Struggling to Forgive Unforgiving People in Daily Life
The New Testament commands believers to forgive those who wrong them, yet it offers no exemption for cases where the offender remains unrepentant or continues in hostility. Matthew 6:15 warns that "if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" [4]. This conditional statement does not distinguish between penitent and impenitent offenders; the obligation to forgive appears absolute in its scope, even when the other party shows no remorse.
The Distinction Between Forgiveness and Reconciliation
Scripture does distinguish between the posture of forgiveness and the restoration of relationship. Luke 17:3 instructs, "If he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him" [3]. The repetition clause—"seven times"—addresses repeated offenses followed by repentance, suggesting that reconciliation follows acknowledgment of wrong. Yet the broader command in Matthew 6 makes no such condition for the forgiver's own heart posture [4]. One may release bitterness and relinquish the demand for personal vengeance without pretending the offense never occurred or that trust has been restored.
Colossians 3:13 commands believers to be "forbearing one another, and forgiving one another; if any man have a quarrel against any" [6]. The term "forbearing" implies restraint—choosing not to retaliate or nurse grievance—even when the offender does not seek pardon. This forbearance is not passive tolerance of evil but an active refusal to let another's sin dictate one's own spiritual condition. The text does not require the offended party to declare the relationship healed or to expose themselves to further harm, but it does require the release of malice.
The Theological Ground for Forgiving the Unforgiving
The rationale for this command rests on the believer's own experience of unmerited grace. Matthew 6:12 frames the petition "forgive us our debts, as we have forgiven our debtors" as a reflection of regenerate character [5]. Those who have grasped the magnitude of their own pardon—secured not by their repentance's adequacy but by Christ's sufficiency—find the motive to forgive even when the other party remains hardened. John Gill notes that where a forgiving temper is absent, "it may be concluded of" that the person lacks "right apprehensions of the grace and goodness of God, in the forgiveness of their sins" [4]. The implication is stark: persistent unforgiveness may indicate that one has never truly apprehended divine mercy.
This does not mean that forgiveness is a work that earns salvation, but that it is a fruit that evidences it. The Tyndale commentary on Matthew 6:12 states plainly: "Forgiving others is a reflection of a repentant, regenerate heart, which makes our own forgiveness possible. Those who have experienced God's forgiveness will forgive" [5]. The logic is not transactional but transformational—grace received reshapes the heart to extend grace, even when it is not reciprocated.
The Limits of Human Forgiveness
Scripture does not require believers to forgive on God's behalf or to pronounce absolution for sins committed against God. Exodus 34:7 declares that God is "forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty" [1]. Divine forgiveness operates on terms inaccessible to human judgment; only God can pardon sin against his own holiness. The believer's task is narrower: to release personal grievance and to refuse malice. First Peter 2:1–2 lists malice as "a hindrance to growth in grace" [2], and Colossians 3:8 forbids it outright [2]. The command is not to feel warmth toward an enemy but to refuse the corrosive work of bitterness.
The difficulty intensifies when the unforgiving person continues to harm or slander. Yet Matthew 5:44 commands prayer for persecutors [2], a discipline that redirects the heart from vengeance to intercession. This does not erase the wrong or pretend the offender is safe, but it does prevent the offended party from becoming spiritually malformed by sustained hatred. The act of forgiving an unrepentant person is thus less about the offender's state and more about the believer's refusal to let another's sin become the occasion for their own.
Sources
- King James Version “[KJV] Exodus 34:7 — Keeping mercy for thousands, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, and that will by no means clear the guilty; visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children, and upon the children's children, unto the third and to the fourth generation.”
- Torrey's Topical Textbook “Torrey's Topical Textbook: Malice — Springs from an evil heart -- Mt 15:19,20; Ga 5:19. Forbidden -- 1Co 14:20; Col 3:8; Eph 4:26,27. A hindrance to growth in grace -- 1Pe 2:1,2. Incompatible with the worship of God -- 1Co 5:7,8. Christian liberty not to be a cloak for -- 1Pe 2:16. Saints avoid -- Job 31:29,30; Ps 35:12-14. The wicked Speak with. -- 3Jo 1:10. Live in. -- Tit 3:3. Conceive. -- Ps 7:14. Filled with. -- Ro 1:29. Visit saints with. -- Ps 83:3; Mt 22:6. Pray for those who injure you through -- Mt 5:44. Brings its own punishment -- Ps 7:15,16. God requites -- Ps 10:14; Eze 36:5. Pun”
- Luke (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Luke 17:3: And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day,.... For good men are frequently apt to fall into sin, and offend both God and man; see Pro 24:16 "and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent"; as often as he sins, and appears to be truly sensible of it, and humble for it, and makes acknowledgments of it; and not only barely in words professes his concern for it, but there is reason to believe that he is heartily grieved for it, and to hope that he will behave better for the future: thou shalt forgive him; this seems to be occasioned by Peter's p”
- Matthew (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Matthew 6:15: But if you forgive not men their trespasses,.... On the other hand, where men are not of a forgiving temper to their fellow creatures and fellow Christians, how can they expect forgiveness at the hands of God? or what sense of pardoning grace can there be upon their minds? Had they any right apprehensions of the grace and goodness of God, in the forgiveness of their sins, this would influence their minds, and engage their hearts to forgive such who have offended them: wherefore, where this is wanting, it may be concluded of, and said to such persons, neither will y”
- Matthew (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Matthew 6:12: 6:12 as we have forgiven (see also 6:14-15; 18:21-35): Forgiving others is a reflection of a repentant, regenerate heart, which makes our own forgiveness possible. Those who have experienced God’s forgiveness will forgive. Jesus implies that those who are unwilling to forgive have not perceived God’s mercy, and perhaps have never truly repented.”
- Colossians (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Colossians 3:13: Forbearing one another,.... Not only bearing one another's burdens, and with one another's weaknesses, but forbearing to render evil for evil, or railing for railing, or to seek revenge for affronts given, in whatsoever way, whether by words or deeds: and forgiving one another; all trespasses and offences, so far as committed against themselves, and praying to God to forgive them, as committed against him: if any man have a quarrel against any; let him be who he will, high or low, rich or poor, of whatsoever age, state, or condition, and let his quarrel or com”