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Steps for Repentance and Restoring Harm in Relationships

Repentance, in its fullest biblical sense, involves a change of mind, purpose, and life, leading to the remission of sin [4]. This transformation is not merely regret or remorse, but a fundamental reorientation of one's disposition and actions [4]. The New Testament uses the Greek word metanoeo and its cognate noun metanoia to describe this true repentance, distinguishing it from metamelomai, which denotes regret without necessarily a change of heart, as seen in Judas's remorse [4].

Repentance is a divine command for all people [7]. The prophet Ezekiel urged, "Repent, then, and turn away from all your offenses; then sin will not be your downfall" (Ezekiel 18:30). Similarly, the Apostle Peter exhorted his audience to "Repent, then, and turn back, so that your sins may be wiped away" (Acts 3:19). This call to repentance is not limited to specific individuals but is extended universally [7]. Christ himself called sinners to repentance (Matthew 9:13), and he is exalted to give it (Acts 5:31) [7]. The Holy Spirit also plays a role in bringing about repentance (Zechariah 12:10) [7].

The process of repentance is often prompted by God's long-suffering, goodness, and even chastisements [7]. For instance, God's patience is intended to lead people to repentance (2 Peter 3:9, Romans 2:4) [7]. When facing the devastation of divine judgment, repentance and prayer are considered appropriate responses [9]. Indeed, repentance is presented as key to receiving salvation [10].

In the context of relationships, repentance is closely linked with reconciliation and the restoration of harm. Reconciliation signifies a change from enmity to friendship, a mutual process involving both parties [1]. In Colossians 1:21-22, reconciliation refers to a change in the sinner's character, moving from enmity toward God to trust and love [1]. Similarly, 2 Corinthians 5:20 urges believers to "be reconciled to God," implying a laying aside of enmity [1].

When harm has been caused in a relationship, the steps toward repentance and restoration often involve several actions:

  1. Acknowledging the Offense: The first step is to recognize and acknowledge the wrong committed. This aligns with the biblical understanding of repentance as a change of mind regarding one's actions [4].

  2. Confession: James 5:16 instructs believers to "Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed." This emphasizes the importance of open and honest admission of wrongdoing to the offended party [2]. This confession is not merely an admission of guilt but an expression of sorrow for the harm caused.

  3. Seeking Forgiveness: Following confession, seeking forgiveness is a crucial step. The Geneva Bible translation of Acts 8:22 encourages, "Repent therefore of this thy wickednes, and pray God, that if it be possible, the thought of thine heart may be forgiuen thee" [3]. This highlights the need to ask for divine forgiveness, and by extension, forgiveness from those who have been wronged.

  4. Making Restitution: While not explicitly detailed in all sources, the concept of "redemption" in the Bible, meaning the purchase back of something lost by paying a ransom, provides a theological framework for understanding restitution [5]. Although primarily referring to Christ's work, the principle of making amends for harm caused is consistent with biblical justice. For instance, the Old Testament law often required restitution for various offenses (e.g., Exodus 22:1-15, Leviticus 6:1-7). While not always possible to fully "redeem" what was lost in relational harm, efforts to mitigate the damage and make amends are part of the restorative process.

  5. Changing Behavior: True repentance involves a change of mind and purpose, leading to a change in life [4]. This means actively turning away from the behavior that caused harm and committing to new, constructive actions. This is reflected in the concept of "backsliding," which is defined as turning from God and leaving one's first love, indicating that a genuine change of heart involves sustained obedience and faithfulness [6].

  6. Pursuing Reconciliation: Matthew 18:15-35 outlines a process for addressing conflict within the believing community, emphasizing the pursuit of reconciliation and willing forgiveness [11]. The passage suggests that restoration should begin privately, with the offended party going to the one who sinned to point out the offense [11]. This private approach aims to resolve issues without public exposure unless absolutely necessary [11]. The goal is to prevent the community from being fractured by unreconciled relationships [11].

  7. Avoiding Revenge: The process of restoration also requires the offended party to avoid revenge. Scripture explicitly forbids revenge, instead encouraging trust in God, love, forbearance, and blessing those who have wronged us [8]. This principle is crucial for fostering an environment where repentance and reconciliation can genuinely occur.

The concept of repentance is not merely a human effort but is often initiated and enabled by God. As Jamieson, Fausset & Brown note on Jeremiah 31:19, "Repentance in the full sense follows, not precedes, our being turned to God by God" [12]. They further explain that repentance is a "tear that flows from the eye of faith turned to Jesus," and that God himself gives it [12]. This highlights the divine enablement necessary for genuine repentance and, consequently, for the restoration of relationships. God's Spirit often works through the corrections of His providence to instruct and lead individuals to repentance [12].

Sources

  1. Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Reconcilation — A change from enmity to friendship. It is mutual, i.e., it is a change wrought in both parties who have been at enmity. (1.) In Col. 1:21, 22, the word there used refers to a change wrought in the personal character of the sinner who ceases to be an enemy to God by wicked works, and yields up to him his full confidence and love. In 2 Cor. 5:20 the apostle beseeches the Corinthians to be "reconciled to God", i.e., to lay aside their enmity. (2.) Rom. 5:10 refers not to any change in our disposition toward God, but to God himself, as the party reconcile”
  2. James “Confess your offenses to one another, and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The insistent prayer of a righteous person is powerfully effective. -- James 5:16”
  3. Acts “Acts 8:22 (Geneva1599) — Repent therefore of this thy wickednes, and pray God, that if it be possible, the thought of thine heart may be forgiuen thee.”
  4. Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Repentance — There are three Greek words used in the New Testament to denote repentance. (1.) The verb metamelomai is used of a change of mind, such as to produce regret or even remorse on account of sin, but not necessarily a change of heart. This word is used with reference to the repentance of Judas (Matt. 27:3). (2.) Metanoeo, meaning to change one's mind and purpose, as the result of after knowledge. This verb, with (3) the cognate noun metanoia, is used of true repentance, a change of mind and purpose and life, to which remission of sin is promised. Evangelical”
  5. Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Redemption — The purchase back of something that had been lost, by the payment of a ransom. The Greek word so rendered is apolutrosis, a word occurring nine times in Scripture, and always with the idea of a ransom or price paid, i.e., redemption by a lutron (see Matt. 20:28; Mark 10:45). There are instances in the LXX. Version of the Old Testament of the use of lutron in man's relation to man (Lev. 19:20; 25:51; Ex. 21:30; Num. 35:31, 32; Isa. 45:13; Prov. 6:35), and in the same sense of man's relation to God (Num. 3:49; 18:15). There are many passages in the New Tes”
  6. Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Backsliding — Is turning from God -- 1Ki 11:9. Is leaving the first love -- Re 2:4. Is departing form the simplicity of the gospel -- 2Co 11:3; Ga 3:1-3; 5:4,7. God is displeased at -- Ps 78:57,59. Warnings against -- Ps 85:8; 1Co 10:12. Guilt and consequences of -- Nu 14:43; Ps 125:5; Isa 59:2,9-11; Jer 5:6; 8:5,13; 15:6; Lu 9:62. Brings its own punishment -- Pr 14:14; Jer 2:19. A haughty spirit leads to -- Pr 16:18. Proneness to -- Pr 24:16; Ho 11:7. Liable to continue and increase -- Jer 8:5; 14:7. Exhortations to return from -- 2Ch 30:6; Isa 31:6; Jer 3:12,14,22;”
  7. Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Repentance — What it is -- Isa 45:22; Mt 6:19-21; Ac 14:15; 2Co 5:17; Col 3:2; 1Th 1:9; Heb 12:1,2. Commanded to all by God -- Eze 18:30-32; Ac 17:30. Commanded by Christ -- Re 2:5,16; 3:3. Given by God -- Ac 11:18; 2Ti 2:25. Christ came to call sinners to -- Mt 9:13. Christ exalted to give -- Ac 5:31. By the operation of the Holy Spirit -- Zec 12:10. Called repentance to life -- Ac 11:18. Called repentance to salvation -- 2Co 7:10. We should be led to, by The long-suffering of God. -- Ge 6:3; 1Pe 3:20; 2Pe 3:9. The goodness of God. -- Ro 2:4. The chastisements of Go”
  8. Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Revenge — Forbidden by our Lord -- Le 19:18; Pr 24:17,29; Mt 5:39-41; Ro 12:17,19; 1Th 5:15; 1Pe 3:9. Christ an example of forbearing -- Isa 53:7; 1Pe 2:23. Rebuked by Christ -- Lu 9:54,55. Inconsistent with Christian spirit -- Lu 9:55. Proceeds from a spiteful heart -- Eze 25:15. Instead of taking, we should Trust in God. -- Pr 20:22; Ro 12:16. Exhibit love. -- Le 19:18; Lu 6:35. Give place to wrath. -- Ro 12:19. Exercise forbearance. -- Mt 5:38-41. Bless. -- Ro 12:14. Overcome others by kindness. -- Pr 25:21,22; Ro 12:20. Keep others from taking -- 1Sa 24:10; 25:24”
  9. Lamentations (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Lamentations 2:18: 2:18-19 Repentance and prayer are the proper responses when facing the devastation of God’s judgment.”
  10. Lamentations (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Lamentations 3:40: 3:40-42 Repentance is the key to receiving salvation (Isa 1:27; Jer 3:22; Ezek 3:21).”
  11. Matthew (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Matthew 18:15: 18:15-35 The believing community must not be fractured into rival parties and unreconciled relationships. Its members are to pursue reconciliation (18:15-20) and forgive willingly (18:21-35). At times, however, stern discipline may be necessary (18:17). 18:15-20 Restoration begins privately and should be made public only as a last resort. 18:15 If another believer sins, love requires us to go privately and point out the offense (Lev 19:17; Luke 17:3; Gal 6:1; 1 Tim 5:20; Titus 3:10).”
  12. Jeremiah (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Jeremiah 31:19: after that I was turned, I repented--Repentance in the full sense follows, not precedes, our being turned to God by God (Zac 12:10). The Jews' "looking to Him whom they pierced" shall result in their "mourning for Him." Repentance is the tear that flows from the eye of faith turned to Jesus. He Himself gives it: we give it not of ourselves, but must come to Him for it (Act 5:31). instructed--made to learn by chastisement. God's Spirit often works through the corrections of His providence. smote upon . . . thigh-- (Eze 21:12). A token of indignan”
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