Understanding Why Someone Intentionally Avoids You After Conflict

The act of intentionally avoiding someone after a conflict can stem from various motivations, ranging from a desire to prevent further harm to a strategic maneuver. In some cases, avoidance might be a means of self-preservation or a way to manage an unresolved situation.

One perspective suggests that avoiding someone after a conflict can be a form of concealment, which, depending on the intent, can be seen in different lights. Proverbs 17:9 states, "He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends" ^[1]. This verse implies that sometimes, a deliberate silence or avoidance of repeating a contentious issue can be an attempt to preserve a relationship or foster reconciliation, rather than exacerbate the division. Conversely, repeating a matter can lead to further separation. However, another proverb notes that "One despising his friend lacks heart, but an understanding man remains silent" ^[2], suggesting that silence can also be a sign of understanding rather than disdain.

In legal and ethical discussions, the concept of concealment or avoidance can be viewed strategically. Charles Hodge, in his Systematic Theology, discusses the sentiment among moralists that stratagems in war are allowable, including concealing intentions or misleading an adversary ^[3]. While this context is military, the underlying principle of strategic concealment to achieve a desired outcome—or to prevent an undesirable one—can be applied to interpersonal conflicts. Avoiding a person might be a way to prevent further escalation or to buy time, similar to how a military commander might conceal movements ^[3].

The Babylonian Talmud offers insights into situations where individuals might avoid reporting unintentional damage to escape penalty, highlighting a motivation for concealment or avoidance ^{[4, 5, 7]}. The Sages reasoned that if a fine were imposed even for unintentional damage, the guilty party might not report it to avoid the penalty, leaving the injured party unaware ^{[4, 5, 7]}. This suggests that fear of consequence can drive avoidance. Furthermore, the Talmud discusses the presumption that an unintentional killer who is an enemy of the victim might still be presumed to have acted with intent, even if the act appears unintentional ^{[8, 9, 14]}. This implies that pre-existing enmity can color perceptions of intent and might lead one party to avoid the other to prevent misinterpretation or further accusation.

Augustine, in his Confessions, speaks of casting himself without reservation upon the love of close friends, especially when "chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world," finding rest in their love without disturbance ^[6]. This highlights the human desire for peace and the tendency to seek refuge from conflict. In City of God, Augustine further elaborates that even those who wage war ultimately desire peace through victory ^[10]. This suggests that avoidance, in some instances, might be a means to achieve a form of personal peace or to prevent further "war" in a relationship. He also advises being "kindly disposed" toward an adversary quickly while "in the way with him," to avoid being delivered to a judge ^[11]. This counsel implies that addressing conflict directly and promptly is often preferable to prolonged avoidance, which could lead to more severe consequences.

However, avoidance can also be a temporary measure. The Babylonian Talmud notes that a debtor might deny an entire debt, not out of insolence, but to temporarily avoid paying until they have sufficient funds ^{[12, 13]}. This illustrates a scenario where avoidance is a short-term strategy to manage a difficult situation, with an eventual intention to resolve it.

Sources

Proverbs “Proverbs 17:9 (NASB) — He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.”
Proverbs “Proverbs 11:12 (LITV) — One despising his friend lacks heart, but an understanding man remains silent.”
CCEL (Reformed (Old Princeton)) “Charles Hodge, Systematic Theology, Vol. 3, section 51: sentiment among moralists that stratagems in war are allowable; that it is lawful not only to conceal intended movements from an enemy, but also to mislead him as to your intentions. A great part of the skill of a military commander is evinced in detecting the intentions of his adversary, and in concealing his own. Few men would be so scrupulous as to refuse to keep a light in a room, when robbery was apprehended, with the purpose of producing the impression that the members of the household were on the alert. On these grounds it is gener”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 181b.105:13: And what is the reason that the Sages said that if he committed one of these acts unintentionally he is exempt? This is so that the one who caused the damage will inform the injured party about what happened. If a fine were imposed even in a case where the damage is caused unintentionally, there would be a concern that the guilty party might not report the damage so as to avoid the penalty. In such a situation the injured party will not know what happened, as the damage is not evident, and he will inadvertently use that which has become impure, mixed with”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 181a.105:13: And what is the reason that the Sages said that if he committed one of these acts unintentionally he is exempt? This is so that the one who caused the damage will inform the injured party about what happened. If a fine were imposed even in a case where the damage is caused unintentionally, there would be a concern that the guilty party might not report the damage so as to avoid the penalty. In such a situation the injured party will not know what happened, as the damage is not evident, and he will inadvertently use that which has become impure, mixed with”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 1: Augustine — Confessions, Letters — CHAP. III. -- 6. I am not acquainted with the writings speaking injuriously of you, which you tell me have come into Africa.. I have, however, received the reply to these which you have been pleased t (part 4): in the manner in which I ought: for I do not wonder that we are less thoroughly known to each other than we are to our most close and intimate friends. Upon the love of such friends I readily cast myself without reservation, especially when chafed and wearied by the scandals of this world; and in their love I rest without any disturbing ca”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Gittin 53a.13: And what is the reason that the Sages said that if he committed one of these acts unintentionally he is exempt? This is so that the one who caused the damage will inform the injured party about what happened. If a fine were imposed even in a case where the damage is caused unintentionally, there would be a concern that the guilty party might not report the damage so as to avoid the penalty. In such a situation the injured party will not know what happened, as the damage is not evident, and he will inadvertently use that which has become impure, mixed with teru”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Makkot 49b.14:6: The Sages taught in a baraita based on the verse written with regard to an unintentional murderer: “And if suddenly, without enmity, he thrust him or cast upon him any vessel without lying in wait” (Numbers 35:22). “If suddenly”; this serves to exclude one who unintentionally kills another that he encounters at a corner. “Without enmity”; this serves to exclude one who unintentionally kills his enemy, as even if the act appears unintentional, the presumption is that it was not. “He thrust him”; this indicates that even if he unintentionally shoved him with h”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Makkot 49a.14:6: The Sages taught in a baraita based on the verse written with regard to an unintentional murderer: “And if suddenly, without enmity, he thrust him or cast upon him any vessel without lying in wait” (Numbers 35:22). “If suddenly”; this serves to exclude one who unintentionally kills another that he encounters at a corner. “Without enmity”; this serves to exclude one who unintentionally kills his enemy, as even if the act appears unintentional, the presumption is that it was not. “He thrust him”; this indicates that even if he unintentionally shoved him with h”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 2: Augustine — City of God, Christian Doctrine — CHAP. 12.--THAT EVEN THE FIERCENESS OF WAR AND ALL THE DISQUIETUDE OF MEN MAKE TOWARDS THIS ONE END OF PEACE, WHICH EVERY NATURE DESIRES. (part 1): Whoever gives even moderate attention to human affairs and to our common nature, will recognize that if there is no man who does not wish to be joyful, neither is there any one who does not wish to have peace. For even they who make war desire nothing but victory,--desire, that is to say, to attain to peace with glory. For what else is victory than the conquest of those who resist us? and w”
Schaff ANF/NPNF (Patristic) “NPNF1 Vol 6: Augustine — Homilies on the Gospels — CHAP. XI.--29. "Be kindly disposed,"[4] says he, "toward thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver t (part 2): discussion respecting the punishment of sins, as to how in the Scriptures it is called eternal; although in all possible ways it is to be avoided rather than known. 31. But let us now see who the adversary himself is, with whom we are enjoined to agree quickly, whiles we are in the way with him. For he is either the devil, or a man, or ”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Shevuot 40b.19: The Gemara objects: On the contrary; there is a presumption that a person does not exhibit insolence by lying in the presence of his creditor to deny the entire debt. Therefore, the defendant’s denial of the entire claim suggests that he is telling the truth. The Gemara answers that a debtor’s categorical denial is not necessarily out of insolence; he may be temporarily avoiding paying him. He rationalizes doing so by saying to himself: I am avoiding him only until the time that I have enough money, and then I will repay him.”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Shevuot 99b.80:19: The Gemara objects: On the contrary; there is a presumption that a person does not exhibit insolence by lying in the presence of his creditor to deny the entire debt. Therefore, the defendant’s denial of the entire claim suggests that he is telling the truth. The Gemara answers that a debtor’s categorical denial is not necessarily out of insolence; he may be temporarily avoiding paying him. He rationalizes doing so by saying to himself: I am avoiding him only until the time that I have enough money, and then I will repay him.”
Babylonian Talmud (Jewish (Rabbinic)) “Babylonian Talmud, Makkot 49a.18:12: The Gemara answers: The apparent contradiction between a case where the rope snapped according to the first baraita and a case where the rope snapped according to the second is not difficult. This case in the second baraita is referring to a friend of the victim, and presumably if the rope snapped it is considered a case of circumstances beyond his control and he is exempt from exile, and that case in the first baraita is referring to an enemy of the victim. In that case, although the presumption is that the act was not intentional, due to his enmity toward”

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