The Fear of Intimacy and Closeness in Human Relationships
The biblical tradition does not address "fear of intimacy" as a psychological category but speaks extensively about proper fear within relationships—particularly the fear of God that orders human bonds and the boundaries that protect intimacy from corruption.
Fear as Relational Ordering
Scripture consistently frames relational fear not as avoidance but as reverence that structures closeness. Peter instructs wives to conduct themselves "with fear" [1], and Paul grounds mutual submission among believers "in the fear of Christ" [9]. John Chrysostom interprets this fear as "the not contradicting, the not rebelling, the not being fond of the preëminence," distinguishing it sharply from servile terror: "demand that fear which becomes a free woman, not as though thou wert exacting it of a slave" [3]. This fear establishes hierarchy without destroying intimacy; Chrysostom notes that love, when present, transforms fear into something greater [3]. The tradition thus presents fear not as distance but as the proper posture within closeness.
Boundaries Protecting Intimacy
The Levitical prohibitions on sexual relations within degrees of consanguinity and affinity [2] reflect a concern not with intimacy itself but with its violation. Maimonides codifies this: even non-sexual physical contact with forbidden relations—embracing or kissing—incurs lashes under Scriptural law when done "out of desire" [4]. Yet he distinguishes cases where "his heart does not disturb him concerning the matter"—where there is "no fear that this closeness will lead to intimacy"—calling such contact "very shameful" and "foolish conduct" but not punishable by lashes [8]. The rabbinic tradition thus recognizes that intimacy requires boundaries, and that certain familial bonds must remain non-erotic to preserve their integrity.
Charles Hodge argues that the universal human condemnation of marriage between near relations cannot be explained physiologically but arises from moral intuition: "What all men think to be wrong, must be wrong" [5]. He observes that affinity creates a relationship "of feeling, affection, and intimacy" that persists beyond death, allowing a widower's sister-in-law to "live with him, guide his house, and take charge of his children, without the slightest violation of her self-respect" [6]. The tradition thus protects certain forms of intimacy by prohibiting their sexualization.
Augustine warns that even "persons bound to each other by the greatest affection and intimacy" can become bitter enemies through pride and contention [7], suggesting that intimacy without humility breeds destruction rather than communion.
Sources
- I Peter “I Peter 3:2 (DRC) — Considering your chaste conversation with fear.”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Affinity — Relationship by alliance (2 Chr. 18:1) or by marriage (1 Kings 3:1). Marriages are prohibited within certain degrees of affinity, enumerated Lev. 18:6-17. Consanguinity is relationship by blood.”
- CCEL/NPNF (Eastern Orthodox) “John Chrysostom, Homilies on Galatians–Colossians–Thessalonians: “fear,” demand that fear which becomes a free woman, not as though thou wert exacting it of a slave. For she is thine own body; and if thou do this, thou reproachest thyself in dishonoring thine own body. And of what nature is this “fear”? It is the not contradicting, the not rebelling, the not being fond of the preëminence. It is enough that fear be kept within these bounds. But if thou love, as thou art commanded, thou wilt make it yet greater. Or rather it will not be any longer by fear that thou wilt be doing this, but love i”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Forbidden Intercourse 21:1: Whoever shares physical intimacy with one of the ariyot without actually becoming involved in sexual relations or embraces and kisses [one of them] out of desire 1 Compare to Halachah 6. and derives pleasure from the physical contact should be lashed 2 As evident from Halachah 3, although such acts are forbidden whenever sexual relations are prohibited, lashes are given only when the woman is one of the ariyot ( Maggid Mishneh ). according to Scriptural Law. [This is derived from Leviticus 18:30 which] states: "To refrain”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: the general judgment of mankind. What all men think to be wrong, must be wrong. This unanimity cannot be accounted for, except by assuming that the judgment in which men thus agree is founded on the constitution of their nature, and that constitution is the work of God. There are cases, therefore, in which the “ vox populi ” is the “ vox Dei .” The Ground or Reason of such Prohibitions. The reason why mankind so generally condemn the intermarriage of near relations cannot be physical. Physiology is not taught by instinct. It is, therefore”
- CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 49: the case supposed, is a matter of feeling, affection, and intimacy. This relationship is not dissolved by the death of the person through whom it arose. A wife’s sister continues to cherish to her widowed brother-in-law the same sisterly affection after, as before her sister’s death. She can live with him, guide his house, and take charge of his children, without the slightest violation of her self-respect, and without fear of incurring the disrespect of others. Besides, if relationship by affinity is dissolved by death, then a son may, o”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — LETTER XCV. (part 5): our opinions a desire rather to wound than to correct us: Verily, there arise usually from this cause bitter enmities even between persons bound to each: other by the greatest affection and intimacy, when, "thinking of men above that which is written, any one is puffed up for one against another; "' and while they bite and devour one another, "there is reason to fear lest they be consumed one of another." 2 Therefore, "Oh that I had wings like a dove ! for then would I fly away, and be at rest."3 For whether it be that the d”
- Mishneh Torah (Maimonides) (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Mishneh Torah (Maimonides), Mishneh Torah%2C Forbidden Intercourse 21:6: When a man embraces or kisses any of the women forbidden to him as ariyot despite the fact that his heart does not disturb him concerning the matter, 14 I.e., he has no fear that this closeness will lead to intimacy. e.g., his adult sister, his mother's sister, or the like, it is very shameful. It is forbidden 15 Nevertheless, if one has no pleasure or desire, the act is not punished by lashes [the Rambam's Commentary to the Mishnah ( Sanhedrin 7:3)]. and it is foolish conduct. [This applies] even if he has no desire or p”
- Ephesians (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Ephesians 5:21: (Phi 2:3; Pe1 5:5.) Here he passes from our relations to God, to those which concern our fellow men. in the fear of God--All the oldest manuscripts and authorities read, "in the fear of CHRIST." The believer passes from under the bondage of the law as a letter, to be "the servant of Christ" (Co1 7:22), which, through the instinct of love to Him, is really to be "the Lord's freeman"; for he is "under the law to Christ" (Co1 9:21; compare Joh 8:36). Christ, not the Father (Joh 5:22), is to be our judge. Thus reverential fear of displeasing Him is th”