When to Express Affection in a Christian Relationship
Scripture addresses affection primarily through the lens of love's character and purpose rather than prescribing specific timelines for romantic relationships. The biblical vocabulary distinguishes between types of love—agape (deliberate, sacrificial choice) and phileo (affectionate friendship)—with the former emphasizing "judgment and deliberate choice" over mere feeling [2]. This distinction shapes how Christian tradition has understood the proper ordering of affection in courtship and marriage.
The Nature of Christian Affection
Paul describes affection as both feeling and emotion, noting that it can be either "vile" or rightly ordered [1]. The apostle exhorts believers to "set their affections on things above" (Colossians 3:2), establishing a hierarchy where spiritual priorities govern earthly attachments [1]. This framework suggests that the expression of romantic affection should flow from a foundation of spiritual maturity and proper ordering of loves, rather than preceding it.
Within the Christian community, believers are called to "genuine affection"—literally "brotherly love"—characterized by "mutual love and commitment that are found within a healthy family" [7]. This familial model of affection provides a baseline: expressions of care should reflect the same honor, respect, and purity that mark healthy sibling relationships before they take on romantic dimensions.
Sacrificial Love as the Standard
The New Testament consistently presents Christ's self-giving as the pattern for Christian love. His offering of himself "as a sacrifice for us" becomes the model that motivates all Christian affection [9]. For husbands specifically, the command is explicit: "love their wives just as Christ loved the church—that is, sacrificially, for Christ gave up his life for her" [6]. This sacrificial standard applies before marriage as well, suggesting that expressions of affection should demonstrate a willingness "to give up one's own desires for the good of others" [5] rather than serving primarily as outlets for personal gratification.
The principle of mutual submission "out of reverence for Christ" [10] establishes that Christian relationships operate within a framework of deference and respect. This mutual submission precedes and shapes the specific roles within marriage [10], indicating that expressions of affection during courtship should already reflect this posture of honoring the other's welfare above one's own immediate desires.
Physical Expression in Biblical Context
Scripture records physical expressions of affection within appropriate relational boundaries. Kissing served as "an act of salutation" and "a mark of respect" in both patriarchal times and the early church, though its use was "customary among near relatives of both sexes" and "between individuals of the same sex" in limited contexts [4]. The early church practiced "the kiss of charity" as "an act symbolical of love and Christian brotherhood" [4], demonstrating that physical expressions carried communal and spiritual significance beyond romantic attachment.
The Song of Solomon acknowledges the appropriateness of physical affection between "near relatives" while maintaining boundaries [4], and Ecclesiastes notes the practical comfort of physical proximity in marriage [8]. These texts assume a progression: physical intimacy follows covenant commitment rather than establishing it.
The Timing Question
Christian tradition has generally held that the expression of affection should correspond to the level of commitment in the relationship. The biblical emphasis on love as action rather than mere emotion—"if any tender mercies and compassion" leading to concrete behaviors [3]—suggests that affectionate expression should follow demonstrated commitment rather than precede it. The distinction between natural and "spiritual or gracious affections" [1] implies that Christian relationships require the latter to govern the former.
The sacrificial love described in Ephesians 5 and Philippians 2 [6, 5] operates through deliberate choice and covenant faithfulness. This pattern suggests that expressions of affection gain their proper meaning within a context of increasing commitment, where each level of physical or emotional intimacy corresponds to a proportional level of covenant obligation. The biblical model moves from friendship to betrothal to marriage, with expressions of affection calibrated to each stage's level of binding commitment.
Sources
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Affection — Feeling or emotion. Mention is made of "vile affections" (Rom. 1:26) and "inordinate affection" (Col. 3:5). Christians are exhorted to set their affections on things above (Col. 3:2). There is a distinction between natural and spiritual or gracious affections (Ezek. 33:32).”
- Easton's Bible Dictionary “Easton's Bible Dictionary: Love — This word seems to require explanation only in the case of its use by our Lord in his interview with "Simon, the son of Jonas," after his resurrection (John 21:16, 17). When our Lord says, "Lovest thou me?" he uses the Greek word agapas; and when Simon answers, he uses the Greek word philo, i.e., "I love." This is the usage in the first and second questions put by our Lord; but in the third our Lord uses Simon's word. The distinction between these two Greek words is thus fitly described by Trench:, "Agapan has more of judgment and deliberate choice; philein ha”
- Philippians “If there is therefore any exhortation in Christ, if any consolation of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any tender mercies and compassion, -- Philippians 2:1”
- Smith's Bible Dictionary “Smith's Bible Dictionary: Kiss — Kissing the lips by way of affectionate salutation was customary among near relatives of both sexes, in both patriarchal and later times. (Genesis 29:11; Song of Solomon 8:1) Between individuals of the same sex, and in a limited degree between those of different sexes, the kiss on the cheek as a mark of respect or an act of salutation has at all times been customary in the East, and can hardly be said to be extinct even in Europe. In the Christian Church the kiss of charity was practiced not only as a friendly salutation, but as an act symbolical of love and Ch”
- 1 Corinthians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on 1 Corinthians 13:4: 13:4-7 This description of Christian love emphasizes the willingness to give up one’s own desires for the good of others (see also 8:1–10:33; Rom 5:6-8; 15:3; 2 Cor 8:9; Phil 2:4-8).”
- Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 5:25: 5:25-33 Christian husbands are to love their wives just as Christ loved the church—that is, sacrificially, for Christ gave up his life for her (5:2; cp. Col 3:19; 1 Pet 3:7).”
- Romans (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Romans 12:10: 12:10 genuine affection: Literally brotherly love. Christians are to love each other with the mutual love and commitment that are found within a healthy family.”
- Ecclesiastes (Baptist/Reformed) “John Gill on Ecclesiastes 4:11: Again, if two lie together, then they have heat,.... The Targum adds, in the winter; when it is a cold season, they warm one another by lying together. The Targum interprets it of a man and his wife; it is true of others; see Kg1 1:1; but how can one be warm alone? not soon, nor easily, in time of cold weather. This is true in a spiritual sense of persons in a Christian communion and religious society; when they are grown cold in their love, lukewarm in their affections, and backward and indifferent to spiritual exercises, yet by Christian conversation may be ”
- Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 5:2: 5:2 Christ’s love is shown especially in his offering himself as a sacrifice for us (cp. 5:25; John 15:13; Rom 5:8). Christian love is motivated by and modeled after Christ’s sacrificial love (see Phil 2:5-8). • Paul draws on Old Testament imagery, where the smell of a burning sacrifice was a pleasing aroma to God (see Lev 1:9; 2:2; cp. Rom 12:1).”
- Ephesians (Protestant academic) “Tyndale House on Ephesians 5:21: 5:21–6:9 Paul gives specific instructions on how believers are to relate to one another in a Christian home (see also Col 3:18–4:1; 1 Pet 2:18–3:7). Love and respect are to characterize all relationships in the body of Christ as an expression of believers’ commitment to the Lord himself. 5:21 And further, submit to one another: The verb form links it with the command to be filled (5:18). This general instruction (cp. Phil 2:3) applies to all three relationships that Paul discusses: wives and husbands (Eph 5:22-33), children and their parents (6:1-4), and slaves”