daughters were kept in close seclusion from the company of men; no strangers, nor even their relatives of the other sex, being permitted to see them without the presence of witnesses. Of course, Amnon must have seen Tamar, for he had conceived a violent passion for her, which, though forbidden by the law (Lev 18:11), yet with the sanction of Abraham's example (Gen 20:12), and the common practice in neighboring countries for princes to marry their half sisters, he seems not to have considered an improper connection. But”
- Genesis (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Genesis 34:1: Dinah was, for aught that appears, Jacob's only daughter, and we may suppose her therefore the mother's fondling and the darling of the family, and yet she proves neither a joy nor a credit to them; for those children seldom prove either the best or the happiest that are most indulged. She is reckoned now but fifteen or sixteen years of age when she here occasioned so much mischief. Observe, 1. Her vain curiosity, which exposed her. She went out, perhaps unknown to her father, but by the connivance of her mother, to see the daughters of the land (Gen 34:1); proba”