Practicing Forgiveness in Difficult Family Relationships
Practicing forgiveness in difficult family relationships is a recurring theme in biblical instruction, emphasizing reconciliation and grace within the believing community. The Apostle Paul exhorts believers in Colossians 3:13 to "Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" [1]. This command underscores the reciprocal nature of forgiveness, mirroring God's forgiveness of humanity [7].
The concept of forgiveness is deeply intertwined with maintaining healthy relationships. Proverbs 17:9 suggests that "Maintaining a good relationship with another person means forgiving rather than dwelling on faults" [4]. This implies that holding onto grievances can damage relational bonds, while forgiveness acts as a restorative force. Matthew Henry notes that quarrels among relations are particularly unnatural and difficult to resolve, as "corruption makes it most difficult to forgive them" [8]. Despite this difficulty, wisdom and grace should make it easier to forgive those with whom one shares close ties [8].
Jesus' teachings in Matthew 18:15-35 provide a framework for addressing conflict and pursuing reconciliation within the community. The passage emphasizes that the believing community should not be fractured by unreconciled relationships, and members are to pursue reconciliation and forgive willingly [5]. The process begins privately: "If another believer sins, love requires us to go privately and point out the offense" [5]. This private approach is intended to restore the relationship, with public disclosure only as a last resort [5]. James 5:16 further encourages this by stating, "Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed" [3].
The call to forgive is not conditional on the other person's perfection but is rooted in the experience of God's own forgiveness. Tyndale House notes on Ephesians 4:32 that "Forgiving fellow believers is a natural and good response to experiencing God’s forgiving grace in Christ" [7]. Similarly, on Matthew 6:12, it is observed that "Forgiving others is a reflection of a repentant, regenerate heart, which makes our own forgiveness possible" [9]. Those who have experienced God's forgiveness are expected to extend that same grace to others [9]. John Gill interprets Colossians 3:13 as not only bearing with one another's weaknesses but also forbearing to seek revenge for affronts and forgiving all trespasses committed against oneself [6]. Adam Clarke adds that one should be "instantly ready to forgive on the first acknowledgment of the fault," drawing a parallel to Christ, who "required no satisfaction, and sought for nothing in you but the broken, contrite heart, and freely forgave you as soon as you returned to Him" [10]. However, Clarke also clarifies that the offended party is not called to actually forgive until the offender acknowledges their fault with sorrow [10].
The broader context of Christian community also calls for acceptance and welcome. Romans 15:7 states, "We are to welcome other believers, with all their flaws and sins, into our fellowship and treat them as family... just as Christ has accepted us, with all our flaws and sins, into his fellowship and family" [11]. This principle of acceptance extends to difficult family relationships, encouraging believers to embrace one another despite imperfections. The Old Testament also speaks of God's character as "keeping loving kindness for thousands, forgiving iniquity and disobedience and sin," though it also notes that God "will by no means clear the guilty" [2]. This highlights a divine balance between mercy and justice, which believers are called to emulate in their relationships.
Sources
- Colossians “Colossians 3:13 (BSB) — Bear with one another and forgive any complaint you may have against someone else. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
- Exodus “keeping loving kindness for thousands, forgiving iniquity and disobedience and sin; and that will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, and on the children’s children, on the third and on the fourth generation.” -- Exodus 34:7”
- James “Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective. -- James 5:16”
- Proverbs (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Proverbs 17:9: 17:9 Maintaining a good relationship with another person means forgiving rather than dwelling on faults.”
- Matthew (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Matthew 18:15: 18:15-35 The believing community must not be fractured into rival parties and unreconciled relationships. Its members are to pursue reconciliation (18:15-20) and forgive willingly (18:21-35). At times, however, stern discipline may be necessary (18:17). 18:15-20 Restoration begins privately and should be made public only as a last resort. 18:15 If another believer sins, love requires us to go privately and point out the offense (Lev 19:17; Luke 17:3; Gal 6:1; 1 Tim 5:20; Titus 3:10).”
- Colossians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Colossians 3:13: Forbearing one another,.... Not only bearing one another's burdens, and with one another's weaknesses, but forbearing to render evil for evil, or railing for railing, or to seek revenge for affronts given, in whatsoever way, whether by words or deeds: and forgiving one another; all trespasses and offences, so far as committed against themselves, and praying to God to forgive them, as committed against him: if any man have a quarrel against any; let him be who he will, high or low, rich or poor, of whatsoever age, state, or condition, and let his quarrel or com”
- Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 4:32: 4:32 Forgiving fellow believers is a natural and good response to experiencing God’s forgiving grace in Christ (cp. Col 3:12-13; 1 Jn 4:19).”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 18:19: Note, 1. Great care must be taken to prevent quarrels among relations, and those that are under special obligation to each other, not only because they are most unnatural and unbecoming, but because between such things are commonly taken most unkindly, and resentments are apt to be carried too far. Wisdom and grace would indeed make it most easy to us to forgive our relations and friends if they offend us, but corruption makes it most difficult to forgive them; let us therefore take heed of disobliging a brother, or one that has been as a brother; ingratitude i”
- Matthew (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Matthew 6:12: 6:12 as we have forgiven (see also 6:14-15; 18:21-35): Forgiving others is a reflection of a repentant, regenerate heart, which makes our own forgiveness possible. Those who have experienced God’s forgiveness will forgive. Jesus implies that those who are unwilling to forgive have not perceived God’s mercy, and perhaps have never truly repented.”
- Colossians (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on Colossians 3:13: Forbearing one another - Avoid all occasions of irritating or provoking each other. Forgiving one another - If ye receive offense, be instantly ready to forgive on the first acknowledgment of the fault. Even as Christ forgave you - Who required no satisfaction, and sought for nothing in you but the broken, contrite heart, and freely forgave you as soon as you returned to Him. No man should for a moment harbour ill will in his heart to any; but the offended party is not called actually to forgive, till the offender, with sorrow, acknowledges his fault. He should ”
- Romans (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Romans 15:7: 15:7 To accept each other means more than grudgingly putting up with each other. We are to welcome other believers, with all their flaws and sins, into our fellowship and treat them as family (see study note on 12:10), just as Christ has accepted us, with all our flaws and sins, into his fellowship and family (5:8-11).”