Understanding and Responding to Fear-Based Defensiveness in Friendships
Fear, in a theological context, is understood in various ways, ranging from a reverential awe of God to a debilitating apprehension that can hinder spiritual growth and interpersonal relationships. The Apostle John states that "perfect love casteth fear, outside; because, fear, hath correction: he that feareth, hath not been made perfect, in love" [2]. This suggests a distinction between different kinds of fear, implying that a love perfected in God can overcome a fear that involves correction or punishment.
Thomas Aquinas, in his Summa Theologica, explains that all fear arises from love, as "no one fears save what is contrary to something he loves" [6]. This means that fear is fundamentally connected to what one values or cherishes. He further notes that fear can stem from a "defect" or lack of power to repel a threatening evil [8]. This perspective suggests that fear-based defensiveness in friendships might arise from a perceived threat to something loved within the friendship, coupled with a feeling of inadequacy to address that threat directly. Daring, conversely, is seen as resulting from hope and is contrary to fear, with anything that raises hope or banishes fear acting as a cause of daring [11].
The concept of fear also appears in the context of respect and reverence. The Apostle Peter encourages wives to have "chaste behavior coupled with fear" [1]. This "fear" is not necessarily a terror, but rather a respectful awe or deference. Similarly, the Babylonian Talmud discusses greeting others "due to fear" or "due to respect," indicating that fear can sometimes be intertwined with social deference or honor [3, 4, 5]. This suggests that some forms of fear-based defensiveness might be rooted in a desire to maintain respect or honor within a relationship, even if expressed in an unhelpful way.
John Gill, commenting on 1 John 4:18, clarifies that the fear cast out by perfect love is not the "filial fear of God," which is a grace consistent with love, but rather the "fear of men" which brings a snare [9]. This distinction is crucial for understanding fear in relationships. A healthy, respectful fear of God is seen as the beginning of wisdom, while an unhealthy fear of others can lead to defensiveness and hinder genuine connection. The Jamieson, Fausset & Brown Commentary on Luke 12:5 emphasizes that only the fear of God can effectively expel the fear of man, highlighting the transformative power of a rightly ordered fear [12].
Augustine, in his Confessions, speaks of finding rest in the love of "most close and intimate friends" without any "disturbing care" [7]. This suggests that true friendship, characterized by deep love and trust, can be a refuge from the anxieties and "scandals of this world," implying that such relationships can help alleviate the kind of fear that leads to defensiveness. Clement of Alexandria connects fear to repentance and hope, noting that hope, which is the expectation of good things, leads to love. He defines love as "fellowship in life" or "the intensity of friendship and of affection," guided by reason [10]. This patristic view suggests that a process of repentance and hope can transform fear into a love that fosters deep, rational friendship.
Sources
- I Peter “I Peter 3:2 (ASV) — beholding your chaste behaviorcoupledwith fear.”
- I John “I John 4:18 (Rotherham) — Fear, existeth not, in love, but, perfect love, casteth fear, outside; because, fear, hath correction: he that feareth, hath not been made perfect, in love.”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Berakhot 128b.26:28: Here too, it must be clarified: He may respond due to what circumstance? If you say that one may respond due to fear; now that we have learned that one may greet another due to fear, is it necessary to say that one may respond due to fear? Rather, it must mean that one may respond to another’s greeting even due to honor. If so, that is identical to the opinion of Rabbi Yehuda, as we learned in the mishna: In the middle of each paragraph, one may greet another due to fear and respond due to respect. At the breaks between paragraphs, one may greet another ”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Berakhot 128a.26:28: Here too, it must be clarified: He may respond due to what circumstance? If you say that one may respond due to fear; now that we have learned that one may greet another due to fear, is it necessary to say that one may respond due to fear? Rather, it must mean that one may respond to another’s greeting even due to honor. If so, that is identical to the opinion of Rabbi Yehuda, as we learned in the mishna: In the middle of each paragraph, one may greet another due to fear and respond due to respect. At the breaks between paragraphs, one may greet another ”
- Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Berakhot 13b.28: Here too, it must be clarified: He may respond due to what circumstance? If you say that one may respond due to fear; now that we have learned that one may greet another due to fear, is it necessary to say that one may respond due to fear? Rather, it must mean that one may respond to another’s greeting even due to honor. If so, that is identical to the opinion of Rabbi Yehuda, as we learned in the mishna: In the middle of each paragraph, one may greet another due to fear and respond due to respect. At the breaks between paragraphs, one may greet another due ”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, Second Part of the Second Part (Secunda Secundae), Of Fear, Art. 2: Article: Whether the sin of fear is contrary to fortitude? I answer that, As stated above (Question [19], Article [3]; FS, Question [43], Article [1]), all fear arises from love; since no one fears save what is contrary to something he loves. Now love is not confined to any particular kind of virtue or vice: but ordinate love is included in every virtue, since every virtuous man loves the good proper to his virtue; while inordinate love is included in every sin, because inordinate love gives use to i”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. III. -- 6. I am not acquainted with the writings speaking injuriously of you, which you tell me have come into Africa.. I have, however, received the reply to these which you have been pleased t (part 4): in the manner in which I ought: for I do not wonder that we are less thoroughly known to each other than we are to our most close and intimate friends. Upon the love of such friends I readily cast myself without reservation, especially when chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world; and in their love I rest without any disturbing ca”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, First Part of the Second Part (Prima Secundae), Of the Cause of Fear, Art. 2: Article: Whether defect is the cause of fear? I answer that, As stated above (Article [1]), fear may be set down to a twofold cause: one is by way of a material disposition, on the part of him that fears; the other is by way of efficient cause, on the part of the person feared. As to the first then, some defect is, of itself, the cause of fear: for it is owing to some lack of power that one is unable easily to repulse a threatening evil. And yet, in order to cause fear, this defect must be ”
- 1 John (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on 1 John 4:18: There is no fear in love,.... In the love of the brethren; where that is, there is no fear: so far as that prevails and gains ground, fear removes; not the filial fear of God, the new covenant grace of fear, which is the beginning of wisdom, and is consistent with faith, hope, love, and spiritual joy; but either the fear of men, which brings a snare: those that truly love Christ, his Gospel, and his people, they are not afraid of men; the spirit of power, love, and of a sound mind, is opposite to a spirit of fear, nor can they stand together; and such strength there i”
- Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “ANF Vol 2: Hermas, Tatian, Theophilus, Athenagoras, Clement of Alexandria — CHAP. IX.--THE CONNECTION OF THE CHRISTIAN VIRTUES. (part 1): Such a fear, accordingly, leads to repentance and hope. Now hope is the expectation of good things, or an expectation sanguine of ab- 357 sent good; and favourable circumstances are assumed in order to good hope, which we have learned leads on to love. Now love turns out to be consent in what pertains to reason, life, and manners, or in brief, fellowship in life, or it is the intensity of friendship and of affection, with fight reason, in the enjoyment of as”
- theology (Catholic (Scholastic)) “Aquinas, Summa Theologica, First Part of the Second Part (Prima Secundae), Of Daring, Art. 3: Article: Whether some defect is a cause of daring? I answer that, As stated above (Articles [1],2) daring results from hope and is contrary to fear: wherefore whatever is naturally apt to cause hope or banish fear, is a cause of daring. Since, however, fear and hope, and also daring, being passions, consist in a movement of the appetite, and in a certain bodily transmutation; a thing may be considered as the cause of daring in two ways, whether by raising hope, or by banishing fear; in one way, in th”
- Luke (Presbyterian) “Jamieson, Fausset & Brown on Luke 12:5: Fear Him . . . Fear Him--how striking the repetition here! Only the one fear would effectually expel the other. after he hath killed, &c.--Learn here--(1) To play false with one's convictions to save one's life, may fail of its end after all, for God can inflict a violent death in some other and equally formidable way. (2) There is a hell, it seems, for the body as well as the soul; consequently, sufferings adapted to the one as well as the other. (3) Fear of hell is a divinely authorized and needed motive of action even to Christ's "friends." (4) As C”