Reasons for Resistance to Seeking Help in Marriage Struggles
Biblical texts and theological traditions offer various insights into human nature and relational dynamics that can illuminate reasons why individuals might resist seeking help in marriage struggles. one tradition reasons often stem from deeply ingrained human tendencies, societal pressures, or specific interpretations of Christian teachings.
One significant factor can be a sense of self-centeredness, which manifests as complaining and arguing within a relationship. The Apostle Paul, in Philippians 2:14, advises believers to "do all things without grumbling or disputing" (ESV). Commentators note that such complaining and arguing frequently arise from self-centeredness, contrasting with the call for sacrificial love among believers [5, 9]. This self-focus can prevent individuals from acknowledging their role in marital difficulties or from seeking external assistance, as it might require confronting personal shortcomings.
Another reason for resistance can be a desire for ease and avoidance of trouble. The parable of the persistent widow in Luke 18:1-8 illustrates a judge who grants justice not out of duty or compassion, but to avoid being wearied by the widow's "continual coming" [8]. While this parable primarily teaches about persistent prayer, it also highlights a human inclination to avoid discomfort. In a marital context, seeking help often involves confronting uncomfortable truths, admitting vulnerability, and committing to difficult changes, which some may resist in favor of maintaining a troubled but familiar status quo.
The concept of "wantonness" or a focus on carnal desires can also contribute to resistance. In 1 Timothy 5:11, Paul discusses younger widows who, "when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry" [1]. John Gill interprets this as these widows living a "wanton, loose, and licentious life" due to ease and lack of labor, contrary to Christ's commands [2]. While this passage specifically addresses widows, the underlying principle of prioritizing personal desires and ease over spiritual or relational discipline can apply to marital struggles. A focus on self-gratification or a "licentious life" can lead individuals to neglect the hard work required to maintain a healthy marriage or to seek help when problems arise. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown commentary suggests that remarriage for younger widows is recommended as an "antidote to sexual passion, idleness, and t" [3], implying that unchecked desires and idleness can lead to problematic behaviors.
Furthermore, the perceived burden or affliction of a difficult spouse can lead to a desire to escape rather than to seek reconciliation or help. Matthew Henry, commenting on Proverbs 21:9, describes the "great affliction it is to a man to have a brawling scolding woman for his wife" [7]. Such a situation, he notes, can make a home "unsociable" and vexatious. While Henry's commentary focuses on the impact of a contentious spouse, the sentiment of being afflicted by a partner can lead individuals to withdraw, become resentful, or seek relief through separation rather than engaging in the difficult process of seeking help to resolve the conflict. The emotional toll of a "brawling" spouse might make the prospect of therapy or counseling seem like an additional, unbearable burden.
The early Christian understanding of marriage and singleness, as articulated by Paul in 1 Corinthians 7, also provides context. Paul suggests that single people have "fewer everyday problems than married people" and can devote themselves "more fully to serving Christ" [6]. While not directly addressing resistance to seeking help, this perspective highlights that marriage inherently brings "earthly responsibilities and divided interests" [6]. The weight of these responsibilities and the "divided interests" might make the prospect of adding the perceived burden of counseling or intervention seem overwhelming, leading some to avoid it. The idea that marriage introduces complications might make individuals hesitant to add another layer of complexity by involving external help.
Moreover, a sense of covenant and commitment, while foundational to marriage, can paradoxically contribute to resistance. Malachi 2:14 speaks of the "wife of thy youth" and the "covenant" of marriage, emphasizing God as a witness to this sacred bond [4]. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown commentary notes that marriage is called "the covenant of God" (Proverbs 2:17) and that sin against a wife is a "sin against God" [4]. This strong emphasis on the covenant nature of marriage can lead to a feeling that marital struggles are deeply personal and private matters, perhaps even a failure of one's spiritual commitment, which should not be exposed to outsiders. The shame or guilt associated with marital difficulties, especially within a covenantal framework, might deter individuals from seeking help, fearing judgment or the public acknowledgment of their struggles.
Sources
- King James Version “[KJV] 1 Timothy 5:11 — But the younger widows refuse: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ, they will marry;”
- 1 Timothy (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Timothy 5:11: But the younger widows refuse,.... To admit them into the number of widows relieved by the church; partly because they are fit for labour, and so can take care of themselves; and partly because they may marry, as the apostle afterwards advises they should, and so would have husbands to take care of them: for when they have begun to wax wanton against Christ; that is, being at ease, and without labour, live a wanton, loose, and licentious life, and in carnal lusts and pleasures, contrary to the commands of Christ, and to the reproach and dishonour of his name: t”
- 1 Timothy (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on 1 Timothy 5:14: younger women--rather, as ellipsis ought to be supplied, "the younger widows," namely younger widows in general, as distinguished from the older widows taken on the roll of presbyteresses (Ti1 5:9). The "therefore" means seeing that young widows are exposed to such temptations, "I will," or "desire," &c. (Ti1 5:11-13). The precept here that they should marry again is not inconsistent with Co1 7:40; for the circumstances of the two cases were distinct (compare Co1 7:26). Here remarriage is recommended as an antidote to sexual passion, idleness, and t”
- Malachi (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Malachi 2:14: Wherefore?--Why does God reject our offerings? Lord . . . witness between thee and . . . wife--(so Gen 31:49-50). of thy youth--The Jews still marry very young, the husband often being but thirteen years of age, the wife younger (Pro 5:18; Isa 54:6). wife of thy covenant--not merely joined to thee by the marriage covenant generally, but by the covenant between God and Israel, the covenant-people, whereby a sin against a wife, a daughter of Israel, is a sin against God [MOORE]. Marriage also is called "the covenant of God" (Pro 2:17), and to it t”
- Phil (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Phil 2:14: 2:14 Complaining and arguing arise from self-centeredness (see 1 Cor 10:10; 1 Pet 4:9; Jude 1:16), whereas believers are called to sacrificial love (Phil 2:4).”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 7:25: 7:25-35 Paul gives three reasons why it is generally preferable for single people to remain unmarried. First, single people have fewer everyday problems than married people. Second, because the end is near, Christians ought not let marriage and the things of the world be their dominant concerns. Their primary concern should be Christ and eternity. Third, because marriage brings earthly responsibilities and divided interests, those who choose to remain single can devote their lives more fully to serving Christ.”
- Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 21:9: See here, 1. What a great affliction it is to a man to have a brawling scolding woman for his wife, who upon every occasion, and often upon no occasion, breaks out into a passion, and chides either him or those about her, is fretful to herself and furious to her children and servants, and, in both, vexatious to her husband. If a man has a wide house, spacious and pompous, this will embitter the comfort of it to him - a house of society (so the word is), in which a man may be sociable, and entertain his friends; this will make both him and his house unsociable, a”
- Luke (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Luke 18:5: Yet because this widow troubleth me,.... By often knocking at his door, by loud cries and earnest entreaties, with strong arguments, and floods of tears, and could not easily be removed from his presence, or got out of his house: I will avenge her; I will hear her cause, do her justice, and deliver her from her troublesome adversary: lest by her continual coming she weary me: so that it was not from a conscience of duty in him, as a judge, or from a commiseration of the poor widow's case; but from a selfish end, for his own ease, in perfect agreement to his characte”
- Philippians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Philippians 2:14: 2:14 Complaining and arguing arise from self-centeredness (see 1 Cor 10:10; 1 Pet 4:9; Jude 1:16), whereas believers are called to sacrificial love (Phil 2:4).”