Should a Christian Help Those Who Disobey Their Parents

The question of whether a Christian should help those who disobey their parents involves navigating biblical commands regarding filial obedience alongside broader Christian principles of compassion and aid. Scripture clearly establishes that children are to obey their parents in all things, as this is pleasing to the Lord ^{[3, 5, 6]}. This obedience is not merely a suggestion but a duty, with parents holding God-given authority ^[12].

Biblical Foundations for Filial Obedience

The Bible consistently emphasizes the importance of children honoring and obeying their parents. Colossians 3:20 states, "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord" ^[3]. Similarly, Ephesians 6:1 exhorts children to "obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right" ^[11]. This command is rooted in the Old Testament, where honoring one's father and mother is the first commandment with a promise attached: "that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land" (Ephesians 6:2-3, referencing Exodus 20:12) ^[5].

Parents are entrusted by God with the responsibility to raise their children, to love them, and to instruct them in God's word and ways ^[1]. They are to train them up for God, teach them about His judgments and miraculous works, and command them to obey God ^[1]. Conversely, children are expected to attend to parental teaching, fear their parents, and make their parents' hearts glad ^{[5, 6]}. Disobedience to parents is viewed seriously, with the Lord promising blessings for obedience and an "inevitable curse" for the rebellious and disobedient, even pronouncing a sentence of death upon them in the Law ^[10].

The New Testament also presents Christ as an example of filial obedience, noting that He was submissive to His parents ^[6]. The spirit of obedience is considered a requisite for submission to God ^[5].

Navigating Disobedience and Aid

While the biblical mandate for children to obey their parents is clear, the question of helping disobedient children introduces complexities. The Bible does not explicitly forbid helping a disobedient child, but rather focuses on the child's duty and the parents' role. However, Christian tradition offers guidance on how to approach situations where a child is in rebellion.

One perspective emphasizes the parental role in reproof and discipline. God Himself gives reproof to His own children, and Christ gives reproof in love ^[4]. Parents are expected to judiciously train their children and discipline them gently ^{[6, 11]}. This suggests that the primary response to a child's disobedience, particularly while they are still under parental authority, should come from the parents themselves, often involving correction aimed at restoring obedience.

However, the Christian call to compassion and aid extends broadly. The Bible frequently highlights the importance of helping those in need, particularly the vulnerable. For instance, God is described as a father to the fatherless and a helper to them, executing judgment for them and punishing those who oppress them ^[2]. While this specifically refers to orphans, it establishes a principle of divine care for those who lack parental protection or are in distress. Christians are called to visit the afflicted and to defend those who are wronged ^[2].

When considering an adult child who disobeys their parents, the situation becomes more nuanced. The command to obey parents is generally understood to apply most directly to children living under their parents' authority. However, the principle of honoring parents (Exodus 20:12) is lifelong. Matthew Henry, a Nonconformist commentator, notes the "absurdity and wickedness" of children who believe it is not their duty to maintain their parents in some cases, or who rob them by wasting their resources or incurring debts for their parents to pay ^[13]. This suggests that even adult children have ongoing responsibilities towards their parents.

The Role of Love and Reproof

Adam Clarke, a Methodist commentator, describes a loving father who "spends all he has upon his children, and expends his own strength and life in providing for them" ^[8]. one tradition notes that sometimes, "disobedient children love them less, in proportion as their love to them is increased" ^[8]. This highlights the unconditional nature of parental love, even in the face of disobedience. While this passage speaks to parental love, it can inform the broader Christian attitude towards those who are struggling, even if their struggles stem from their own disobedience. The Christian response is often characterized by persistent love and a desire for their well-being and repentance.

The concept of reproof is also relevant. Reproof is given by God to His children and to the wicked, often on account of impenitence, lack of understanding, hardness of heart, fearfulness, unbelief, vain boasting, or hypocrisy ^[4]. If a disobedient child is in need, offering help might be accompanied by loving reproof, aimed at guiding them back to righteous conduct and reconciliation with their parents, if appropriate. This aligns with the idea that Christians should be "missionaries" in their daily lives, following the example of Christ ^[7].

Distinguishing Between Different Forms of Disobedience and Need

It is crucial to distinguish between different scenarios of "disobedience."

Minor infractions by a child still under parental authority: In such cases, the primary responsibility for correction lies with the parents. External intervention might undermine parental authority, which is contrary to biblical teaching ^[12].
Adult children making poor choices that lead to hardship: Here, the situation is more complex. While the adult child is responsible for their choices, Christian charity often compels believers to help those in genuine need, regardless of the cause of their distress. However, such help might be offered with wisdom, perhaps encouraging reconciliation with parents or addressing the root causes of the disobedience. The goal would be restorative, not enabling.
Disobedience that involves harm to parents: The Bible strongly condemns actions that defraud or do violence to parents ^{[13, 2]}. Helping a child who is actively harming their parents would be contrary to Christian ethics. In such cases, the priority would be to protect the parents and encourage the child to repent and seek reconciliation.
Disobedience related to religious calling: Aquinas discusses whether one should be withdrawn from entering religious life out of deference to parents ^[9]. He concludes that it is unlawful for a person with children to enter religious life in a way that completely sets aside care for their children, unless provision is made for them ^[9]. This illustrates that even in matters of spiritual calling, the duty to parents holds weight, and abandoning parental responsibilities is not condoned.

Prudence and Wisdom

Christian tradition emphasizes prudence and wisdom in offering help. Helping someone who is disobedient should not be interpreted as condoning their disobedience or undermining parental authority. Instead, it should be an act of love aimed at their ultimate good, which includes their spiritual well-being and their reconciliation with God and, where appropriate, with their parents.

The principle of "tough love" might apply in some situations, where help is contingent on the individual taking steps towards responsibility or repentance. The goal is not merely to alleviate immediate suffering but to foster long-term flourishing and adherence to biblical principles.

Sources

Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Parents — Receive their children from God -- Ge 33:5; 1Sa 1:27; Ps 127:3. Their duty to their children is To love them. -- Tit 2:4. To bring them to Christ. -- Mt 19:13,14. To train them up for God. -- Pr 22:6; Eph 6:4. To instruct them in God's word. -- De 4:9; 11:19; Isa 38:19. To tell them of God's judgments. -- Joe 1:3. To tell them of the miraculous works of God. -- Ex 10:2; Ps 78:4. To command them to obey God. -- De 32:46; 1Ch 28:9. To bless them. -- Ge 48:15; Heb 11:20. To pity them. -- Ps 103:13. To provide for them. -- Job 42:15; 2Co 12:14; 1Ti 5:8. To rule”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Fatherless — Find mercy in God -- Ho 14:3. God will Be a father of. -- Ps 68:5. Be a helper of. -- Ps 10:14. Hear the cry of. -- Ex 22:23. Execute the judgment of. -- De 10:18; Ps 10:18. Punish those who oppress. -- Ex 22:24; Isa 10:1-3; Mal 3:5. Punish those who judge not. -- Jer 5:28,29. Visit in affliction -- Jas 1:27. Let them share in our blessings -- De 14:29. Defend -- Ps 82:3; Isa 1:17. Wrong not, in judgment -- De 24:17. Defraud not -- Pr 23:10. Afflict not -- Ex 22:22. Oppress not -- Zec 7:10. Do no violence to -- Jer 22:3. Blessedness of taking care of -- ”
Colossians “Colossians 3:20 (BSB) — Children, obey your parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Reproof — God gives reproof to his own children -- 2Sa 7:14; Job 5:17; Ps 94:12; 119:67,71,75; Heb 12:6,7. God gives, to the wicked -- Ps 50:21; Isa 51:20. Christ sent to give -- Isa 2:4; 11:3. The Holy Spirit gives -- Joh 16:7,8. Christ gives, in love -- Re 3:19. On account of Impenitence. -- Mt 11:20-24. Not understanding. -- Mt 16:9,11; Mr 7:18; Lu 24:25; Joh 8:43; 13:7,8. Hardness of heart. -- Mr 8:17; 16:14. Fearfulness. -- Mr 4:40; Lu 24:37,38. Unbelief. -- Mt 17:17,20; Mr 16:14. Vain boasting. -- Lu 22:34. Hypocrisy. -- Mt 15:7; 23:13. Reviling Christ. -- Lu 2”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Children, Good — The Lord is with -- 1Sa 3:19. Know the Scriptures -- 2Ti 3:15. Observe the law of God -- Pr 28:7. Their obedience to parents is well pleasing to God -- Col 3:20. Partake of the promises of God -- Ac 2:39. Shall be blessed -- Pr 3:1-4; Eph 6:2,3. Show love to parents -- Ge 46:29. Obey parents -- Ge 28:7; 47:30. Attend to parental teaching -- Pr 13:1. Take care of parents -- Ge 45:9,11; 47:12. Make their parents' hearts glad -- Pr 10:1; 29:17. Honour the aged -- Job 32:6,7. Adduced as a motive for submission to God -- Heb 12:9. Spirit of, a requisite f”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Children — Christ was an example to -- Lu 2:51; Joh 19:26,27. Are a gift from God -- Ge 33:5; Ps 127:3. Are capable of glorifying God -- Ps 8:2; 148:12,13; Mt 21:15,16. Should be Brought to Christ. -- Mr 10:13-16. Brought early to the house of God. -- 1Sa 1:24. Instructed in the ways of God. -- De 31:12,13; Pr 22:6. Judiciously trained. -- Pr 22:15; 29:17; Eph 6:4. Should Obey God. -- De 30:2. Fear God. -- Pr 24:21. Remember God. -- Ec 12:1. Attend to parental teaching. -- Pr 1:8,9. Honour parents. -- Ex 20:12; Heb 12:9. Fear parents. -- Le 19:3. Obey parents. -- Pr ”
Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Missionaries, All Christians Should Be As — After the example of Christ -- Ac 10:38. Women and children as well as men -- Ps 8:2; Pr 31:26; Mt 21:15,16; Php 4:3; 1Ti 5:10; Tit 2:3-5; 1Pe 3:1. The zeal of idolaters should provoke to -- Jer 7:18. The zeal of hypocrites should provoke to -- Mt 23:15. An imperative duty -- Jdj 5:23; Lu 19:40. The principle on which -- 2Co 5:14,15. However weak they may be -- 1Co 1:27. From their calling as saints -- Ex 19:6; 1Pe 2:9. As faithful stewards -- 1Pe 4:10,11. In youth -- Ps 71:17; 148:12,13. In old age -- De 32:7; Ps 71:18. In”
2 Corinthians (Methodist/Wesleyan) “Adam Clarke on 2 Corinthians 12:15: And I will very gladly spend and be spent for you - I will continue to act as a loving father, who spends all he has upon his children, and expends his own strength and life in providing for them the things necessary for their preservation and comfort. Though the more abundantly I love you - I will even act towards you with the most affectionate tenderness, though it happen to me, as it often does to loving fathers, that their disobedient children love them less, in proportion as their love to them is increased. Does it not frequently happen that the most di”
theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of the Entrance Into Religious Life, Art. 6: Article: Whether one ought to be withdrawn from entering religion through deference to one's parents? I answer that, As stated above (Question [101], Article [2], ad 2) when we were treating of piety, parents as such have the character of a principle, wherefore it is competent to them as such to have the care of their children. Hence it is unlawful for a person having children to enter religion so as altogether to set aside the care for their children, namely without prov”
CCEL (Reformed) “John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, section 44: as it is a blessing from God, and that it is a blessing only in so far as it is a manifestation of divine favour. This, however, he testifies and truly manifests to his servants more richly and substantially by death. 38. Moreover, while the Lord promises the blessing of present life to children who show proper respect to their parents, he, at the same time, intimates that an inevitable curse is impending over the rebellious and disobedient; and, that it may not fail of execution, he, in his Law, pronounces sentence of death upon t”
Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 6:1: 6:1-4 The relationship between parents and children is to be a reflection of their devotion to the Lord. Christian children are to obey their parents, and Christian parents are to discipline their children gently (see Col 3:20-21).”
Ephesians (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Ephesians 6:1: Here we have further directions concerning relative duties, in which the apostle is very particular. I. The duty of children to their parents. Come, you children, hearken to me, I will teach you the fear of the Lord. The great duty of children is to obey their parents (Eph 6:1), parents being the instruments of their being, God and nature having given them an authority to command, in subserviency to God; and, if children will be obedient to their pious parents, they will be in a fair way to be pious as they are. That obedience which God demands from their childr”
Proverbs (Nonconformist/Puritan) “Matthew Henry on Proverbs 28:24: As Christ shows the absurdity and wickedness of those children who think it is no duty, in some cases, to maintain their parents (Mat 15:5), so Solomon here shows the absurdity and wickedness of those who think it is no sin to rob their parents, either by force or secretly, by wheedling them or threatening them, or by wasting what they have, and (which is no better than robbing them) running into debt and leaving them to pay it. Now, 1. This is commonly made light of by untoward children; they say, "It is no transgression, for it will be our own shortly, our pa”

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