Setting Boundaries After Forgiving a Hurtful Relationship
Forgiveness, in a Christian context, involves forbearing and forgiving others, just as Christ forgave believers [1]. However, the act of forgiveness does not necessarily preclude the establishment of boundaries, particularly in relationships that have been hurtful. While reconciliation signifies a change from enmity to friendship [2], it is not always immediately possible or advisable, especially when one party remains unrepentant or continues to cause harm.
The concept of setting boundaries after forgiveness can be understood by distinguishing between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is primarily an internal act of releasing resentment and bitterness towards the offender. It is a personal response to hurt, reflecting the divine pattern of God's forgiveness [1]. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is a mutual process that requires both parties to change their disposition towards each other [2]. It involves a restoration of trust and a renewed relationship, which may not be feasible if the offending party has not demonstrated a genuine change in behavior or attitude.
Biblical and theological traditions acknowledge situations where separation or boundaries are necessary even after forgiveness. For instance, in cases of marital infidelity, while forgiveness is encouraged, the possibility of divorce and subsequent remarriage for the innocent party is discussed in some interpretations [7]. Similarly, the Apostle Paul, while not allowing for divorce except in cases of fornication, acknowledges that a wife might depart from her husband and, if so, should remain unmarried, implying a continued separation without necessarily dissolving the marriage bond entirely [5].
Jewish tradition also provides examples of necessary separation. Maimonides, for instance, states that a man who divorced his wife should not live in the same courtyard as she, to prevent promiscuity, indicating a need for physical boundaries even after the legal dissolution of a relationship [4]. This suggests that while the legal or emotional ties may be severed or altered, practical boundaries are essential for well-being and to prevent further harm.
The patristic writer Tertullian discusses situations where a spouse might be "divorced" in a spiritual sense due to their actions, even if a legal divorce is not possible, highlighting a distinction between the spiritual state and the practical realities of a relationship [3]. Augustine, too, speaks of a mistress being "torn from my side as an impediment to my marriage," indicating a necessary separation for his spiritual journey, even if it caused him pain [6].
Therefore, while forgiveness is a core Christian virtue, it does not obligate an individual to remain in a harmful situation or to restore a relationship to its previous level of intimacy without appropriate safeguards. Setting boundaries can be a necessary step for self-preservation and spiritual health, allowing for personal healing while still extending forgiveness to the one who caused hurt.
Sources
- King James Version “[KJV] Colossians 3:13 — Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Reconcilation — A change from enmity to friendship. It is mutual, i.e., it is a change wrought in both parties who have been at enmity. (1.) In Col. 1:21, 22, the word there used refers to a change wrought in the personal character of the sinner who ceases to be an enemy to God by wicked works, and yields up to him his full confidence and love. In 2 Cor. 5:20 the apostle beseeches the Corinthians to be "reconciled to God", i.e., to lay aside their enmity. (2.) Rom. 5:10 refers not to any change in our disposition toward God, but to God himself, as the party reconcile”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 4: Tertullian IV, Minucius Felix, Commodian, Origen — CHAP. X.--ST. PAUL'S TEACHING ON THE SUBJECT. (part 2): true sense divorced him, so far as in her lies; and indeed the more iniquitously--inasmuch as (she did it) as far as was in her power--because she had no power (to do it); and with the more indignity, inasmuch as it is with more indignity if (her reason for doing it is) because he did not deserve it. Or else shall we, pray, cease to be after death, according to (the teaching of) some Epicurus, and not according to (that of) Christ? But if we believe the resurrection of the dead”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Forbidden Intercourse 21:27: Similarly, a person who divorced his wife after they were married 69 If, however, the woman was merely consecrated, the couple will not have shared familiarity and there is less grounds for suspicion, as mentioned at the conclusion of the halachah. should not live in the same courtyard as she, lest this lead to promiscuity. 70 In the Talmudic era, the custom was to build blocks of homes that opened up to a communal courtyard. Several of these courtyards would open up to a single lane. If a man and his divorcee would dwel”
- 1 Corinthians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 Corinthians 7:11: But and if she depart,.... This is said, not as allowing of such a departure, which only in case of fornication is lawful; but supposing it a fact, that a woman cannot be prevailed upon to stay with her husband, but actually forsakes him upon some difference arising between them, let her remain unmarried: she ought not to marry another man; her departure does not make the marriage void; nor is it to be made void by any difference between them, either on religious or civil accounts, only in case of adultery; and therefore, if upon such separation she marries, ”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. XV. -- HE DISMISSES ONE MISTRESS, AND: CHOOSES ANOTHER. 25. Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my mistress being torn from my side as an impediment to my marriage, my heart, which clave to her, was racked, and wounded, and bleeding. And she went back to Africa, making a vow unto Thee never to know another man, leaving with me my natural son by her. But I, unhappy one, who could not imitate a woman, impatient of delay, since it was not until two years' time I was to obtain her I sought, -- being not so much a lover of marriage as a”
- Matthew (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Matthew 5:32: But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery--that is, drives her into it in case she marries again. and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced--for anything short of conjugal infidelity. committeth adultery--for if the commandment is broken by the one party, it must be by the other also. But see on Mat 19:4-9. Whether the innocent party, after a just divorce, may lawfully marry again, is not treated of here. The Church of Rome says, No; but the Greek and Protes”